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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
Yabbers · 28/01/2019 19:09

Well the milk of human kindness over runs on MN doesn't it ?
My thoughts exactly. “Who gives a crap if he’s homeless, in winter, you have a baby in your body so can’t possible help” 🙄

Of course you should help if you can, and can give him house rules, set whichever would make you comfortable.

Rainbowshine · 28/01/2019 19:10

Also I don’t see why you think his situation that he’s created and is responsible for is somehow more important than your needs. Why are you thinking you’re duty bound to help him?

Yabbers · 28/01/2019 19:11

...and become your responsibility

He’s 22. Why on earth would the council make the OP “responsible” for him.

I really do despair of some of the advice on here.

strawberrisc · 28/01/2019 19:12

No good deed goes unpunished...

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 19:12

I wonder why the shed owners haven't offered him their couch? Do they know something you don't?

SnuggyBuggy · 28/01/2019 19:13

You need to prioritize your own baby. This guy sounds like bad news and cigarette smoke is one of the biggest risk factors for SIDS. I don't know how you plan to feed but when mine was newborn I spent a lot of time topless on the sofa and really wouldn't have wanted a stoner mooching around the house.

If you really insist on him moving in do you have a backup place like your parents that you could go to with your baby when it all goes to shit?

Petalflowers · 28/01/2019 19:13

I agree that you need to set house rules, and set a final,date. As someone said upthread, he can stay until Feb xyz, or labour, whatever comes first.

Definantly no drugs.

Once he is at yours, sit down and get him to look for somewhere to live.

Sparerooms.co.uk - places with rooms to rent.

If he needs help with getting benefits tc, then be proactive in helping him get the info, fill in forms etc. Imdon’mt Think you can rely on him doing all this.

viques · 28/01/2019 19:14

So until recently he was working and living at his mums house, but has still managed to rack up a grands worth of debt!! I wonder if it is just weed he enjoys.

I think you are making a huge mistake OP in letting him over the doorstep. The only thing you can do is to put a two week limit on your hospitality, gives him time to find a room (or make it up with his mum). Then he is out. Use the baby as your reason, no one could argue with that.

gamerchick · 28/01/2019 19:15

Man, you're going to learn a hard lesson here OP. You will end up doing what everyone else has done. Kicking him out but not after a world of stress first.

Seriously give it a night or 3 but he'll have to sort something else out.

cricketmum84 · 28/01/2019 19:15

Hmm so OP has already said from the start that she has already made the decision to offer this man somewhere to stay for a short time. She's given her reasons and hasn't asked if she should or shouldn't do this so I really don't know why everyone is telling her not to do it and stressing her out!!

No YANBU to set ground rules. But set them early and firmly and yes set a date that he needs to be out with a caveat that that could be earlier if baby makes an early appearance.

Juells · 28/01/2019 19:17

HRTFT but I listened to such tales of woe from a friend of my DDs, how his mother was loony, kicked him out for no reason, she always hated him, blah blah blah. DD allowed him to stay and paid him to help out. He never helped out, never bought any food for himself, spent every penny on drugs, she thought she'd never get rid of him. When she finally did get rid of him, he planked himself on another friend who was living in a mobile home with her child, he smoked hash constantly in the home despite being asked not to. A nightmare.

If his own mother can't put up with the behaviour of the DH's friend, the OP has a difficult time ahead if she allows him into her house.

NoParticularPattern · 28/01/2019 19:17

100% absolutely not. I give not a single shit if I sound like a heartless cow. He has been chucked out by his own mother repeatedly. He has failed to turn up for work repeatedly. He has no savings, he smokes weed (although quite how he affords this over and above housing himself I will never understand). He is not the sort of person you need to be living in your house when you are going to have a baby in the very near future.

If he was a sensible bloke who’d been made redundant and his wife had kicked him out, that would be different. His situation is entirely (and repeatedly) of his own making. Feel bad for the guy all you like, you don’t have to give him houseroom when even his own bloody mother won’t. Avoid.

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 28/01/2019 19:17

Shock if you think your stress levels are high now wait until he has his feet under the table.

What should be memories with your first born will most likely be memories of picking his skid marked pants off the bathroom floor.

Why are you even considering this? For his mother to have thrown him out you KNOW it’s not just turning up late. He is probably a nightmare to live with and it’s just the last straw.

Consider this - that he has no cash tells you something if he couldn’t save when living with his mum, how will he save a deposit so he can shove off when living with you?

You are utterly unreasonable to be considering this at 8months pregnant with your first child.

Please don’t do it.

Stefoscope · 28/01/2019 19:18

I wouldn't let him stay. If he's that far into his overdraft yet is still smoking weed and not making an effort to show up to work he's not exactly helping himself is he? I would offer to help him with budgeting/pass on details of organisations which may be able to help him, but not let him into your home.

Juells · 28/01/2019 19:19

I really don't know why everyone is telling her not to do it and stressing her out!!

Maybe because other people have seen similar scenarios playing out already, and want to save the OP a lot of grief.

Boodledug21 · 28/01/2019 19:19

He’s 22. Supposedly an adult. He’s lucky enough to have a job, albeit one he doesn’t seem to be committed towards. He’s overdrawn, yet takes drugs, which I can only imagine don’t materialise out of thin air. His closest relations are unable to make him see sense, and have washed their hands of him, hopefully only temporarily. Someone else’s home, relationship is merely going to give him a fairly easy ride. He needs professional help and guidance, not more mollycoddling. And not within a home that is going to have a life changing event. This shouldn’t impact on the happiness and commitment to your own lives, there are other options out there.

viques · 28/01/2019 19:20

Yabbers seems the milk of human kindness wasn't exactly flowing from his mother's breast since she is the one who chucked him out!

I am willing to bet there is a long history of unacceptable behaviour from this guy, he sounds as though he can turn on the charm and wheedle his way out of situations, with his mum, his workplace and now OPs husband. I think we have all met people like him, ok it's cold outside, but he would probably be doing the same stuff if it was high summer.

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 19:22

You're about to have a baby! Any day! You want some immature kid living in your house when you bring your newborn home? Are you a mug?

Bringbackthestripes · 28/01/2019 19:22

DH also said he thinks he's well into his 1000 overdraft

And yet still can’t be bothered to turn up for work.

Does he have any MH/LD problems? Just wondering as that may get him more help. The council don’t have to give him emergency housing unless he falls into priority need group, being kicked out and having no where doesn’t qualify but being classed as vulnerable would.

What happens if the baby arrives this weekend?

RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 19:25

You're going to end up "lending" him a deposit for a houseshare you have found for him after about three months of stress and resentment, causing problems between your and your DH, and you will never see that money again.

These perennial sponging losers are so predictable.

SirGawain · 28/01/2019 19:25

he's in a shit situation. Entirely of his own making. He’s not just a decent lad whose down on his luck, he’s a layabout sponging of anybody he can and with no intention of changing his ways.
Before anyone says that I have no compassion, I have helped many people in difficulties both financially and practically where I felt they deserved a helping hand.

ChristmasFlary · 28/01/2019 19:27

@Greywalls12 - what's happening??

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 19:27

What is the point of setting rules.

If he could follow house rules he would not have been kicked out.

If he could follow work rules he would not have lost his job.

RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 19:28

I speak from experience, by the way. And if I ever see anyone like this again, I will run a mile.

Laine21 · 28/01/2019 19:31

Don't give a free room, that makes it even easier and cheaper to stay with you.
Contact the ymca ASAP to get help
www.ymca.org.uk/about/what-we-do/accommodation