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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
FlawedAmazon · 28/01/2019 19:31

Like PPs have said, you have zero obligations to this guy and if it's discovered that he's smoking weed on your property, this could raise safeguarding concerns around the baby.

Mention the above to your husband and see how quickly he changes his mind. There are good reasons that he's homeless. If his own mother's had enough of him, that should tell you something.

The last thing you need now is a weed smoking, feckless, cocklodger.

eddielizzard · 28/01/2019 19:33

Well he was in a shit situation, that's true. So if it were you or me we'd make damn sure we turned up to work when we're supposed to, wouldn't we?

He has no intention of getting his shit together, which is why his own mum has had to kick him out!

If I were you I wouldn't do it. Not when you're 8 months. You don't need this stress.

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 28/01/2019 19:34

Hi OP don’t panic.
When they get to you ask them both to sit down and discuss ‘rules’
Write them down

  1. Absolutely no weed in the house or on the premises I.e no smoking in the garden and no holding any for use elsewhere.
  1. You and DH have priority in the bathroom and kitchen etc.
  1. Agree on some sort of renumeration, if it isn’t money then cleaning, diy or food and cooking.

I have been where you are 6/7month pregnant and my DH’s friend was made homeless by his ex, he was sleeping in his van. He slept on the floor in babies room for a month but helped out with decorating etc.

Be crystal clear that he needs to be out before your due date.

If that means DH actively helps him hunt for accommodation make sure it happens.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/01/2019 19:36

A 22 y/o weed smoking, less than reliable character who doesn't turn into work unless he feels like it, is skint and significantly overdrawn and has just been thrown out by his Mum...

Do you think that any of the above behaviours are good indicators of a person that will take your house rules seriously, plan and save hard to find somewhere else to live, and generally try not to be a burden?

If you let him in there will be excuse after excuse about why he's not found anywhere. Even if he doesn't smoke weed in the house his clothes will stink of it - and the smell will end up in your furniture. He couldn't be arsed to turn into work and make an effort when his Mum was nagging him (and if she's thrown him out you can bet that she will have nagged). What makes you think he'll morph into a responsible temporary lodger just because he's under your roof?

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 19:36

Oh, FFS, the whole 'kindness' thing. Notice all those who say it never say, 'Send him to me! I'll pay his train ticket down and he can bide here till he gets back on his feet'?

Wouldn't have him in my house. Would text my 'D'H right now and tell him no way.

You will have to throw him out. And LOL at 'tell him to go to the council and get housed'. He's able-bodied, single, no dependents, he just CBA'd to work.

He won't comply with any house rules, that's why his own ma had to throw him out.

You've just landed a new baby, an adult one who wants to smoke weed and lay about.

mumsastudent · 28/01/2019 19:37

forgive me hon but he might be using other things - please don't let him stay - I think you should refer him to a homeless charity

Juells · 28/01/2019 19:37

He has no intention of getting his shit together, which is why his own mum has had to kick him out!

She may be hoping that being out in the cold will finally motivate him to get his life back on track, but instead he'll be enabled to continue his fecklessness at the OP's expense.

Jux · 28/01/2019 19:37

If he's trustworthy and helpful and responsible, he wouldn't have been kicked out by his own mum. He would have a secure job which he doesn't skive from. He would have some savings he could use towards rent etc. In fact, if he were the sort of person you'd be happy to have living in yourhome whilst you are 8m pg, he would have found himself a flatshare and at worst be asking for a small loan to help cover deposit.

NotANotMan · 28/01/2019 19:38

if it's discovered that he's smoking weed on your property, this could raise safeguarding concerns around the baby

I wish people wouldn't post stuff like that. It really won't.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 19:39

Haahaahaa @ sitdowns and chats and all that guff. He'll say yes, yes, then there will be excuse after excuse. The second your back is turned there'll be whatever it is he wants to do. Soon there will be other virtue signallers along to tell you he's depressed, autistic.

I have a BIL like this. Still like this. He's in his 40s now. Never changed at all as long as he's found a comfy couch.

Moominfan · 28/01/2019 19:39

He sounds abit of a lost cause. I can't help but think this person relies on people's kindness and sympathy without making any changes. Lurching from one disaster to another. You sound lovely well intentioned people. I'd make it abundantly clear that there is a time limit.

Jux · 28/01/2019 19:40

And not only did his mum kick him out, but his other friends has put him in the shed rather than ehim sofa-surfing.

Don't do this to yourself.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 28/01/2019 19:43

It's got to be bad if his own mother won't let him stay.

Boundaries are your friend, OP. (And by boundaries I mean don't let him stay.)

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 19:43

He could also steal from you or scope out your house OP. If it is indeed drugs and debt they will stop at nothing. My df lost her jewellery and her deceased dad's wedding ring to a friend of her dd who needed a place to stay. They took her car keys too and wrote her car off.

Personally I'd rather pay for one night at a premier inn than have them stay with me tonight.

EssentialHummus · 28/01/2019 19:44

100% absolutely not. I give not a single shit if I sound like a heartless cow. He has been chucked out by his own mother repeatedly. He has failed to turn up for work repeatedly. He has no savings, he smokes weed (although quite how he affords this over and above housing himself I will never understand). He is not the sort of person you need to be living in your house when you are going to have a baby in the very near future.

With bells on. DH can let friend know that his wife sadly doesn't agree with him staying. Soz. This will swiftly become someone else's problem.

Leeds2 · 28/01/2019 19:44

In your position, I wouldn't have agreed to this. And I would've expected DP to support me in this. He is going to be a liability that you will find very difficult to get rid of, once he is installed.
That said, I would tell him as soon as he arrives, and with DP present, that he can stay for 2 weeks maximum and that, if you go into labour during that two week period, he is to be gone before you get back from the hospital. Tell him clearly, now, the date when the two weeks is up and make sure he knows that if that date arrives, and he hasn't found anywhere else to live, he is still leaving.

Jux · 28/01/2019 19:45

Finally, the closer you get to delivering dd, the more you will resent washing the pants of some lazy arse git who has taken over the sitting room and evening tv watching and thinks life with your dh will be much more fun if you just keep out of the way when you're not doing the chores.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 19:46

It's ok to tell your dh you've thought about it and changed your mind. Tell him now before it gets late.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 19:49

Oh, yeah, BIL stole from us and everyone else. Stole SIL's daughter's child benefit money her mother had taken out in cash to pay for some petrol a friend was using to pick up the girl from after school care and bring her home whilst SIL and her partner were at work. Invited his girlfriend in when SIL and her partner were at work and she stole SIL's fanny pads and perfume and makeup. Kindness and all.

Miane · 28/01/2019 19:51

Font we aren’t talking about some vulnerable teen whose fallen out with their Dad, or a friend running from domestic abuse or a friend who has been made redundant and lost their home.

This is an able bodied, employed 22yo who can’t be bothered to turn up at work, who is in debt and spends his money on drugs, whose behaviour has caused his mother to throw him out.

And the OP’s DH isn’t offering him a short term loan or to help him
find accommodation he’s offered for him to live with them rent free for an indeterminate period of time just before their baby is born.

There’s kind and then there’s doormat.

We all know that in a month the OP will have newborn, and he’ll have lost his job, be trashing the house, eating their food, smoking in the living room and complaining that the baby keeps him awake at night.

Juells · 28/01/2019 19:51

if you just keep out of the way

exactly. You'll be the killjoy

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 28/01/2019 19:53

You’re off your head if you let this guy into your house for as much as a glass of water, you will NEVER get rid of him and he’ll bleed you dry. House rules are totally pointless and irrelevant, he’s not your responsibility, don’t let him in or your next thread will be how your marriage has irretrievably broken down because of the stress he’s caused between you and dh.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 28/01/2019 19:57

He has got himself sacked because he didn't turn up for work.

What makes your DH think he's going to turn his life around in a fortnight?\Don't let him across your door!

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/01/2019 19:58

Oh, FFS, the whole 'kindness' thing. Notice all those who say it never say, 'Send him to me! I'll pay his train ticket down and he can bide here till he gets back on his feet'?

^^This. With bells on.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 19:59

Don't know the guy but I can tell you now that this will bite you on the arse (had a relative in a similar situation with a similarly work-ethic challenged 'visitor' whose couple of days stay ended up being weeks til they were told to leave and they went through food and utilities like they were going out of fashion) .

He's not a victim of circumstances beyond his control - it's all down to his lazy attitude and everyone swooping in to save him from himself aren't helping him face the realities of his shit choices and laziness.

And lol at the poster who reckons he'll stick to house rules - he doesnt even stick to the rules of his employer - he's not going to listen to his mate's wife.

Dont do it OP.