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Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
rachelfrost · 28/01/2019 20:00

Welcome him. Explain you won’t let him stay for more than a week. During that week do some research and let him know you’re doing it. Find a homeless shelter or church organisation that will offer temporary accommodation. Call homeless charities to ask about how he can get back on his feet (with help from the council or the Salvation Army etc). During the week mention to him what’s going to happen, often. Say things like: ‘I’ve spoken to this shelter about next Monday night. I’d be happy to give you a lift after work.’ Make sure your partner is on side. Good luck.

gamerchick · 28/01/2019 20:04

Oh, FFS, the whole 'kindness' thing. Notice all those who say it never say, 'Send him to me! I'll pay his train ticket down and he can bide here till he gets back on his feet'?

Heh I'm still waiting for that to happen. Grin Very easy to tell others to do the kind thing but won't put themselves out themselves.

Dumbie · 28/01/2019 20:08

Some people are just rubbish at life.

You and your husband are very kind to offer him a little help. Does your husband know him and trust him? If so Perhaps you could let him stay for a few weeks and help him investigate all options that others have raised.

Absolutely, have some ground rules and set a time limit on it.

I struggle with some of these comments. If it was someone I knew and trusted and thought I could give them a little guidance then I would.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:09

I also wonder just how many of these sit downs and chats with a cuppa actually come to fruition. BIL just laughed at such a suggestion, 'Chill the fuck out! As and when! Gimme some time here'. God. SIL's partner is no angel by any stretch, not even a stranger to jail when he was younger, but even he threw out BIL (and his own brother, too, on another occasion, for similar). How do you compel some weed-smoking layabout to sit down and chat? That's actually funny.

Lillygolightly · 28/01/2019 20:10

OP - he is in this situation because of his own behaviour. If he has been kicked out of several homes chances are very high you’ll be wanting to kick him out of yours too. You’ve got a baby on the way....the last thing your going to want is an extra house guest, it’s madness.

He is not suddenly going to become a considerate guest and also stop smoking weed, I imagine he will at least be expecting to be allowed to smoke in your Garden.

Regardless of whatever rules you lay down, I give it a couple of weeks before it’s out the window.

brimfullofasha · 28/01/2019 20:11

I think if it wasn't for being heavily pregnant I'd say set some rules and let him stay for a bit. There's no way I'd want anyone staying when i had a newborn- not even a close friend.

Has he been to the council and reported as homeless? Depending where you live he should get temporary accommodation or a B&B at least.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:12

Oh, yes, the guidance and finding him help and sorting out jobs for him and blah blah blah. You can totally trust a weed smoker/drug user who has no form of income in your home, definitely!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 20:13

aethelgifu - theyve never had to do it that's why. Bet they won't turn up in the OPs thread next month when she's fed up of him and asking for tactics on how to get him out of her house...

DointItForTheKids · 28/01/2019 20:13

You can set all the ground rules you want.

I guarantee you he won't follow a single one of them.

crazycatlady5 · 28/01/2019 20:16

Unless he essentially agrees to be an unpaid nanny/mother’s help, imma say nah.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 20:17

I wouldn't want anyone stinking of weed anywhere near my newborn.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/01/2019 20:19

Your DH needs to be absolutely crystal clear, friend can have till the weekend to sort himself out but there is no way he can stay longer because of the baby. Non-negotiable, don’t ask.

He is being offered a bed to sleep in and a bathroom to make himself presentable for work. He leaves the house when you do and returns when there is someone there.

Don’t give him any territory. He doesn’t need a shelf in the fridge or somewhere to park his toothbrush. He doesn’t get a key.

No weed smoking in or outside your home, zero tolerance on that.

It may sound harsh, but you’re not in the market for a non paying lodger, or a house guest. His mother will have had good reason for kicking him out.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:20

Heh I'm still waiting for that to happen. grin Very easy to tell others to do the kind thing but won't put themselves out themselves.

He'd flog the ticket and score gear. People like this will nick your baby's milk and trade it for gear. I know, BIL did! When we finally told BIL he had to leave and gave him a time limit we came home to find our furniture, including our baby's cot, our telly, our laptop, some clothes, almost everything bar the stuff that was plumbed in or locked up and that's probably because he didn't have time, gone. He'd kicked off because DH wouldn't loan him our P-reg Vauxhall Astra that we used to get to work!

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/01/2019 20:21

By outside your home I meant just outside, as in, garden. Clearly you can’t ban him from smoking anywhere else!!

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:22

Unless he essentially agrees to be an unpaid nanny/mother’s help, imma say nah.

You'd really want an addict whose own ma had to chuck him out in charge of your wean? He'd trade the wean's nappies and milk for gear, FFS.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 20:22

During that week do some research and let him know you’re doing it. Find a homeless shelter or church organisation that will offer temporary accommodation. Call homeless charities to ask about how he can get back on his feet (with help from the council or the Salvation Army etc). During the week mention to him what’s going to happen, often. Say things like: ‘I’ve spoken to this shelter about next Monday night. I’d be happy to give you a lift after work.’

Yeah, come on OP, roll your sleeves up and get grafting while he sits farting on your sofa Grin

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:24

Clearly you can’t ban him from smoking anywhere else!!

You can by banning him from being in your house at all Hmm. LOL @ 'only in the garden'. What if you don't have a garden? You're 7 floors up in a tower block? Man, do some folk live in a bubble.

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 28/01/2019 20:25

Why the hell should op “research” anything? He’s perfectly capable of doing that himself but, guess what?, he won’t.

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:27

Exactly, thatwouldbe and DoinIt. Been there, got the tshirt.

AnneElliott · 28/01/2019 20:31

I agree with everyone else op! Don't do it! H had a friend like this that scrounged off pils for years (no drug habit and he had a job).

He paid no rent, mil did his washing etc and paid for him to have a takeaway when she bought one for her and her family. He was there 8 years! He did nothing at all and it was a nightmare to get him out. He even thought he'd stay there once H moved out with me (so pils would have had both kids move out but would have been left with him).

I very seriously told H that friend was not to ever enter our flat, as I was worried he'd take root there!

But he always found a willing gf to take him in - and this guy will too.

Zwischenwasser · 28/01/2019 20:32

If it was someone I knew and trusted and thought I could give them a little guidance then I would

But she doesn’t trust him.

And if you’ve ever tried giving a little guidance to someone who is perfectly happy to sit smoking weed on the sofa all day..(BIL, looking firmly at YOU) you’ll realise what a hilarious waste of time that is.

It would be lovely if the kindness of a couples of mate could make this chap turn this life around in a couple of weeks. However there is collectively decades of experience right here on this thread to the contrary.

Furble · 28/01/2019 20:33

I was recently put in a similar situation by a friend of my husbands. I would strongly advise against taking him in. You do have a say in this and it’s not your problem to solve. He doesn’t need rescuing, he needs to learn to sort his own problems out.

The person my DH took in did not stick to my ground rules and did not leave when asked. He also smoked in the house permanently damaging a carpet with a burn hole. It was a highly tense and unpleasant situation. You are pregnant don’t do it to yourself.

PepsiLola · 28/01/2019 20:34

I don't know why you'd even agree to this! You're meant to be enjoying your new baby (in a few weeks)... why would you allow that person to stay in your house when you're meant to be having your first few precious weeks!

Imagine when you haven't slept all night and you are having to tidy up after you, your DH, a baby and a a grown ass scrounger who'll lose his job and spend what little cash he has on weed.

Tigger001 · 28/01/2019 20:34

Sounds like you are doing a nice thing. I certainly wouldn't object to my DH helping a mate out who was only 22 and homeless.
I think ground rules are important, no smoking weed, contributes to the house hold with his dole (now he's unemployed ), he must look for a job, do chores around the house until he gets work. It's trial at the first sign of trouble he's out.

PepsiLola · 28/01/2019 20:34

Also, even if he doesn't do weed in your house, weed stinks and he will stink of it! In the same room as a newborn