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Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
fiydwi · 28/01/2019 20:35

I’d leave him in the shed.
He’s in this situation because he needs to grow up and take some responsibility for himself. He’s not going to do that if you move him in.
The shed might be the kick he needs to grow the fuck up!

coconutpie · 28/01/2019 20:40

Tell DH he is not allowed stay. You would be insane to allow him to stay - you're 8 months pregnant and even his own mother kicked him out. He's clearly not the kind of house guest an 8 month pregnant woman needs. You will not get rid of him if he moves in. Put on your big girl pants and tell your DH that he's not staying with you for one night.

Returnofthesmileybar · 28/01/2019 20:40

You make your bed shed you lay in it!

This guy has absolutely nobody else to blame but himself and even though you are 8 months pregnant and money is tight you want to bring a weed smoking loser into your house for free?? There's being nice and then there's being stupid

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:40

And if you’ve ever tried giving a little guidance to someone who is perfectly happy to sit smoking weed on the sofa all day..(BIL, looking firmly at YOU) you’ll realise what a hilarious waste of time that is.

This!

The person my DH took in did not stick to my ground rules and did not leave when asked

They never do. That's why his ma finally had to resort to chucking him out. Bet he robbed her blind and got violent and went aggro with her when she 'nagged' him. BIL sold my MIL and a younger brother out, too, for gear and gambling. Sold a teenage's boy's PS4 and all his games he'd worked in a bloody chippy to buy for heaven knows what, enough to buy gear, I guess.

Guidance, chances, etc, my arse. MIL finally had to kick him out when he set fire to her kitchen whilst high and the HA came down on her arse after the fire department and police found out all the remains of his using in the kitchen and as the cause of fire.

Original poster
Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 20:45

Wow so I've finished having a massive freak out about this.

He's got two weeks to get himself sorted, he's leaving once those two weeks are up regardless of whether he has anywhere to live anymore.
The first sign of trouble and he's out.
I really hope he does turn his life around, I'm prepared to help him find somewhere to live, there are plently of rooms to rent around our area currently, he just needs some money to do so.
And there is no way we will be lending him money to do so, as i doubt we'd get it back.

I get what everyone's saying, i really do, but it's DH's best friend and if that was my best friend, i wouldn't want to see her on the streets either!

So yeah, the two week countdown starts now!
I'm also prepared to kick him out before the two weeks are up if he's just wasting his money, he can do overtime every night and all weekend with his boss, so i really hope he makes use of it!

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:47

Just go fucking spare here, OP. It's the only way. This guy will never leave or comply with any house rules and may well rob you, too. I've seen it happen time and again. A couple of weeks to save money, my arse, he isn't even turning up for work, FFS.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 28/01/2019 20:47

During that week do some research and let him know you’re doing it. Find a homeless shelter or church organisation that will offer temporary accommodation. Call homeless charities to ask about how he can get back on his feet (with help from the council or the Salvation Army etc). During the week mention to him what’s going to happen, often. Say things like: ‘I’ve spoken to this shelter about next Monday night. I’d be happy to give you a lift after work.’

You forgot to remind OP to write doormat on her forehead and lay down by the front step. FFS why the fuck would it be OP's responsibility to do any of the above?

FrankieHeckisinTheMiddle · 28/01/2019 20:48

You’re insane and you will regret this.

kateandme · 28/01/2019 20:50

glad you came bck op.you must have been terrified since the responses on here.
I think your really kind with what your doing.shows grit to do this so youll be able to help him to your best ability im sure.
I would love to have such a pair of mates as you guys and if he doesn't appreciate this offer and chance then more fool him.
take care.

PolkaDoting · 28/01/2019 20:52

I’m sure it’ll be fine so long as you trust him to move out.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 20:52

Jesus OP, if would be pissed if my dh ignored my wishes like that. I take it you're not cooking for him, providing food, clearing up after him or washing his clothes?

BrilliantDarling · 28/01/2019 20:52

I hope it all goes well for you OP Flowers

aethelgifu · 28/01/2019 20:54

Grey just do not do FA for him, do you hear me? NOTHING. Don't wash his shorts or pick up his shit and do graft for him or try to sort out his problems as much as you want to. All it's doing is enabling him. You're doing enough as it is. He will not have the money to get a room in a fortnight if he is not even turning up for work, FFS, how are you expecting him to do over time and extra hours?

If he's on your couch, do not tiptoe round him or alter your schedule at all. BIL was on ours and would bitch when I came through with the wee one or DH came in or got up for work, 'Can't a man fucking sleep?!' Yeah, in your own fucking hoose this ain't a hotel!' Called me a bitch and a fucking nag and that was it for us and for SIL and her partner.

Do not treat him as a guest. He's not.

Andromeida59 · 28/01/2019 20:55

Do not let him move in! Take it from me that you will regret it and I wasn't even pregnant when he was living with us. It will cause you endless stress and cause problems between you and your DP. Give whatever reason you can, just don't let him move in.

Juells · 28/01/2019 20:56

Tigger001 The fact that she's about to have a baby doesn't make you think it's a bit of an imposition?

hickerydickerydockmouse · 28/01/2019 20:57

No, no, no. Just no. Don't bring him in your house. He has brought it on himself. This is not the first time and it wont be last. What makes you think that if his mother can't tolerate him then you can? His choices made him homeless. He has been given chances in the past. Learn from other people's experience with him. You can feel sorry for him, sure but don't bring him in.

RebootYourEngine · 28/01/2019 20:57

You will regret this. I speak from experience.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2019 20:57

All I can say is that you can't back down even ONCE on any of your rules. He has 2 weeks. PERIOD. Not one more day. If he causes problems with his behaviour, he's out. That very minute. If you back down or give in to emotional terrorism, you are fucked.

Petalflowers · 28/01/2019 20:58

Hope all goes well. Keep us posted how things are going.

Petalflowers · 28/01/2019 20:59

And definitely don’t lend him money.

Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 21:01

He needs to present himself as homeless to the local county council housing department first thing tomorrow. They will find a hostel for him.

You could give birth anytime. He must leave before the baby arrives.

Your DH isn’t resolving the issue or helping. Just prolonging the issue. Your friend needs to present himself as homeless to the council. Write a letter on his behalf saying he is sleeping on your floor till next Monday and after that will be sleeping rough again due to baby arriving. You have to force the councils hand.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 28/01/2019 21:01

Good for you OP, it’s a kind thing you and your DH are doing. Be strong and make sure your DH doesn’t waver, and hopefully it will work out OK.

Linlou82 · 28/01/2019 21:02

I think you should take him in.

Give him the two weeks but be clear you are NOT his mother- you will not be washing his clothes or cooking meals.

Have a rota for who will cook and see how goes. Maybe he has never had any structure and needs it!

See how the two weeks go, encourage and help him with job hunting or further education.

If he is a nightmare kick him out (you tried) BUT maybe he needs that chance, the incentive to kick the weed, if decent wouldn’t even want to around a pregnant lady.

Don’t freak out- embarrass this wonderful thing you are doing- that has a clear deadline unless massive improvements shown!

Good luck with baby xx

Linlou82 · 28/01/2019 21:03

*embrass not embarrass 🙈

KatharinaRosalie · 28/01/2019 21:04

If you feel bad saying no when he's not living with you, just imagine how bad you feel when he 'discovers' he has nowhere to go. Will you really pack his bags and physically chuck him out? Most babies are not born on their due date, you could have it any moment now - you really need a 22 year old weed smoking jobshy guy on your sofa?