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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
Rainbowshine · 28/01/2019 18:55

Your DH is getting him now? Time to go into labour (which turns out to be a false alarm).

Boodledug21 · 28/01/2019 18:55

He needs a good hard shock, not mothering by someone else, in this case your DH. He can’t hold down a job, he’s on drugs, his own mother obviously can’t cope with him. Only by having to be accountable and suffer for his lack of responsibility and stupidity will the message get through. Ask yourself a few questions, do you want such a person in your house, could you trust him with your home, your possessions, your health and that of your unborn child. Finally, how strong is your DH if it comes to the he goes, or I go scenario. Feeling sorry for him will not help him.

Original poster
Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:56

Oh wow this is completely freaking me out now.
My stress levels have risen 100% since starting this thread

OP posts:
RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 18:56

I know the type. You will never get rid of him. And he will smoke weed in your house.

Fontofnoknowledge · 28/01/2019 18:56

Well the milk of human kindness over runs on MN doesn't it ? Like you OP , I would help if I could. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing . Good for you. ! So many people have not an ounce of charity in their blood.
8 months pregnant makes little difference. The difference will be if baby comes. When he arrives you do need to lay down the rules.

  1. No weed in or around the house.
  2. He contributes towards food. (You say he is still employed so can afford £20/30 towards food shop.
  3. Shares the chores. Cooks you both a meal at least once a week
  4. He goes to housing advice at local council and registers as homeless.
  5. Agree a leaving date on the day he moves in. Regardless of having anywhere to go. He can go to a homeless hostel. If you feel awkward about this then just cite babies arrival.

You are a kind person and karma will pay you back.
Good luck with baby.

ShalomJackie · 28/01/2019 18:56

You do realise you are stuck with him now!

HollowTalk · 28/01/2019 18:56

The thing is that he will agree to anything you say, but he won't stick to that agreement. And he'll do whatever he can to make your husband gang up with him against you, too.

And do you really want the smell of weed over your baby's new things?

QuarterMileAtATime · 28/01/2019 18:57

Not at 8 months pregnant, OP. (I am too btw!) No way.

Maelstrop · 28/01/2019 18:58

He's a grand into his overdraft so has no chance of getting together a deposit for a house share. There's no way I'd let him in my house with his weed habit. How is he affording that? If he does come, charge him rent, don't let him live for free, that just teaches him to be a leech and to rely on others.

Bubz200 · 28/01/2019 18:59

I'd think long and hard before agreeing to let him move in, although I can understand why you want to. I felt the same way about my sister in law.
My dh and I had his sister move in with us. It was meant to be for a short period of time well she found a place, and we had set some general house rules like clean up after yourself etc.. 2 years later and she still hadn't left. She didn't work and we would come home from work to the house being a complete mess. When we told her we were moving house and she would have to find a new home, we became the worst people to ever walk the earth. Never again!

cheesydoesit · 28/01/2019 18:59

Was just about to agree about the weed smoking. Even if he was to smoke in the garden, which he won't if you and DH are out, he will still stink of the stuff. I know a few old friends like this that are young adults that push their parents to the brink and get thrown out and I wouldn't put them up now I have kids. Don't get stressed, it is your house too, no sane person would think ill of you not wanting to take this on when you are so close to giving birth.

Frenchfancy · 28/01/2019 18:59

I think that the world needs more compassion. If you can help someone out for a couple of weeks that could make a massive difference to them then I think it is a great thing to do.

Being pregnant gives you the perfect excuse to lay down the law and have a fixed end date. I would put some sort of chores (say washing up) or some sort of job you want doing (clearing out the shed/painting the hallway, ...) As being his payment for staying.

RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 19:00

@Fontofnoknowledge

Do you he sounds like the kind of reasonable person who would actually adhere to such reasonable rules? Sorry, I don't.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 28/01/2019 19:00

I agree with PPs, it's not a good idea to let him stay.

But, if your DH has already extended the offer, you do have a firm deadline in place with the baby considered full-term at 38 weeks. They could arrive any time after that (or perhaps earlier).

Tell him firmly tonight that a two-week stay is absolutely set in stone and give him an actual moving date!

Good luck and congratulations!

Rainbowshine · 28/01/2019 19:01

Then end the stress by saying that you can’t accommodate him. Too much to do and so on before baby arrives.

Holidayshopping · 28/01/2019 19:02

I think you are mad having him to stay-you will never get him out!

VanillaSauce · 28/01/2019 19:03

He's lost his home and most likely his job, has no savings and in debt. Do you really think he'll be gone before baby arrives? Yes it's cold but someone else can take him in. You have a whole other person to be your focus and responsibility you don't need the practice between now and when baby arrives.

CantWaitToRetire · 28/01/2019 19:03

If there's no way of backing out then have some defined rules, write them down and get him to sign them. I'd include a clause that he's not allowed to be in the house when you're there alone ie he has to be at work every day when your DH leaves. I'm shocked your DH has put you in this position OP, especially as you're heavily pregnant.

Do you trust him to be in your home alone when you and DH are out?

PilarTernera · 28/01/2019 19:03

I would say the agreed leaving date needs to be either such and such a day in February OR the day you go into labour, whichever comes first.

cheesydoesit · 28/01/2019 19:05

It's not about being unkind font, it's having the life experience to know when you should put yourself and your family first. If he had been screwed over by work or UC and found himself on hard times then yes, I would offer to help, but like I said, I used to be friends with people that would behave like this, my brother is now in his thirties was the same and still is to an extent and he is. I think OP being pregnant is relevant as she is about to go through a new experience that can be very trying and she will feel vulnerable in the first few months after giving birth while everything settles down.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/01/2019 19:06

You are making a MASSIVE mistake in letting this loser move in with you. I can't believe you and your husband are allowing this. Tell your husband TONIGHT that you are totally uncomfortable with this and he needs to go tomorrow, end of. If he stays it will be a disaster, I guarantee it.

Fairenuff · 28/01/2019 19:06

His own mother who, presumably, loves him has had to throw him out. Don't do this OP. You will regret it.

Lindy2 · 28/01/2019 19:06

I would and have helped a friend who needed a place to stay.
However, we did charge them a rent to have a room in our house and set some house rules ie where they keep their own food, no other guests in the house etc. The rent was a bit below what they would have had to pay on the open market but fully covered the extra expenses from them being there plus a bit more which was helpful as we had only recently bought the house and needed some work done on it.
Originally they were stayibg for a month but actually they stayed for 6. Because of the rent and house rules it was fine.
This person is an adult and meeds to behave like one paying rent and being self sufficient with his food, clothes washing etc. You are not a hotel. He is not a guest he is a lodger.
Set it up right from the start and it might provide an extra pair of hands and some extra income whilst you are on maternity leave.

CantWaitToRetire · 28/01/2019 19:06

If I was you OP I'd be calling/texting DH and saying you've changed your mind and no way is he to fetch him back to yours.

Inertia · 28/01/2019 19:07

I’m not sure that it will actually help him if you let him move in, in terms of his long term housing prospects. Once he moves in with you, he might well be considered housed by the council, and become your responsibility. It’s probably worth the friend contacting Shelter- cruel as it sounds, he might have a better chance of accessing housing if he is genuinely living in a shed.

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