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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/01/2019 07:32

I doubt he'll have even considered short term accommodation like hostels. Firstly, because anyone who isn't sufficiently bothered to turn up to work doesn't sound particularly motivated to anything themselves.

Secondly, in the unlikely event that he has looked at them, he will have discovered that most of them have pretty strict rules about drug use, curfews and chucking you out during the daytime so you can't doss about. Far easier to spin his mate a sob story about hard times and take up residence, for free, in someone else's comfortable home.

OP, you seem committed to doing this. I applaud your kindness even as I am raising an eyebrow at your naivety. I still think it's a bad idea that's going to end in tears, but if you are absolutely determined to have him stay, then do not do ANYTHING for him. No sticking his clothes in for a wash because you're doing one anyway, no plating him up something because you're cooking anyway (unless he's specifically helped cook), no running round after him, no ferrying him about anywhere, no looking things up or finding things out for him - nothing. The easier and more comfortable you make things, the harder he will cling so that he can stay.

I know it's harsh but it's time for him to grow up, and this is an opportunity for him to learn that the world doesn't owe him a free ride. We all have to do it; cushioning and protecting people like this is just making the situation worse, because it's delaying the life lesson that they desperately need.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/01/2019 07:34

Oh and rule number one - no keys to the house and he needs to be out between 9am-5pm. He should be at work, and if he's not he should be out looking for work. It doesn't matter if you're there - it's your home and you're heavily pregnant. Do not let him doss about in the house during the daytime; it's not a hotel.

RoboticSealpup · 29/01/2019 07:40

no ferrying him about anywhere, no looking things up or finding things out for him - nothing

The problem is that she's going to want to do these things in order to get him out of her house. Because he won't do them himself.

ResistanceIsNecessary · 29/01/2019 07:48

Robotic yes, I agree. But it's so important that she doesn't, because the easier she makes it, the harder he will fight to try and stay. She has to be tough from day one and be ready to boot his stuff out at the end of the 2 weeks. TBH the whole thing is a bad idea!

Holidayshopping · 29/01/2019 07:51

How much money is he going to save in two weeks from a job he’s barely going to? What sort of landlord is going to take him on with no references-I think that is naive.

I also think you’ll end up giving him money to get him to leave.

There is no way I would spend the end of my maternity leave like this. Your stress levels should be low, not sky high-think of your baby and you.

Holidayshopping · 29/01/2019 07:52

If having to live in a shed isn’t enough incentive to sort himself out? I can’t see that two weeks in a warm house on a sofa will do anything.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 08:24

Why isn't your DH doing all this research and ferrying him round? You've been taken for a mug and it's going to come back and bite you on the arse.

Juells · 29/01/2019 08:26

Sometimes people just need to understand that there are options out there, it's not totally hopeless and they can turn things around and that's on them to do it.

He had a job and was living for free (presumably) with his mother. If he couldn't get his act together then, wasn't turning up for work, why will he suddenly turn himself around now? He's being enabled all the time. I'm not hard-hearted, I had a nephew staying with me for months at a time when he "didn't have a job and was depressed". My patience was tried when the police arrived at my door with him at half five in the morning, drunk and incapable, he'd vomited in a cab and didn't pay the taxi driver because he couldn't remember his PIN to get money from an ATM. So drunk that the police were afraid to allow him walk home alone.

Those of us who are warning the OP about the difficulty of getting someone out of your house... we're not just saying it to be horrible, we're saying it because we've learned the hard way that some people aren't that interested in sorting themselves out.

I did my nephew no favours by carrying him for so long. He has a job now, but didn't need to search for one while he lived for free with me. I enabled him.

ShatnersWig · 29/01/2019 08:34

I do hope OP you'll come back on this thread and tell us
a) if and when you had to kick him out or;
b) he was as good as gold for two weeks and happily departed; or
c) at the end of two weeks he begged that he had nowhere else to go and your DH let him stay; or
d) none of the above

Panicwiththebisto · 29/01/2019 08:45

or e) Massive show down argument complete with cops' blue light flashing outside after he shat and vomited his bed after a bender/stole your phone to pawn/door was in the way so he kicked a hole in it etc.

Juells · 29/01/2019 08:52

The OP will end up as the bad guy in this - if she tries to enforce her ground-rules she'll be 'controlling', and she'll be lucky if your DH and the friend don't form a little clique, rolling their eyes at each other behind her back and being naughty boys together :(

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 29/01/2019 09:03

Agree on the update

(while I’m firmly in the “hell no” camp part of me is curious/hopeful as to whether this act of kindness actually helps this man get his act together rather than just further enabling his “failure to launch” lifestyle)

Meangirls36 · 29/01/2019 09:03

He's a freeloader fuck him off before he gets his feet under the table and starts acting like he has rights. Hes probably not even your dhs friend just found someone gullible enough to scam.

SilverySurfer · 29/01/2019 11:29

ResistanceIsNecessary
Oh, FFS, the whole 'kindness' thing. Notice all those who say it never say, 'Send him to me! I'll pay his train ticket down and he can bide here till he gets back on his feet'?

^^This. With bells on.

Double bells. This place is full of virtual signalling worthies who are quick to tell others how they should think and feel and act. Also if anyone else excuses bad behaviour by saying they must have mental health issues I shall scream.

Actions have consequences. He is an adult with a job and if his DM can't stand living with him why should you OP?

I hope you can persuade your DH to uninvite him.

Nomorepies · 29/01/2019 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

crosstalk · 29/01/2019 12:50

I think OP has said this is her husband's BF - though not sure why but these things happen. OP has also said it's two weeks only and first sign of trouble and he's out.

OP have you had a three way discussion with your DH, his BF and yourself. Outlining what is trouble and what you expect him to do? Another one for saying he shouldn't have a key and not be left alone in your place - though if you're on mat leave already he may just be around all the time. Is he an okay stoner or has he ever been aggressive? have you talked to his mum about why she kicked him out to the shed and then kicked him out of that? or can your DH talk to her? And why should you do his research for him about where he should go? it's your DH's BF and if anything your DH should be doing it - you don't need the stress. BTW not clear where you live - very few hostels or homeless care in rural towns and villages.

flumpybear · 29/01/2019 13:05

This sounds like such a bad idea OP. Don't put up with anything longer, when you have your baby you'll likely need space, privacy and need to get up and walk around semi naked whilst bf - plus I remember bleeding for weeks afterwards and it's unpleasant so showered with the door open in case my baby cried - you'll need space

Drugs and him being kicked out of his mums house sounds a real negative

Be strong if you're being hero to this person, don't be the clown he messes around though

Andromeida59 · 29/01/2019 17:21

I didn't think you could get JSA/UC if you'd been sacked. Plus doesn't it take at least six weeks for anything to come through?
OP you will find it ends up costing you money in food and bills and that's just to start with. He won't help you with money, he'll end up costing you.

aethelgifu · 29/01/2019 17:39

I didn't think you could get JSA/UC if you'd been sacked. Plus doesn't it take at least six weeks for anything to come through?

Oh, he'd have to claim UC and yy, 5 week minimum. He can only get housing element for room in shared house at his age, too, and probably nothing if he's crashing with a friend.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/01/2019 21:06

I wouldn't want anyone stinking of weed anywhere near my newborn.

Bloody right!

RoboticSealpup · 29/01/2019 22:07

The OP says he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment

AnyFucker · 29/01/2019 22:18

Don't say you weren't warned

ChristmasFlary · 31/01/2019 06:26

@Greywalls12 - how are thing's? Are you ok?

Grubsmummy · 31/01/2019 10:41

Absolutely not because your 8 months pregnant!

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2019 10:55

Don't do it! If he's in a shed then he's homeless and the council could get him into a hostel or suchlike. If he's with you they'll see it that he has a roof over his head and they won't help, he won't be seen as homeless. Him staying with you is only prolonging him sorting himself out.

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