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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To set house rules for DH's friend?

200 replies

Greywalls12 · 28/01/2019 18:28

DH's friend has been kicked out of his mums house and is currently staying in a friends shed with no heating, electricity, water or anything.

His friend is only 22 so fairly young, me and DH are only a couple of years older.

He's been kicked out several times before, but I've only got his friends account of the reasons why. This time it was because he didn't turn up to work on one of the days he was meant to be in.
DH and his friend work for the same company and their boss is actually a relative of mine, so i know for a fact this has been an issue in the past with him not turning up to work, and he has been fired from his current employment previously, although he is still employed at the moment.
DH has said to me we will give him a couple of weeks to find a room to rent somewhere and save the money for this and regardless of whether he's found somewhere or not, he needs to leave.

I'm concerned that this isn't going to happen and he'll be here for months and months, and I'm also 8 months pregnant so although I'm not fond of the idea of him staying here at all, i of course don't want to see him living in a shed/on the streets.

So would it be UR to set some house rules for him staying here?
I know he also smokes weed, me and DH do not do drugs at all and it is not something i will tolerate in the house so that's the first big one.

I also don't really want to charge him rent or ask for money, but money is tight enough for me and DH and I'm worried about the extra water etc, but I'm sure it would be fine if it was only for two weeks.

Has anyone got any advice or any experience on this? I want it to be as stress free as possible, and don't want to feel like a stranger in my own house cause DH's friend will be here!

Apologies for the long post!

OP posts:
woolduvet · 28/01/2019 21:06

Find out when he gets paid and charge him rent on that day. Feel free to put it aside for a deposit on somewhere but he doesn't sound capable of saving.

fiydwi · 28/01/2019 21:09

Anyone taking bets on how long the op will last before she chucks him out 😂

In all seriousness though, good luck, hope he proves us wrong but please come back and give us daily updates xx

coconutpie · 28/01/2019 21:15

These are your last few weeks of being able to have some rest before baby arrives. What if baby arrives early? Best friend or not, he is not your responsibility. By not putting him up, it might actually make him buck up and take some responsibility for his actions.

Aridane · 28/01/2019 21:16

Greywalls - your husband is doing a decent thing for his friend and, yes, a good idea to lay down clear rules and a departure date. Wishing you the best of luck for your new arrivals, both the baby and your HH's friend!

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 21:26

Sigh. Dont even need to read the next thread to kniw whats goung to happen un 2 weeks time.

Whatever you do don't leave him in the house on his own or give/loan him a key. A guy with debt, a drug habit and is lazy is going to need to find funds for weed from somewhere.

RoboticSealpup · 28/01/2019 21:31

Sorry to hear he's moving in with you. He won't leave. He'll have nowhere to go. This will end in tears. Yours. Your DH should be putting you first, not this freeloading loser.

FlawedAmazon · 28/01/2019 21:39

If you really must have him to stay, do absolutely nothing for him beyond making a cup of tea. Actually, fuck that. Make him get his own tea.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 21:39

Actually come to think if it, who really would be happy to imposition themselves onto a couple expecting a baby within weeks? If it were me I'd feel terrible, I'd go out of my way to be as little inconvenience as possible, help with chores, cooking, etc and work like a demon to find a job and own accommodation asap. If this guy doesn't do this then you know he's taking you as a pair of chumps.

ADropofReality · 28/01/2019 21:42

@Fontofnoknowledge

Oh, hippy dippy, love the world and all that.

You will happily foist someone like this on the OP when it's a 1000 miles away from you and your world. If it were your own house you'd be saying no like a shot but for other people, it''s oh think of karma and all that.

Dumbie · 28/01/2019 21:45

Good for you OP. I think you are doing a good thing. It doesn't come without a little risk but you have set good boundaries and a fixed deadline and hopefully your husband is 100% supportive of them. It's his mate so he has to manage it.

Fwiw I'd be saying 'no way' if your child had arrived.
No drugs on your property whatsoever should be a rule.

Little experience of this myself with my brother, he stayed with us for 6 months in the end. Can't say it was a miracle but did give him a bit of headspace for a time and stop him from falling any lower. Sometimes people just need to understand that there are options out there, it's not totally hopeless and they can turn things around and that's on them to do it.

Tigger001 · 28/01/2019 21:47

@Juells it makes me think that the OP is trying to do a nice thing for her husbands friend who is having a tough time. If he messes up, kick him out but I believe people do need a chance and it's nice to see others do also.
At 8 months pregnant I wouldn't have been incapable of letting someone stay at my house, I'm not saying she should assume the role of his mum, just give him a chance, give him a roof over his head for a bit

ADropofReality · 28/01/2019 21:50

When I was 16 I was utterly utterly convinced that I would not be able to cope in the world outside my dad's house. I'd read about Alec Douglas Home - who went on to become Prime Minister - but whose schoolfriend Cyril Connolly said "he appeared honourably ineligible for the struggle of life". I was convinced I'd end up on the streets. I didn't. And DHs "friend" won't be if he bucks his ideas up. He doesn't need to be coddled by you or even your shed.

Lweji · 28/01/2019 21:51

but it's DH's best friend

Is thie the best friend he can find? I'd be asking myself why...

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/01/2019 21:58

The 'just give him a chance' brigade, did you miss the bits in the OP where she said
his own mum has kicked him out after having him stay multiple times and has taken the piss at work multiple times. How many chances does this man need?

Lweji · 28/01/2019 21:59

The last thing you need now is a weed smoking, feckless, cocklodger.

I don't think the OP has any intention to have sex with him, and I hope her OH doesn't either, so he won't be a cocklodger. Grin It's not just an insult.

Handprints2018 · 28/01/2019 22:25

When he messes up be sure to stick to your rule OP. I give it 24, no 48 hours to be generous (sadly).

rosablue · 28/01/2019 22:36

Op when does your maternity leave start? I would certainly want him gone by then so I could relax and enjoy it - which you won’t if he is there. I think a week would be long enough - or maybe 10 days to include 2 weekends/to be moving out next weekend.

Definitely strict rules. Are you able to lock things away anywhere in your property? Money, cards, laptops, passports, etc etc would be worth doing too...

Andromeida59 · 28/01/2019 23:58

We did this. He had a part time job (which DP got for him). He smoked dope constantly in the house. He moved his girlfriend in who ended up stealing my things. He also had numerous people round to either smoke dope together or to use our internet. He vomited all over our carpets and swore at DP when he tried to clean it and him up. He also fell asleep on our sofa covered in tomato sauce with his duck out. He never paid rent. Never contributed and got nasty when I wanted his girlfriend to pay her share of the phone bill when she kept calling 090 numbers.
Seriously OP do not do it. He will break your rules. He will disrespect your home. Do you really want your last month of pregnancy being stressed out? Surely this can't be good for you or the baby. Plus, IME, it could great problems between you and DP.
He's just not worth it.

TheDowagerCuntess · 29/01/2019 00:10

Ah yes, the disingenuous guilt-trippers are out in force on this thread.

I'm willing to bet that pretty much everyone on this thread extends kindness, care and thoughtfulness to friends and family when needed, and probably even to strangers, charities, etc.

The cup of human kindness tends to dry up when it's a bona fide Cheeky Fucker expecting help. Someone who wouldn't dream of being useful and helpful to other people, but takes, runs and shits on others time after time.

Why should the OP be made to feel bad about not helping someone who would never be capable, or even care enough, to treat his own employer - his own Mum! - even half way decently?!

PregnantSea · 29/01/2019 00:20

Don't do it! He will never leave and he will be a nightmare guest!

You're 8 months pregnant and money is tight - it's not your responsibility to house this layabout, you need to put yourself and the baby first. What happens if you go into labour next week? You think he'll leave just because the baby is here? No way...

If he has a job he can move house any time he likes? Presumably mummy wasn't taking rent money for him living in the shed, and he has money for weed. Why can't he get a house share or stay in a hostel for a few weeks?

Porridgeoat · 29/01/2019 04:04

This is what homeless hostels are for. He needs to go to the council first thing in the morning. Ideally at the start of the week rather then the end

Porridgeoat · 29/01/2019 04:08

The friend probably needs to hit rock bottom before sorting himself out

Here’s some info england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/guide/homeless_get_help_from_the_council/who_qualifies_for_housing

Porridgeoat · 29/01/2019 04:09

He will at least be offered short term sheltered accommodation to avoid being on the streets. This is very much a temporary measure

SD1978 · 29/01/2019 04:21

If you do this- no drug use at all- either within your property or at others. One whiff and he's gone immediately. Must be up and looking actively for work within a reasonable time frame in the morning. Time is limited to x and will leave on that day regardless of job or housing situation. Will clean up after himself, and to a mutually acceptable standard. There's a reason his mum has chucked him out and he's been sacked- and it's not because everyone else is out to get him. Partner must be 100% behind you if you choose to terminate the arrangement early.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 29/01/2019 04:42

It seems as though you are determined to do this OP. I hope it works out, I really do. You are being extraordinarily kind and I hope he appreciates it. But like everyone else I have my doubts.

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