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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

236 replies

AliceRR · 27/01/2019 20:45

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/01/2019 20:48

I think the best course of action is to tell your husband that the weekend visits need to be suspended until after the baby arrives. All that faffing about trying to make alternate arrangements is just silly.

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 20:50

I think the best course of action is to tell your husband that the weekend visits need to be suspended until after the baby arrives.

I think this is sensible unless his mother agrees she’ll pick him up if needs be (but she works weekends sometimes so might not be able to) but I don’t think DH would be happy with it especially as he obviously doesn’t want his son to feel pushed aside because we are having a baby.

Realistically he is old enough to understand and his mother is a midwife(!) but it is a difficult one

OP posts:
TulipsInbloom1 · 27/01/2019 20:52

I think it's pretty shitty to suggest to SS that he can't visit for a whole month. Incredibly unfair.

Treat this as if he were your own - put a contingency in place for if he is there. Could you ask his mum to be on standby for collecting him (from home or hospital) once labour starts? Alternatively, is there a rail line he could travel on?

RedHelenB · 27/01/2019 20:52

I would ask his mother if she could pick him up if you heed to go to hospital.

RJnomore1 · 27/01/2019 20:53

He's 14 I don't think there's a big problem. I wouldn't suspend him coming and TBH I don't think it's your call to, but would he not be able to get a bus or train home in an emergency or stay at yours another night?

I have a 14yo btw...

Doghorsechicken · 27/01/2019 20:55

I completely agree with Tulip. Seems pretty mean to not let him visit ‘just in case’. I’d just let his mother know ASAP so she can make her own arrangements to be able to collect her son should you go into labour. Being a midwife I’m sure she will understand.

Redglitter · 27/01/2019 20:55

I think you should speak to his Mum first. Chances are IF you go into labour when hes there she'll be fine with picking him up

Seems very unfair to stop him visiting 'Just in case'

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 27/01/2019 20:55

Is there a reason dss cant use a bus? Surely he can manage a few hours at your home alone if the labour goes well or get the bus back to his dm's if not?

Slothcuddles · 27/01/2019 20:56

I think he’d like to see his new sibling ASAP, not be banished from the house for a month. That will make him feel pushed out.

SometimesMaybe · 27/01/2019 20:56

It’s pretty unfair to say he can’t be there because you don’t want to be in labour in front of him. He will feel really pushed out if you do that. The reality of having children with someone who already has children is you need to think about their needs too.

How sensible is he? Given you would be away for a night he could be left in the house until his mum comes to pick him up. Or does your family live close and could take him?

Happinessisabook · 27/01/2019 20:56

At 14 he can be left alone for a while if needed assuming he is sensible.
Also, in most cases early labour lasts a long time so plenty of time for dh/ex to drop off/ collect.
And it is pretty unlikely you'll go into labour on your due date so might not be an issue at all.

I think you probably need to have a chat with dh, ex and ss to see what you all think and what a practical option could be. I don't think it should be a big worry though.

Eliza9917 · 27/01/2019 20:56

Why can't he stay at yours on his own? 14 is legal to leave them alone isn't it? And at that age he should be perfectly capable.

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 20:57

I think DH should ask his mother if she can get him and then that’s fine if that can be agreed

I wouldn't suspend him coming and TBH I don't think it's your call to

I’m not suggesting we suspend visits just that there is an arrangement to get him home. If there isn’t then I don’t think I woke be happy having him (for that ONE weekend) and it is my call as much as anyone’s as I have enough to think about. DH can still see his son and go over every day If he wants

It’s not just about when we are at the hospital, it’s if I’m in labour in pain (making noise!) for hours before we go to the hospital. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him there for that

OP posts:
Slothcuddles · 27/01/2019 20:57

By the way on my first I was only in hospital less than 24 hours, and dp wasn’t there for half of that as it was over night.

HenweeArcher · 27/01/2019 20:58

Are you on good terms with his DM? Ask her what she thinks? Chances are, as it’s your first it will probably take a little while from first twinges to actual labour starting and then from actual labour starting to having a baby so DH could well have time to drip DSS back. If it all went very quickly, I’m sure he’d cope fine at home with the TV and some cash for a takeaway. Or could DH drop him at a station to get a train or a bus? He’s old enough to be left or travel alone really sin’g He?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 27/01/2019 20:58

If he was your own ds what would you do with him?

missymayhemsmum · 27/01/2019 20:59

He's 14 not 4 and his mother is a midwife, so he's unlikely to be that ignorant about birth. Ask her and ss what their plan is for him to get home if you go into labour. Does he want to be there for the birth of his sibling? Explain that you will want privacy while in labour. Have you really got to 38 weeks without having this conversation?

3out · 27/01/2019 21:00

How would you feel if SS was your DS?
How would you feel in SS’ position - his new sibling being welcomed into the world, but he’s not allowed to be around to celebrate it with you all?

In all likelihood, your baby won’t arrive during the weekend your partner has his son. I understand your concerns, but most 14 year olds would be pretty happy to have the house to themselves for 12 or so hours. Leave him cash for a takeaway or stock up the freezer.

Has anyone asked the son what he wants to do? Maybe he’d rather postpone the visit and doesn’t like the idea of being around someone in labour? I think it’s important to make sure he feels considered though and not squeezed out.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 27/01/2019 21:01

I think his mum will be okay picking him up in the circumstances you describe.
I'd just ask DH to have that conversation with her. She will know her shifts by now, so will know if she is available that weekend.
Additionally (also a midwife), you are unlikely to go in to labour so quickly that he cant manage the journey to return him home should the need arise tbh. I really wouldn't worry. You may find you prefer to be left alone in the very early stages also.

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:01

Agree he should just ask their mother but don’t think he is as he seems to be in denial. I am going to tell him he needs to speak to her and sort something just in case.

I expect at the very start (assuming I know I’m in labour then) he would be able to leave me although I don’t relish the idea!

If it really came to it then I might be able to ask my family but it’s a bit ask for them to either take in a teenager they barely know (that’s the reality) or do a 2 hour plus round trip

All I really want is to know that there is an arrangement in place

Why can't he stay at yours on his own?

It’s potentially a long time on his own and he’s not a very mature 14 year old. He would need to be fed etc.

As I’ve mentioned above it’s also the time before that when I am in labour at home.

OP posts:
xyzandabc · 27/01/2019 21:02

At 14 he can be left home alone without too much concern. Is his mum generally a helpful ex? If so, he could be left alone until she was able to collect him after work if she's working.

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:02

I really think he would rather not be around someone in labour. I wouldn’t have wanted to be around my own mother in labour! Again, I’d be happy for DH to have the conversation but don’t think he has

OP posts:
Houseonahill · 27/01/2019 21:03

I agree he will feel pushed out if he's suddenly banned for a month just in case.

Tell his mum she need to be on stand by and she can then collect him, he can get a bus or a train home, its 45 minutes away not 45 hours, or he can stay at yours and wait, I presume your DH has a mobile if there is an emergency?

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 27/01/2019 21:04

At 14 he can't make himself any food?? Sounds like an ideal opportunity to get him a bit more self sufficient...

Fucket · 27/01/2019 21:04

This happened with my first, dss came to hospital with us. He sat outside the maternity ward with my dh until my BIL arrived by taxi to take care of him. Then dh came in with me. Would something similar work for you?