Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

236 replies

AliceRR · 27/01/2019 20:45

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 13:22

Apparently my husband’s ex (who is a midwife) suggested that DH go over to see SS that weekend rather than bring him here and then if he needs to come straight back he can and DH seems to be happy with that. I assume they spoke to SS. I’m fine with that too.

I’m sure some people will think that’s unfair but his parents suggested it, not me...

OP posts:
Darkstar4855 · 28/01/2019 13:49

My partner’s son is 12 and we agreed with his mum that if I went into labour on a weekend he was with us then my partner would take him home. In the event the baby came early midweek so it wasn’t an issue.

DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/01/2019 13:57

The thing about cooking etc has been addressed - as stated above, it isn’t just about that

Also there isn’t time now for DH to send him on a practice run to get home etc before the next weekend we are supposed to have him

Well no, I wasn't thinking about the next weekend Smile I was thinking more in terms of the future - (a) to give his time with his Dad a bit more purpose and (b) because he needs to learn this stuff anyway.

TeddybearBaby · 28/01/2019 14:08

Sounds like you all have a good relationship. I’m pleased it’s all sorted. I hope you feel better now. Also have you got one of those big bouncy balls to sit on indoors? I found mine really useful.

OutPinked · 28/01/2019 14:17

I think you’re overthinking it. Most women go past their due date, especially with their first so in all likelihood you won’t give birth the weekend your DSS happens to be there. Many women don’t even go into spontaneous labour, I didn’t three times... I needed a membrane sweep, some need inducing. It isn’t how the movies depict, very few women lose their waters then have a baby within an hour or so.

Cross that bridge when you come to it but you will find a solution at the time if you need to.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 28/01/2019 14:26

Sorry if this has already been asked, but have you no friends you can ask to come and stay with him/check up.on him.

rainbowstardrops · 28/01/2019 14:34

That seems like a good idea OP. Like I said earlier, the poor boy probably didn't want to be around you anyway if you were in labour! (No offence!)

TrollQueen · 28/01/2019 14:41

What about getting an emergency babysitter?

Although I really don't see why a 14 year old can't look after himself for a day. Maybe after work his Mum could come and get him?

Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 14:46

See update above - a lot of these have been asked and answered but I appreciate the input

I think this is the best solution since it seems we’re all happy with it

Yes I have a ball that arrived last week 😊 so need to start using every day really

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 18:15

TeddybearBaby "Im struggling to understand why you think it’s the problem of your stepsons mum and her family?"

Because she is his parent. If she were having another baby I expect she'd expect the boy's dad to step. I know I eould of it were my situation.

"You life has moved onto a point that you are having your own child. All sounds great but why do you think that your childcare arrangements for your time with your stepson become the problem of the ex wife and her family?"

OP's life has not 'moved on'! This is her life!

"She might be very kind and be happy to help but it’s not her responsibility I don’t think."

I think it is both parents responsibility. Her child is not her responsibility because it's not her weekend! Is this for real?

The dad has s new responsibility. Of dorsn't meN he washes hos hands of the son he has bit it dors meN he must be there for wife and new baby.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 18:17

It doesn't mean he washes his hands... (Sorry for typos).

OP I think you are getting all this hostility because you dared to have a child with a man who already had a child!

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 18:24

ittakes2 "I'm sorry but you are being selfish"

I think you are having a laugh!

" Being a step parent doesn't make you legally or morally less valuable you know. "

I completely agree but a lot of very, very unpleasant views on here suggest it does.

OP glad there is s plan. Smile

"He stays in his room all the time at his mother’s too. So do his cousins (DH family) who are a similar age. I think it’s fairly common at that age. I spent a lot of time in my room when I lived with my parents from about that age."

Completely true, my dd does too. At the moment (14 and s bit) she is just coming out a little more to watch TV or paint my nails but at 13 we barely saw her!

Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 18:30

OP I think you are getting all this hostility because you dared to have a child with a man who already had a child!

Yes I think there is always a bit of hostility towards step mothers on mumsner so I posted expecting a bit of that to be honest! It hasn’t been as bad as it could have been.

But I can’t help that we don’t have family and friends nearby who’d be able to take him and it is slightly odd that people think he’d be better off with my family or friends who he doesn’t know well (for whatever reason) than his own mother or grandmother just so it doesn’t seem that DH is refusing to take responsibility one weekend...

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 28/01/2019 18:37

Never thought of that solution myself but seems like a good compromise. At least SS isn't missing out on seeing his dad. Going forward hopefully he'll get involved in baby's life and be willing to help out holding baby, dressing baby etc. Best of luck.

commonsenseisnotcommon · 28/01/2019 18:43

Your DSS Presuming you and DP are going to be together for ever isn't involved in your family much! You also don't seem very accommodating towards him. Just be honest and say you don't want him there! Imagine yourself and DP split up and he was expecting a new baby with a first time mother and she was acting how you are, how would you feel! He's probably better off at home where he is wanted.
Did you see your mum in labour or not. You said you did. Then you said you saw her packing her bag.
Be honest and say you don't really want him around.
you know you could also go into labour in the week right!

Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 18:50

Never thought of that solution myself but seems like a good compromise

Thank you! Yes I think so. I must admit I did think that if he or his mother decided he wouldn’t come that weekend (assuming baby hasn’t arrived by then) then DH would still go and see him and take him out for food or something.

Just be honest and say you don't want him there!

Grow up! You’ve basically made all that up in your head you silly thing 😂

OP posts:
commonsenseisnotcommon · 28/01/2019 18:52

Silly thing who didn't think to message her own DP and ask instead of having all these scenarios flying round 🤣🤣🤣

Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 18:52

Never thought of that solution myself but seems like a good compromise

I saw her packing her bag which I understand was when she was in labour (although I might have only realised that after as obviously she later had the baby!) but otherwise no I didn’t. It might have been early morning and she’d been in her room but I can’t remember. My mother is quite private like that too and wouldn’t have spoken openly with me about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 18:53

Silly thing who didn't think to message her own DP and ask instead of having all these scenarios flying round

I did message him twice and asked him face to face and on the phone before he did anything hence I was on here anxious about it. But he’s sorted it now 😊

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 28/01/2019 18:55

Sorry reply above re bag packing was in response to whether or not I saw my mother in labour.

OP posts:
commonsenseisnotcommon · 28/01/2019 19:01

a couple texts and it's sorted! He had already sorted! Communication is key my love,
Remember that!
Good luck with your relationship(s) x

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 19:51

commonsenseisnotcommon "Just be honest and say you don't want him there!"

She has admitted she doesn't want him there when she is in labour.

"Imagine yourself and DP split up and he was expecting a new baby with a first time mother and she was acting how you are" What acting like she wants the baby's father there when she gives birth!

Is mumsnet for real today!

I would imahine the OP would take responsibiluty for her own child and wish her ex well. Or at least I hope she would.

"He's probably better off at home where he is wanted." What a vile thing to say to a pregnant women. This is a child the OP has known for a decade and a women you know nothing of.

Vile goady post. Very sad.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 19:53

commonsenseisnotcommon your post comes off as very bitter, was that the intention? Quite childish.

Italiangreyhound · 28/01/2019 20:08

*AliceRR8 "I don’t know if DH is just lazy or exhausted from the week (we both have demanding jobs) or doesn’t want to bother SS too much but he tends to leave him alone."

IMHO at 14 you really need to find that thing that engages him and make the effort to do stuff he wants to do. That might be playing computer games, borrowing a neighbour's dog (with permission) and going for a walk, a spot of footie, arts and crafts, cooking, whatever. I And when I say you I mean your dh with or without you.

My dh finds it hard to work out what will engage son, so I suggest stuff like baking, which ds loves. With dd, who is mad into anime, we all went on a weekend to Comic Con. It's not always easy but it does seem to be getting a bit easier. IMHO engaging with what engages them is the key. So if ds likes DIY this may work well with the new home, but if not, your dh can find something else.

Good luck in your new home.

Porridgeoat · 28/01/2019 20:39

It’s pretty rediculous that he can’t quickly learn to catch the train or make himself a basic bowl of cerial or some toast.

Swipe left for the next trending thread