Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

236 replies

AliceRR · 27/01/2019 20:45

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

OP posts:
Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:05

Also if he was my son I wouldnt want him there when I’m in labour. I’d arrange for him to go to my parents whether he was 4 or 14!! It’s a weird thing I’m almost squeamish about (have tried to watch labour videos as prep but I can’t!). I wouldn’t want to witness someone else in labour and don’t want anyone to witness me in labour other than DH and medical professionals who I don’t know!

But you’ve also got to bear in mind if I had a 14 year old of my own then I might not be experiencing this anxiety as part of it is not knowing what to expect and whether I’d be able to cope on my own for a couple of hours at the beginning if I need to

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2019 21:06

You’re right that he needs to make a plan.

We’re lucky to have family and friends nearby and the plan is to have at least two people on standby to come and be with my DSC at ours if I go into labour when they’re here or to take them for a day/night. We don’t them to worry or for us to worry and the only way for everyone to feel relaxed about it is to plan and then back up plan!

DH should be making sure you and DSS are both feeling happy and secure. He needs to pull his finger out rather than burying his head in the sand.

Bishbashthrash · 27/01/2019 21:06

He's 14, why can't he stay at home? I don't see my 14 year old all day most weekends. I was out for 9 hours today and they managed to make food and even cleaned 3 rooms.

Surely if you are in labour at home then he can be in his room. I'm sure he wouldn't want to sit and watch you.

I really think it's shitty to say he can't come.

Houseonahill · 27/01/2019 21:06

Or tbf your husband could take him home when labour starts if its 1.5 hour round trip, my mum was my birthing partner and she lived 1.5 hours away so I had to wait for her on my own and it was honestly fine, not a big deal I was just excited so time went really fast (and my labour was 5 hours total)

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:07

This happened with my first, dss came to hospital with us. He sat outside the maternity ward with my dh until my BIL arrived by taxi to take care of him. Then dh came in with me. Would something similar work for you?*

Yes if there is someone to get him. All DH’s family are in another county )otherwise it would be easier) so it would probably be his mother or grandmother who would need to do it

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2019 21:07

At no point has OP said he can’t come! Someone else suggested it. She hasn’t agreed.

WhoGivesADamnForAFlakeyBandit · 27/01/2019 21:10

If there's anything more likely to clamp your cervix shut it'll be a 14 year old step son Grin Can I predict first contraction as he gets in the car to go home?

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:12

At 14 he can't make himself any food?? Sounds like an ideal opportunity to get him a bit more self sufficient...

He can do the basics like make toast but he often in his room when he’s here and if left to his own devices he doesn’t even come down for food until mid-afternoon.

He wouldn’t feed himself properly at all so I wouldn’t want to leave him for more than a few hours and I don’t think DH would

And we’ve never left him overnight

As for trains etc, we have a train station a mile away so DH could take him there if needs be but he’d have to change trains to get to where he lives and then someone might have to meet him at the other end. I don’t know if he’s ever done a train journey like that alone before.

OP posts:
Shallishanti123 · 27/01/2019 21:15

I think perhaps a little anxiety over the both is probably having an impact here. It’s not going to be too terrible... if you’re in labour at home and he’s in his bedroom he probably won’t even know. I think by the time you get to the constant, screaming loud, contractions you’ll be in hospital. The early labour bit is painful, but you can be sure a 14yr old will probs have his headphones on playing iPad or whatever Grin

Cranky17 · 27/01/2019 21:16

I think this is sensible unless his mother agrees she’ll pick him up if needs be (but she works weekends sometimes so might not be able to)

So his mum is working at the weekend, I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to drop everything for a month or the leave work early, she may not be able to get the time off
Is you dps mum around?

Shallishanti123 · 27/01/2019 21:16

Over the birth... not both

3out · 27/01/2019 21:18

Everyone’s labours are different, and I understand why you think you’d rather be alone, but usually early labour is pretty boring. It’s not the primal-cow-mooing stage like later, it’s just generally an uncomfortable time until it gradually gets more intense and then you head for the hospital. If your partner’s son has his own room with tv then I’m sure things won’t be as awkward as you think.

It’s really important to not risk pushing the son away. If you’re really too nervous to have him over on the weekend you’re due then your partner needs to respect your wishes and chat to his ex and son, but it’s unlikely you’ll go into labour that weekend.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 27/01/2019 21:18

Also if he was my son I wouldnt want him there when I’m in labour. I’d arrange for him to go to my parents whether he was 4 or 14!!

Do you want him to be a good brother to your new baby? Because they will be blood relatives, he will be feeling really worried about what this will do to his relationship with his dad, and his feelings do matter.
I can't see why a 14 year old couldn't be in his room and just make an arrangement for the (unlikely) event that you specifically need to go into the hospital when he's there. Worst case he can come and sit on a waiting room for an hour or two while someone comes to pick him up. Yes, it's your body and your choice about who is in the room with you at home, and who is in the hospital for the birth, but ejecting a 14 year old from his own home when his sister is being born is mean, and likely to damage all your relationships.

Skittlesandbeer · 27/01/2019 21:19

To be honest, I think this sort of arrangement needs to be made between the women. It’d be great if your DH was the kind of man who could naturally take responsibility for this and get it sorted, but it sounds like he’s paralysed and feeling caught between competing needs. He may also have forgotten the practicalities of labour, or be in denial.

Given that his ex is a midwife, and you an expectant mother, it makes more sense for you to go direct to her rather than nagging him to do it. And talk to your DSS directly about it too. Sounds like everyone’s assuming his feelings on this, and his mother may do the same.

FaceTime both of them together, asking honestly for suggestions about how to deal with the next month. Consider that there’ll need to be a different dynamic now that there’ll be a baby in the house, and get this off on the right foot.

3out · 27/01/2019 21:21

‘He can do the basics like make toast but he often in his room when he’s here and if left to his own devices he doesn’t even come down for food until mid-afternoon.

He wouldn’t feed himself properly at all so I wouldn’t want to leave him for more than a few hours and I don’t think DH would’

I really wouldn’t worry about him eating properly for one day. And if he doesn’t come down to eat until midday, then he prob isn’t hungry, and prob this is what he does when he’s at home. A 14 year old will never starve ;)

rwalker · 27/01/2019 21:21

At 14 i would ask him and also if you get on with the mother ask her what to do for the best . Do tell him you are worried about cancelling the vist and him feeling left out but so you don't want him left overnight on his own .

Drum2018 · 27/01/2019 21:23

Make his mum aware of your due date. She may decide not to send him that weekend or the child may decide for himself that he doesn't want to go to yours that weekend. You are creating scenarios that may not happen. Speak to his mum and see what she thinks. Do it asap so that you have a plan in place and you don't spend the next 2 weeks fretting about it.

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:23

Yes anxiety and not knowing what to expexr are a big part of it. I have been v anxious this pregnancy and I know I can’t plan everything but I am focusing on different things at different times and right now it’s worring I’ll need DH and be left alone if not in early stages then later on as we left him home alone and then he needs something. There is no one else nearby for him to call as he doesn’t really know my family

So his mum is working at the weekend, I don’t think it’s fair to ask her to drop everything for a month or the leave work early, she may not be able to get the time off
Is you dps mum around?

I don’t know if she’s working that weekend. She could be. But he has other family who might be able to collect him such as grandmother or aunt. As I say, DH side of family are not near us. As for asking her to drop everyone for a month, no it’s literally that one weekend that we are due to have him that has any real likelihood of being affected as I would be a full 42 weeks by the following weekend.

What is dps mum?

OP posts:
Dollymixture22 · 27/01/2019 21:24

You are totally correct that your husband needs to do some practical planning to make sure his son feels included, but is also picked up and delivered home in time for school etc.

Every other weekend isn’t a lot of contact - and surely for one weekend his mum should Nobel in standby to come and fetch him?

THe limited contact makes me wonder if there is a back story with your husband and his ex?

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2019 21:26

It’s absplutely not a job for the women Hmm

It’s a job for DSS dad. He can liaise with his ex or find another way to have back up. It’s not OPs job at all. She’s got enough on her plate right now.

user139328237 · 27/01/2019 21:27

Why am I expecting a follow up from the OP in a months time saying she's uncomfortable having him about while she's breast feeding so she needs her husband to not see him for the next year?
The kid is 14 not 4. He can be left in the house for several hours and honestly it doesn't matter as a one off if he doesn't eat until mid afternoon. He is also more than old enough to make the journey home by public transport if there is suitable routes or in a taxi if not.

user1493413286 · 27/01/2019 21:28

We agreed that DHs mum would come and stay when DSD was at ours around my due date so she could either take her home, take her to her mums or just stay with her as I felt exactly the same; realistically it’s only one weekend as by the next weekend he is going to come and stay your baby would be overdue and you’d most likely be induced so you could reasonably cancel the weekend

Original poster
AliceRR · 27/01/2019 21:29

It’s absplutely not a job for the women

It’s probably better coming from DH as I think I would just rub her up the wrong way! I don’t have much of a relationship with her to be honest so wouldn’t want to suddenly be making demands. I expect she will understand as she is a midwife but I don’t even know if she knows when baby is due properly

OP posts:
FissionChips · 27/01/2019 21:29

He wouldn’t feed himself properly at all so I wouldn’t want to leave him for more than a few hours and I don’t think DH would

He’s 14! He can make food or he can go hungry.

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/01/2019 21:29

Not idea user139328237 as you’re clearly just making things up to have a pop at a woman who’s about to have her first baby and wants to make sure her step son is being cared for if she goes into labour when he’s there. Nasty and uncalled for.

Swipe left for the next trending thread