To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

Yes it’s definitely your dhs problem to sort out. Not yours.

My dss was around for my first and last births. As I said before aged 10 he came with us. Aged 14 he stayed at home and watched his siblings for a couple of hours. I’d had a home birth but they wanted me to go in as my blood pressure was a bit low. He looked after his siblings and made them breakfast, and got them dressed. He was pretty chuffed to meet his new siblings on the two occasions he was around.

’m not sure why so many people think my in laws should drive for hours or my family should drive for basically two hours rather than SS family be involved

I think it's very telling that you don't see either your family or DH's family as your stepson's family. I find that a little sad tbh.

That said, I think you're right that dh needs to work out some sort of plan.

Actuary, AliceRR I think your dh is being really selfish in leaving you to worry about this.

Of course you do not want your step son to be left out of things with a new baby on the way but you are the priority at the moment.

In your shoes I'd give my husband 24 hours to sort this all out or I would talk to dss and his mum and explain that there is no one here to take him home if you go into labour on your due date, which is during the visit.

So either his mum can come and get him or next month's visit will need to be postponed, perhaps brought forward but even that would be a bit of a risk.

You really do not need to be worrying about this when you are about to give birth.

It sounds like you know ds well and have a good relationship with him. You've known him since he was 4 so that suggests you do understand how he feels.

I cannot imagine my 14 year old wanting to get caught up in my labour!

If it were me, if the visit does go ahead, it would only be if someone was on standby to take him home. Otherwise I would tell dh that the visit cannot go ahead as scheduled. Maybe your dh could go up for a day/evening and take the lad out etc.

Whatever happens if your dh ends up missing the birth because he is taking ds home, I can imagine it will make the first few days with new baby very tense.

This is not a time for your step son to learn to cook, or learn to be responsible at home or learn to take a train!

Well yes the point is I just want to know something is in place as I have all sorts going around my head atm and don’t want to worry about another thing or DH getting a call to say SS burnt himself on the oven or caused a small fire! 😂

They now don't let you go any longer than a week over btw

Thanks. I wasn’t sure but planned to ask MW at next appointment (Thursday) if I haven’t gone into labour or already by then. One of them told me you can have a sweep from 40 weeks exactly but not sure I would want to

Gosh it doesnt sound like dss is part of your lives at all. Youve known him since he was four and your parents havent bothered to get to know him? Honestly op that’s no your fault at all, but it isnt normal. It is very mean.

They didn’t know DH all that time either! People are looking too much into this point. My parents didn’t meet my DH until about four years ago (this was down to me as the whole thing was complicated and it was basically when we were due to get engaged and things were serious that I introduced them) so it’s not as if they just ignored SS existence all the time we’ve been together. They didn’t know him and then they were getting to know DH, with the odd visit here and there, they weren’t round my house every weekend when SS was there.

The fact is SS is part of our lives of course and I have him here more than I see any of my family!

I would keep the arrangements as they are and play it by ear. His Mum could always come and pick him up if necessary.

I’m anxious but happy for him to come over if I know his mum or grandmother would be able to pick him up if necessary in advance. I know on mumsnet the stepmothers feelings often don’t matter(!) but this is quite a big thing for me and how I feel about the whole thing is important too

I think you must be reading a different thread to me. It sounds like the OP is a very caring step mum who knows her step child.

Thank you. I do think it will be better for all concerned if everyone does know what’s going on. Even if it just means his mum knowing when my due date is in case it means plans change. It would be annoying for her if something happened and DH had to call on her in an emergency and she had to alter her plans. And also so SS is aware and can speak to us or his mother if needs be to understand a bit more about the situation. She is a midwife and so can explain to him how things work (I think she does talk to him because the other day we were watching Bird Box and two of the women gave birth in what seemed like quick time and he commented that he “thought it took like a day to give birth” 😬

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on this thread op. It's completely normal and not at all unreasonable to desire privacy in labour. I would have hated anyone 'watching'. It's not in any way unreasonable to expect your dp to make a plan for this, however much he might not want to or consisder it necessary. As you don't have a relationship to speak of with dss' mother, you will have to ensure dp speaks to her and agrees something. 14 is old enough to understand that women in late stage pregnancy and labour are allowed to expect alterations to the normal way things are done and that this doesn't equate to being 'pushed out'.

As an aside, I recommend doing some reading about the various hormones involved in the process of labour and birth. I couldn't tell you the details without looking it up but, in a nutshell, one of the most essential ones (oxytocin?!) is closely tied to privacy. It means you're unlikely to go in to labour until you feel secure in your environment. Obviously it's not a guarantee! (See the woman giving birth at the tube station last week...) but really worth reading up about if it's your first and you're feeling anxious about the whole thing.

Actuary, AliceRR I think your dh is being really selfish in leaving you to worry about this.

I agree with you. I know some people think I’m being precious but this is my first pregnancy and I have been anxious throughout. I am always worrying that something could be wrong and I am a little anxious about the birth. I am not trying to exclude SS or make him feel sidelined at all. I am a bit of “planner” so I like to know what’s going on. Obviously I can’t plan all of this and I don’t know exactly when I’ll go into labour but I will feel calmer about the whole thing if DH will sort this out and give me some reassurance. He is a lot more laid back and so probably wants to go with the flow but if I did go into labour when SS was here I know he’d be stressed too so better that he thinks about it.

Whatever happens if your dh ends up missing the birth because he is taking ds home, I can imagine it will make the first few days with new baby very tense.

Well to say it would be tense is an understatement!

I never understand the whole you cannot ever ask SS not to come around. He’s not made of paper, it’s only a few weeks! This is a one off!

And totally understandable.

There are plenty of ways to still make him feel special. He can be the first person after dad to see and hold the baby. Maybe he can be the one to tell relatives - not Dad. He can be the first one to give the baby a present. He can help with the middle name? You could make a huge fuss of him, taking pictures of the siblings, get dad to put it on a card for SS, etc

On the other hand, the birth and starting off as a first time to a new baby is a huge thing for the mum. It can be very scary. And it’s really important to have some time to adjust without any added stress and being a step mum is often very very stressful. I didn’t want my DSD around for a week, looking back I’m soooo glad I did. She would have driven me over the edge! She was the first to see the baby though, and we had her around most days for a short visit. I just wasn’t going to be woken up by her blasting the Xbox while DP was at work for the first few days. You just can’t muck around playing happy families ignoring the reality when there’s a few days old baby and mum that’s recovering. Have a heart!

I think you've had a bit of a hard time on this thread op. It's completely normal and not at all unreasonable to desire privacy in labour.

Thank you. I think it’s natural too but I think because this involves a stepson people are very protective of the child, which I understand.

I recommend doing some reading about the various hormones involved in the process of labour and birth.

I have seen reference to the hormones but don’t know the details so will be looking it up. I haven’t done any antenatal classes but just signed up to a hypnobirthing digital course so think that covers some of it plus I plan to do some more reading on the coming days while I’m at home on mat leave.

"He is a lot more laid back and so probably wants to go with the flow but if I did go into labour when SS was here I know he’d be stressed too so better that he thinks about it."

he is probably a bit more laid back because a baby wont be exiting from his body any time soon. Honestly just tell him, 24 hours to speak to your step son and his mum or you will. He is not thinking about you. He should be.

And it’s really important to have some time to adjust without any added stress and being a step mum is often very very stressful.

You can't just turn off being a step mum at stressful times any more than you can turn off your biological kids. A step child isn't a niece or nephew that it's nice to see but can be put to one side for a couple of months when the real baby is born! The step child is an integral part of your life, even at inconvenient times of course he can't just not see his dad for an entire month. No doubt after the baby comes they'll be tricky times too - the baby's been up all night, SS has a cold you don't want the baby to catch etc. You just have to work around it and find a way to fit SS in.

I’ve seen the new mum to be always be attacked in similar threads. Always with a very strong ‘but it will push step child away’ message.

It makes me sad to think a step mum cannot ever say that her needs trump the step child’s. Not even for a week or two after childbirth.

@popcakes Ha! No a step mum is NOT A MUM. She does not have to treat her step kids as her own kids. And any step mum who dares to say that she is mum or the kids are hers would be attacked with fury.

Can’t have it both ways!

Looks on this thread like quite a lot of negative and unpleasant comments directed at the OP but dressed up as caring for her step child!

At 14 he may well be able to comprehend hat a new baby is going to change things a bit. And the OP sounds like a lovely step mum who will manage all this well. But the bottom line is her dh is dragging his heels and letting her worry about something she should not need to be concerned with.

Agree completely with Italiangreyhound. Tell him to get on and speak to his son's mother in the next 24 hours.. or you will do it and say you've had to because he's dragged his feet.

I understand you are anxious, and I probably would have more sympathy if you were talking about a young child. But for goodness sake a 14yo can look after himself for a few hours, then his mum can pick him up when she's finished work if you are that concerned.

Not the point of the thread but your DSS should have more life skills by now, such as basic cooking and being able to catch trains etc, not your issue but maybe something your DH and his ex need to address.

Most teens own earphones for music or headset for gaming. If you went into labour, he'd be able to block out the sound.

How comes he can't make any good? Teach him how to make something simple like a sandwich, oven pizza or microwave meal ASAP.

Yanbu to want to know the plan for labour and meeting his sibling.

Personally I think that the worst case scenario is that mum picks him up after work. I don't know how long a typical shift is but assuming 10 hours then including the driving, he'd be alone for 12 hours which is fine as a one off. You mentioned her possibly not knowing the due date. Your h needs to tell her so she's got time to organise things and isn't caught by surprise.

Some of the comments are really
It's your first baby. It's perfectly fine to duck out of one access weekend if you haven't given birth by then. Of course you don't want DSS around if you are labouring. It doesn't mean you don't care for him or whatever, it's just one of those times that you are allowed to be totally self focussed. I have a DSS and he was living with me when I had DS. He got shipped off to his grandparents. I made sure he was the first to meet his brother though when we came back from hospital. Tell DP to talk to DSS's DM. She'll be fine about it. Childbirth is unpredictable and messy, it's no place for a teenage boy and as a MW she'll totally understand that. If DP takes paternity leave perhaps he can collect DSS after school one afternoon to bring him to meet the baby.
All the best with the birth

MarchInHappiness " But for goodness sake a 14yo can look after himself for a few hours, then his mum can pick him up when she's finished work if you are that concerned. "

Can she?

She has not been consulted about whether or not she can pick him up. That's the point. The OP's dh has not consulted on this in the 38 weeks his wife has been pregnant.

It's not the OP's job to teach her step son cooking and life skills. And certainly not now!

My 14 year old dd can cook herself some food but I would still worry she might set the kitchen alight, or trash the house with all her stuff and if I were in labour she would not be at home in an empty house for a minute. She would be staying with friends. This is not in the OP's hands since the lad's friends are where he lives, with his mum.

You could try to arrange a home birth! Perhaps dh's ex could even pop round and lend a hand?

You're welcome

You’ve no idea how long labour will take or what might happen. The last thing you want is your DP on long calls to his Ex arranging last minute stuff or ordering pizza for his son or telling him how to put the heating on. Even I arranged for mil to have my own teenage son when I went into to labour. To stay indefinitely until I felt it was okay.

And not even I would have told my son to put on headphones and play fortnight if I was screaming the place down in agony. Poor boy would never be the same again!

Ha ha or just do what @jock says. Then everyone on this thread would be happy!

This is not about the step son. It's not about him feeling comfortable or not. This is about the OP -what is good for her.

I assume his dad could teach him to cook. Why should it only be a female's job. Maybe dad could just make that a priority now in time for the birth.

Yes, I love the idea of him lending a hand at the birth, he would certainly not feel pushed out then!

Why don't you arrange for an adult to be at your house when you go in to labour

The OP has been very very clear that she wants privacy at the beginning of labour. Please respect her labour plan.