To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

The likelihood is you will get plenty of notice that you are in labour and be able to make appropriate arrangements.

This is good to know. Like I said I don’t know what to expect or how far things will have progressed by the time I know I’m in labour. I’ve also been v anxious during this pregnancy so I’m thinking if I’m anxious then I might not want DH to leave me but also it’s probably the anxiety that makes me want to have a plan in place...

Will speak to DH tomorrow

I’m exhausted!!

It’s understandable that you are worried about arrangements as labour can be unpredictable. Focusing on problems rather than solutions won’t help you ease your anxiety though.

There have been lots of helpful suggestions on this thread.

If you are really concerned about him being at home alone, you could ask your mum to pop in and check on him. Leave him money for a takeaway or have meals in the freezer.
He will also be able to text or call his dad, and his dad can do the same.

With regard to transport home- if his mum can’t pick him up, there is no reason that a 14 year old can’t take a train, even if there is one change. It’s both his parents responsibility to discuss this possibility with him.

If he has any problems he can call his mum or ask a ticket inspector. It’s not like he will be inter railing around Eastern Europe!

You should be a joined Family, if you consider him your SS and not your Partner's Son. So it isn't 'your Family', it's your DSS's Family, as well.

How I consider SS and how my family do are two different things. FWIW my parents were not happy about me marrying DH because they didn’t want me to marry someone with children. I can’t do much about that, especially not in the next two weeks! Maybe things will change when the baby is here but I’ve addressed the issue above otherwise and don’t intend to fixate in it even if others do!

Hmm, I still think that he should visit but that you have to have a back up for when you start getting twitchy. He doesn't have to know them well, it's just for a day. Do you have a friend with an extra bedroom? I'd happily care for a friends stepson for one single day- if it is even that. He's 14, he won't be crying for his parents! Plus that he'll probably love to meet his sibling once it's born. Just make sure that he gets to take his favourite games and the ipad or something like that and pack his favourite snack.

If you are really concerned about him being at home alone, you could ask your mum to pop in and check on him.

My mum doesn’t drive. Also I’ve addressed everything else you’ve said.

Yes there have been lots of helpful suggestions. I’ve thanked everyone for them and said that I’ll be following up on the most helpful - getting DH to speak to his son and his ex in the first instance!

RTFT

I don’t think it’s fair to ask a teenage boy, and not a v mature or confident one at that, to stay with someone he doesn’t know overnight. He doesn’t know my friends as I tend to go out and meet them for coffee or dinner. They don’t come to my house often.

Believe it or not I am actually thinking about what he might be comfortable with

"I’d like to think someone in her family would agree to pick up their son / grandson / nephew as many of you think my family should..."

In the whole scheme of things, your DP doesn't see your DSS much and when it's his contact, if he has an issue, he should be solving it.

You might have a text book labour, were you have a show a few days before. Then start to lose your plug, with the last bit coming out and the lower back pain starts. You'll have hours before you start to have regular contractions etc.

What does your dss want to do? At 14 he may want to avoid coming over, or he might really want to be around to be one of the first people to meet your baby/their sibling. If the latter is important to him, explain he may have to spend some time waiting alone. He can decide if thats something he is prepared to do. Involve him in the decision. You should not infantilise him, he needs to start being independent and part of that is to decide whether he wants to come over or not.

If he wants to come over and you literally have no one to watch him, why can’t the sit out by the ward? What is wrong with that? Your dh could sit with him for a bit until the crucial bit? Then once you are all tidied up you have an extra pair of hands. Or maybe he could stay at home and your dh go and get him once baby is born? Can’t you buy him a ready meal?

It really is not up to his mum to sort out your problem. It will look like you are pushing him away.

*I don’t think it’s fair to ask a teenage boy, and not a v mature or confident one at that, to stay with someone he doesn’t know overnight. He doesn’t know my friends as I tend to go out and meet them for coffee or dinner. They don’t come to my house often.

Believe it or not I am actually thinking about what he might be comfortable with*

Can you ask him? I'm pretty sure a teenage boy wouldn't want to stay with a labouring woman anyway. They tend to be a bit eeeeew about those things at that age. Maybe he can decide what would be more important to him: staying with a relative stranger till baby is here or stay at home with his mother. He is of an age that he can think about those things with you.

Your really lucky that your DP is so accepting of your Family, then.

Many MNers and the general advice is to go LC/NC if the Step children aren't accepted.

If you and your DP sexes were reversed, he be told to not have them visit for months and only if the start to accept your SS.

It's seems that your Family coming from abroad and staying with your Mum, so they can see your Newborn, has been prioritised above your DSS meeting his Sibling.

No one has said anything about DSS not meeting his sibling.

Get a grip

AliceRR I cannot believe so many people want to give you advice on this, without taking into consideration that this is a very exciting and a very scary time for you.

This is a big moment for you.

This is not a time for your step son to learn to cook, or learn to be responsible at home or learn to take a train!

You might be in hospital a few hours or a few days. You certainly do not need to be worrying about keeping your labour quiet so as not to upset a teenage boy.

As you rightly say, if he were your son you would be making provision for him with relatives, or even his friends' families, so you did not have to worry about him.

If your step son lived with you full time, you would have contacts and friends of his and could make sure he was well cared for.

At 14, even if he's not mature, could you just not leave him in the house if he was there when you go into labour? I am sure at 14 he could feed himself something like a sandwich. Or get some pot noodles in if he really can't use an oven. His mum should come and get him in a few hours, or he could just stop the night. Or he may want to stay at your house so he can meet the baby before going home.

I agree to consult him on what he wants to happen. You could leave him at home and his DM picks him up when she is able to.

You probably won't need contingency plans. Our bodies tend to know when would be a good time to give birth, you may well not give birth over that weekend because you won't be relaxed. My bet would be that the baby waits until at least the Monday or Tuesday.

Good grief. When you enter a relationship with previous children you accept and welcome them of course. Step parents extended family aren't obligated to. Step grandparents can mean a lot or not very much. My ss is not one bit sad that my family aren't close with him.
All irrelevant to the post anyway.

I think your DH has to be careful that his son doesn't feel pushed aside. It would probably be best he organised a plan with his ex. It would be uncomfortable for you and SS if you went into labour while he was there. Could his mum drop off and hang around in the area and take SS back on the same day? 1.5x2 is doable. Maybe both his parents could ask him what he wants. If it's not sorted, you could end up on your own giving birth as he can't just leave his son. Although you would probably be ok on your own. It depends on you personality. You know yourself best. Hope it gets sorted

They now don't let you go any longer than a week over btw

My dd is 14 and has never taken a train by herself or any kind of long bus journey. She can look after herself for a few hours but not overnight. Were I about to go into labour I would not want her here at home, on her own, while I was trying to bring a baby into the world.

I hope the birth is easily and simple and comes at the best possible time for you but please do not make any plans based on this. It's not always as simple as that.

They now don't let you go any longer than a week over btw

Really? Since when? Still says on the NHS website that induction will be offered if labour doesn't happen naturally by 42 weeks.

Gosh it doesnt sound like dss is part of your lives at all. Youve known him since he was four and your parents havent bothered to get to know him? Honestly op that’s no your fault at all, but it isnt normal. It is very mean.

You're overthinking the issue, i think. He should be capable of feeding himself. My 7 and 8 year old certainly can make themselves something to eat! Your dh wont likely be at hospital as long as you might be. And finally, it is your dh’s responsibility, not yours. Tell him to sort it and you focus on meditation in preparation for labour.

In the nicest possible way, you’re worrying over nothing. Your dh will have PLENTY of time to drop your dss at home when labour starts, and you’ll be fine by yourself. It’s. it not like on tv, labour is SLOW (especially with a first baby!)

My first contractions started at about 2am. They were roughly every hour or so, and only mildly uncomfortable. My dh slept next me! Don’t worry about making noise at that stage, you won’t By about 11am they were about every 40 minutes, but still very manageable (I actually dozed in between each one and was woken up by them). You’ll manage fine while dh drops of ds, I promise!

My contractions weren’t painful and more regular until about 4-5pm that afternoon. That was when I appreciated my dh’s support.

Don’t worry, you’ll be fine. Good luck

C0untDucku1a "Gosh it doesnt sound like dss is part of your lives at all." I think you must be reading a different thread to me. It sounds like the OP is a very caring step mum who knows her step child.

I would have thought your SS might feel hurt and put out if he can't visit on the offchance the baby comes on that weekend (after all presumably he's at school 5/7ths of the time and it would be more likely that he won't be there while you're in labour, not to mention that it might not even be that week). To avoid him feeing displaced over the baby and to make him feel included I would keep the arrangements as they are and play it by ear. His Mum could always come and pick him up if necessary.

*drops off dss! Sorry it’s late & I have a teething 20 month old