To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

It's not ideal, but could he spend the night at your mum's? I am actually in a similar situation but have a 4yo as well who is going to my mum's. I have given her a heads up that there is a really small chance DSS12 will be coming as well. It would be a bit crampt in their house but going into labour is an emergency situation, as long as they're with someone responsible, it doesn't have to be perfect.

Get dh to cook some meals and freeze them for dss in case. It's his son and he should be making the arrangements.
He sounds as useful as a chocolate tea pot.

First off stop watching labour videos. Labour from the POV of the mother is not like other people. It will make you more worried and will not prepare you! Try reading a positive book written by Ina May.

Second of all, I was worried about my own son being around when I went into labour the second time around, so can understand! We made arrangements for him to be looked after as I knew what it would be like from the first time.

So, best thing I’d suggest is speak to your dh and the ex and come up with a plan together.

Tell DP he has to arrange with his ex that if you were to go into labour it would be best if she could collect DSS so that he isn't home alone for too long. Otherwise he will have to be at home or sat outside the labour ward for hours. I'm sure she won't want him doing that so will likely agree.

If you go into labour while he is there you are going to have to either let DP drive him home or let him sit around til his Mum collects him.

You can't ban him from visiting just incase you go into labour though.

If his Mum won't collect him then your DP is going to have to either drive him home, get someone else to do it or your SS will have to go with you to hospital which isn't the end of the world tbh, just tell him to bring his phone and laptop and have a bag with snacks/change etc with him.

He can be left in the house for several hours and honestly it doesn't matter as a one off if he doesn't eat until mid afternoon.

It might not be just a few hours though. I mean I don’t know what the average is but I’m thinking what if I go to hospital and I’m still there 24 hours later, or more? It’s a long time for him to be left alone and if it’s overnight I don’t know if he’d be comfortable.

But this comes back to what PPs have said about DH talking to him and his mother

We agreed that DHs mum would come and stay when DSD was at ours around my due date

This would be fine but because DH family are not around here we don’t have that support from DH’s family so if needs to come from his mother or her side of the family. As you say it’s literally just one weekend that is porentially affected

I will speak to DH and get him to talk to them to work something out

What if he lived with you full time? You couldn't just boot him out for the weekend in case you go into labour. Just see what happens OP the world will not end if your labour starts while SS is in the house. YAB precious.

My exh lives 30 miles away, ds's used to commute alone from about 12. Bet he manages to ramble about with his mates just fine.

It's not ideal, but could he spend the night at your mum's?

Not really. I have family abroad who are planning to come over for around time baby is born. Not sure when (it is often last minute!) but she has enough on and it is a lot to ask. Plus he doesn’t know my parents that well so I can’t imagine he’d be comfortable with that. It makes more sense to me that DH and his child’s mother / her family should make arrangements rather than my parents having to do the driving etc. I’d put myself out for my stepson but that’s different. I’m not asking my parents to do it because DH can’t be bothered.

Try reading a positive book written by Ina May.

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into it. I’m on mat leave as of tomorrow so will have some time on my hands! I don’t watch labour videos any more as I really don’t like it. I don’t know what it is. Just too intimate? Is that the wrong word? I have signed up to hypnobirthing online though so have been watching the course videos and also there is acces to positive birth stories.

I was worried about my own son being around when I went into labour the second time around, so can understand!

Thanks for understanding. I was nearly 11 when my brother was born and barely saw my mother in labour. All I remember was her packing her bag (she hadn’t done t as he was about two weeks early) and then going to hospital but I would have been really uncomfortable to see or hear any more than that.

This would be fine but because DH family are not around here we don’t have that support from DH’s family so if needs to come from his mother or her side of the family.
I think it needs to come from his dads family, I think it’s fine to ask his mum, but would be much better if dh’s mum came down for the weekend, I hear you say they are not near but can she not stay for the weekend?

My exh lives 30 miles away, ds's used to commute alone from about 12. Bet he manages to ramble about with his mates just fine.

Yes perhaps. If DH speaks to them and that’s why they come up with then fine. I’m just saying I’m not sure if he’s done that alone.

What if he lived with you full time?

It’s hard to deal with hypotheticals. If we had him full time it may be that his mother had him weekends or it may be that he had a better relationship with my family because he was with us more and then there would be other potential solutions but as I’ve sais above I don’t think I’d have my own teenage son around when I’m in labour if I had one. That’s the way it was when I was nearly 11 and my brother was born. I didn’t see my mum in labour at all and I’m glad. Well I remember her packing her bag to go to hospital but that was it.

That ONE weekend is ONE month without visits...

Get Mum to put him on the train her end this weekend and your DH can meet son at the change of trains. He can show son how to read train timetables, find his way around, point out where to find help, how to sort tickets out and how to read arrival/departure times. After the weekend when son returns home DH can take him partway on the train. Let DS lead the trip.

You ur DH can also show DS the route to walk to the train station or how to catch a taxi.

As for food. As long as he’s got cerial and can make a sandwich he will be totally fine. You need to enable opportunities for him to grow.

And user I was very open bfing in front of my DSS and will be with this baby too but that doesn't mean I want to be worrying about him while I'm in labour, neither would I if he were my biological son.

Surely if necessary one of your family could drive him home. You have been with his dad long enough to be having a child, they must know your DSS well enough to at least drive him home

I think it needs to come from his dads family, I think it’s fine to ask his mum, but would be much better if dh’s mum came down for the weekend, I hear you say they are not near but can she not stay for the weekend?

No. I’ve been with DH for more than ten years. In that time his parents have never been here!! It’s weird but that’s how it is. They have a relationship and we go down there a few times a year. DH brother came up last year and before that 2.5 years ago around the time we got married but otherwise his four siblings have not been up to visit us either. they all came to the wedding. It’s a weird thing but they don’t do it although they have all at least hinted they’d come and see baby when it’s born. I doubt they’ll want to come on a fortnight “just in case” but seems less of a big deal for a local relative of SS agree to pick him up just in case than one of DH relatives travel 100 miles up here and stay just in case. Also we only have two bedrooms in this house so it would not be a comfortable stay for them if SS was here as they’d have nowhere to sleep!

Yo are making this into a bigger issue then it is. Best follow my advice about train travel

I think you are worrying over nothing tbh, in the kindest possible way.
My friend came here to bring her daughter for a play date last year, and was in early labour when she got here. She stayed all day, and gave birth about an hour after she left here to go to the hospital. Not one of the kids knew she was in labour, even my 15yo didn't notice, despite chatting to her on and off all day!
It's not like you see on eastenders, or even in the birthing videos, certainly not in the early stages.
However, having a back up plan for dss if you do have to go onto hospital is sensible, but it's unlikely to come to that. And, if that plan is that dh takes him home, you'll be fine on your own, honest!

Are you seriously saying your SS has been in your life since he was 3 and doesnt know your family well enough for a lift home or to stay 1 night?

I'm not sure how many people actually give birth on their due date, I was 2 weeks early, DSIL was 2 weeks late so don't fixate on those two days. It could be the visit before or after or any day in between. Your dh needs to come up with a plan, can you have easy prep for dss to eat in your absence or even money and the number of a takeaway until someone can come and see him.

Is there a childminder in the area who can be on call? If your dh's family is abroad can one of your family keep dss company if your dh is away overnight? Ask dss's mum to help if the relationship is good, if not or she can't as working it is up to dh to sort out an alternative as it's his son on his days and that might mean your family step in to help you both out.

Why does everyone keep talking about banishing from the home for a month? OP hasn't said that at all.

I was in the same situation last year, although with slightly shorter distances and a slightly younger SS. Luckily I went in to labour and had DS on my due date (which was a Thursday).

As I see it - DH speaks to SS and asks him what he wants to do. He's 14 - more than capable of deciding if he even wants to be around that weekend. Assuming that he does AND you go in to labour AND your labour progresses in the usual fashion then you labour at home for a couple of hours. During this time DH calls his ex and meets her half way, then comes back in time to take you to the hospital. He'll be gone for about an hour and a half - you can have a nice relaxing bath and listen to music. If you feel like you need to go to hospital during the time he's away you can call a taxi and he can meet you there.

It'll be okay, and fwiw labour isn't as bad as you're dreading. If it were no one would have two!

That ONE weekend is ONE month without visits...

Well it doesn’t have to be. It just needs to be a weekend with provision for someone to collect or look after SS if needed!

Surely if necessary one of your family could drive him home. You have been with his dad long enough to be having a child, they must know your DSS well enough to at least drive him home

They know him enough in the sense that they know who each other are but my parents and stepson are not both here that often at the same time. I tend to visit my parents more as my mum doesn’t drive and then I tend to go alone or we go when SS isn’t here as I don’t think he’d want to go and it makes sense to not leave SS alone when we can see my parents another time...

If it was a ten minute drive then fine but it’s 2 hours plus (bearing in mind my family would have to get to our house and then it’s 1.5 hours round trip minimum from here and then back home) but why should I have my family on standby rather than his own mother and family do it.

My mum doesn’t drive. My dad and brother are often busy on the weekend.

I’m not sure why so many people think my in laws should drive for hours or my family should drive for basically two hours rather than SS family be involved

It may not be a problem if DH just asks him and his mother

I’m not raising it tonight though as I’m grumpy

youre having a baby with a man with a teenage son. Why the hell should he miss out time with his dad because you’re giving birth to his half sibling and don’t want a teenage there? Would you get rid off teenage dss if he was your real child?

14 is old enough to look after himself for a day. He won’t need baby sitting and I’m sure he won’t be popping into your bedroom every 2 mins trying to see you breastfeeding .

Ok so it's his weekend and you go into labour. Chances are he will stay in his room with some headphones on. Might pop his head around the door to ask is everything ok, can he do anything etc.

Food he can make the basics and would live on crap. Not a big deal it's one day. But I would bung him some cash for a takeaway.

I wouldn't ban him as a pp said. That's outrageous and incredibly cruel. I would, however, have a chat with him. Let him know he is more than welcome etc and what would he like to do - stay at the house whilst you are at hospital - go to your relatives - come to the hospital - go home - does he have any suggestions. At 14 he's more than old enough to have such a conversation.

I think it’s perfectly fair and reasonable to be quite frank and say you you don’t want him around whilst in labour at any stage. There’s nothing personal about it in regards to him, if you feel you would want privacy for your contractions and the ability to meander around the house half clothed and not be confined to a room having to be quiet what’s wrong with that?

In early labour with my first I very quickly figure out I didn’t want any clothes on and I liked to make noise throughout the contractions, 24 labour but I struggled for about 5 hours in I was a mess lol I don’t cope with pain very well and I would of hated anyone but my other half there.

With my second when I went into labour my eldest got shipped off to my sisters straight away I can just deal with it better that way, there’s really nothing wrong with that.

I think a good idea is to continue vista as normal but have a plan in place, either you OH agreed that he takes him home and he can stay at his mums whether she’s working or not if he can be at yours alone he can be at his mums alone, he’s 14 he’ll survive. Or have it arranged that he can go to his grandparents or aunts theoretically you’ll only be without OH for a few hours and you should be okay for them.

We switched weekends with my SD, so we were due to have her my due day and I’ve history of having babies on or just before my due date so we switched we had two weekends in a row then had two weekends with her at her mums and the free weekends spanned my due date and the weekend after. My OH took her out for dinner and cinema on separate occasions and the park etc in the two weeks we didn’t see her so she didn’t go without seeing us or her dad and she met the new baby after 5 days as we had to be readmitted for weight loss.

Good luck and congratulations!

Maybe the grumpiness is preceding labour...

Anyway, fwiw, your in-laws are SS family - they will be his grandparents, aunts and uncles. As you will likely have a relationship with them through your dh they are better candidates to call on for help than dh's ex in your circumstances.

Most people call on their parents to help at such times if they are available. If yours are unavailable then the next ones would naturally be dh's parents, after all they are going to be baby's grandparents as well.