To think DH needs to make arrangements for SS in case I go into labour

[AliceRR]

I am 38 week’s pregnant.

My first child.

DH has his son (age 14) every other weekend. We had him this weekend so next time is in a fortnight.

My due date is two weeks today.

I realise baby can realistically come any time in the next four weeks (?)(not sure how long I would be allowed to go over, maybe to 42 weeks?) but next weekend with DH son is the only weekend we are due to have him when there is a good chance baby could come if hasn’t arrived already.

He lives with his mother full time in a other city so PU or DO takes 1.5 hours minimum round trip. DH always does pick ups and drop offs. His mother has done it occasionally. I do it sometimes if DH can’t but not often as I don’t really like motorway driving.

If I go into labour before he arrives that weekend that will probably just mean DH cannot pick him up at the normal time.

But if we have him and I go into labour then what?

It’s my first child so I don’t really know what to expect but these are my concerns...

When I go into labour I’ll probably be in labour at home for a while and I don’t think I’d want anyone else there for that other than DH. I wouldn’t want my mother there let alone a teenage boy. I don’t think he’d want to be there either (I wouldn’t want to be if I was him!)

DH doesn’t have family nearby who could take step son to theirs or to his mother’s

I won’t want to be left alone I imagine although maybe I won’t mind in the early stages?? Don’t know what to expect!

When we go to the hospital we’d be there a while and realistically I will need DH to be there for me and it will be difficult for both of us if he is worry about his son who would most likely be home alone for 12-24 hours plus (I assume)? I also don’t think he would want to be waiting in the hospital with us.

I just think DH needs to have a plan for it I go into labour e.g. someone to pick him up and take him out or the house or drop him off to his mum’s. I think he is a bit disorganised and has thought things through and I am a worrier and this is just something I’m worried about eg I’m leaving you alone in labour for two hours now as I need to drop my son off home as his mother is busy...

You do the same thing you would if the 14 year old belonged to both of you. While you are laboring at home, He entertains himself like 14 year olds can do. When it’s time to leave for the hospital, he has a bag ready with snacks, electronic devices, and a spare battery just like any other kid getting dragged along. Then he mostly hangs out in the lobby on his own. Texts your husband when he runs to the cafeteria or decides to walk around the hospital to stretch his legs.

Also ignore the bashing about ‘banishment’ you actually never suggested or agreed to that that was another OP idea.

It seems to me that you and DH need to give SS a crash course in basic cookery. Perhaps teach him to cook frozen pizza and make basic sandwiches so that he can look after himself while he waits for his mum or gran to collect him. I think you are right that DH should say to his ex that your due date is two weeks so someone may need to collect DSS as you wouldn't want to leave him on his own overnight.

The reason I mentioned I have a 14yo wa hopefully to reassure you a bit. If he lives on toast for 24 hours he will be fine I absolutely promise.

I think before my first I thought labour was lots happening; I had a short 3.25 hour labour but the first half of it was nothing happening and waiting a lot. Everyone's different but you're not likely to have him see more than you did of your mums labour even if he is there.

I think you're displacing your stress about the birth into this, which I totally get as it's the type of thing I do too.

I can speak from experience. My first DC was born whilst my DH was collecting DSS for a visit. DH missed the birth as he had obligations to his older children. I had s female relative with me.
It all worked out fine... you have to have some compromises if you get involved with s man who already has children.

14 is plenty old enough to go home by train if necessary. You're making a mountain out of a molehill, OP. My stepson travelled from Oxford to Glasgow on his own by train at 14.

Some of these responses are funny.
'He should be includes'
Jog on. No teenage boy would want to be included in labour and no woman wants to be worrying about making him uncomfortable or stressed while she's starting to go into labour.
It will probably be a long slow process but it might not be. Op wants it to be her and her husband and that's fair enough. I imagine the boys mum will totally understand.
I'm in the exact same situation op but this will be our third together. My ss would really rather not be around for any of it lol and I wouldn't want him to be.
As others have said the best thing is for dh and/ or ss to talk about it and then talk to the mum.

Also in reply to an earlier comment, I have been stepmum in a 50/50 arrangement for 7 years or so and my family have almost no relationship with ss. It's not unusual. It wouldn't enter his head to want to sleep at theirs and they wouldn't be thrilled either.

Good luck op

I think it’s sad that your dss hasn’t been integrated into your family, I think he’s going to find it really tough when the new baby comes. My dss knows all my family and they’re between 2 & 10 hours away, they’re part of my family and I think it’s important they feel that way. I also know that if I asked a member of my family to help in this situation they would and they would see it as helping out my family unit not my dh exw

What does your step son want to do? Ask him, and if it’s not wildly unreasonable go along with his wishes. He may be happy to get the train or stay home alone at yours but you don’t know if you don’t ask him.

Why should his mum have to leave work to come and get him, over his actual family (I.e. your DPs family)? Childcare in your DPs time should be handled by him.

Also, you may be a full 42 weeks on the following weekend, but this doesn't mean you won't be in labour then. You could get induced at 40+12 for example, then not actually give birth for a few days.

I wouldn't worry about early labour at home. At the time when you're in a severe amount of pain, it's usually about then you set off for the hospital.

14 sounds pretty old, aswell. I agree - leave him with money for a takeaway, see how things progress and who is able to take him home. If nobody and things are going slowly (so it isn't appropriate for him to be home alone for the duration), then your DP will have to take him himself. Just decide sooner rather than later.

Yes. I think yout DH should speak to his DS and take it from there. If he wants to go home/ stay home then arrangements can be made with his involvement. And yes to your ILS being his family too.

If he's in his room he may be relatively unaware of you labouring at all btw.

Barring any other needs, would be ideal at 14 for him to use public transport/ make way home etc, and feed himself. This might be the ideal opportunity.

You're overthinking.
Also- your in laws are just as much stepsons family as his mothers so I don't understand why you think it should be her family running around instead of his?

I'm a stepmother- I'm actually also 39 weeks pregnant. I have an 8 year old step son and 4 year old daughter. They'll both be shipped off to my sisters when I go into labour (we have stepson 50/50) unless stepson is with his mum.

I can't imagine a scenario where he isn't remotely close to your family having been in your lift since he was so young! I have family all over the U.K. and my stepson is just as much a family member to them as my daughter is.

A bit off topic but why does he not know your parents well enough for you to want to enlist their help? He’s their step-grandson isn’t he?

You still haven’t responded to my suggestion about train travel. DH needs to show him how to use the trains next visit. He’s 14 not 4. He can eat cereal and won’t starve. Stop creating problems

Your DH can take him home and be back in 90 mins. You'll very likely labour at home for much longer than that so DH could run him home. The first few hours are quite boring!

If labour was progressing quickly then SS stays at home whilst you go to hospital with DH. He can go back and check on him once baby is born.

Fair chance it won't happen that weekend anyway!

I wanted my husband to be 100% available for me when I had my first baby and I asked his daughter didn’t come on the weekend my boy was due. I eas struggling to handle the stress of going into labour and having to stress about what we would do with his daughter was too much for me.
My husband understood that. It’s not like his daughter was dumped in a hostile place instead.. she stayed with her mum who loves her. my DSD came soon after to meet her brother and it was fine.
For me, as a step mum I make so so many sacrifices for the stepchildren. Occasionally I get the right to be selfish and put myself first. Having a baby felt like one of those rare times.
I’m not suggesting you take that approach: you DSs is a lot older so there be another solution; but I’m just writing this to say that not everyone would consider you selfish if you did ask that he didn’t stay.

Goodness so much fuss! Early labour lasts ages and isn’t the sort of pain where you’re yelling and screaming. Plenty of time for your DP to take his DS home and get back to you before anything interesting happens.

So he’s 14, and his mums a midwife- surely he’d be ok at home if you did go into labour till either his mum could get him or your husband or a friend could take him home.
Also- when you do go into labour you may have some pain at home but you won’t be whipping your fanjo out or anything gross, and as a 14 year old I’m sure he’d quickly either hide in his room or being the son of a midwife might actually be useful to have around! I think your over thinking this!

you will be totaly fine alone for a couple of hours whilst DH drops him home.

Thank you for the replies

I think some of them are repeating things I’ve already answer so I’m not going to address them all but I appreciate all of the input

I think the best thing is for DH to speak to his ex and his son to ensure there is someone available to pick up or whatever if needed. The hospital is a bit closer to SS mother’s so it may be we agreed to take him there and she get him from there but I’d like to think someone in her family would agree to pick up their son / grandson / nephew as many of you think my family should...

My parents’ relationship with SS is their business and I’m certainly not going to insist on them doing things for them. My parents are perfectly nice to him when they see him but they don’t see him as a grandson, which I’m sure some of you will think is awful but that’s the way it is. As a PP said it’s not that unusual as actually they just don’t see each other much. He also doesn’t have much of a relationship with DH family because he doesn’t see them much. We try to take him with us when we go about every three months but he tends to not want to go as he doesn’t know them well.

Think how you would feel about staying at someone’s house you barely know. You’d probably rather go back to your mother’s. I would.

In early labour with my first I very quickly figure out I didn’t want any clothes on and I liked to make noise throughout the contractions, 24 labour but I struggled for about 5 hours in I was a mess lol I don’t cope with pain very well and I would of hated anyone but my other half there.

I have heard similar things and I do think I’ve got a right to say who is there when I’m in labour. I don’t think it’s personal or about pushing anyone out as you say

Maybe I’d feel differently if he was a girl, I don’t know. But I wouldn’t want my dad or brother there. I don’t want stepson there. I wouldn’t want my mother there either when in labour (I think)

But again I’m not suggesting he doesn’t come just that DH ensures someone can take him if need be.

Thanks for the good wishes.

I have read the grumpiness might be a hormonal thing or sign or labour - been this way for about a week! 🤔

So baby might come early after all and then going into labour on a weekend we are due to have SS might not be an issue! 😃

Hi OP. I am due in mid Feb and had the exact same issue which thankfully we have resolved this weekend. We have DSS (7yo) every second weekend from Friday to Sunday and for a night every week. I'm due on 18/2 (Monday) and the weekend preceding this my DSS is due for the entire weekend. This in itself is fine as he and we have this as our routine and I don't want to disrupt it.
My DH spoke to his ex who said even if I go into labour in the middle of the night she would be at home so we could bring him back to hers. Thankfully she lives on the way to hospital and if she wasn't there for whatever reason so does her mum.
I totally understand your anxiety as its my first too and all I wanted was a plan in place even though its unlikely I will go into labour that weekend but its best everyone is on the same page and plans are important as everyone's labour is different and I didn't want poor DSS in a hospital for ages especially as he is so young. I have no relationship with his mother but we've always bought him to ours for extra days if she's had an emergency or any issue (She has two other children and one has SN) and I think thats why she has been so amenable and understanding.
I think the best thing to do is ask your DSS what he wants to do. I personally think he would be okay being at home alone for the day (I loved it at that age). Speak to DH tomorrow when your head is a bit clearer too as obviously this needs to be sorted! Maybe his mum could pick him up from yours? DH needs to get this sorted and not leave it to you!!! If you don't ask her you won't know but she does need to be involved. Let us know what happens and good luck! X

This happened to me - first labour started while DSS was staying. His DM was fine to come and pick him up (she lived 45 minutes away) even though she never normally did pick-ups or drop-offs. I would ask his DM first - she may be only too happy to help. DSS was fine with it - he knew it was a one-off, not a weekly occurrence!

Otherwise, if you really can't get anyone to drop him off, your options are he stays there and left home by himself or he gets home via public transport. I don't think I would have been that comfortable having my DSS the while I was in labour, nor do I think he would have felt very comfortable! However, if that's the way ends up being, I would get him some headphones and get him to play x-box or watch TV - whatever he would usually do.

If he ends up not being able to stay that weekend, you could always offer to have him the weekend after to make up for it.

The likelihood is you will get plenty of notice that you are in labour and be able to make appropriate arrangements.

Despite having reasonably quick active labours (3 to 10cm in 2.5 hrs DC1 and 1.5 hrs DC2) I’ve had an inkling at least 24 hours before that that things were about to start happening (losing mucus plug etc) and been able to make plans and pack bags. It’s not usually like you see on TV where your waters break and you rush to hospital immediately with intense contractions. It’s more like a grumbly backache that slowly starts to intensify as things progress and nothing that would be embarrassing for you or the 14 year old.

It’s also unlikely that even if you do get kept in your DH will be able to stay with you the whole time. Depending what time you have the baby, he will most likely be sent home overnight anyway.

Early labour lasts ages and isn’t the sort of pain where you’re yelling and screaming.

I could hear my next door neighbour at home in labour before she went into the hospital a few months ago so everyone is different!

I agree with pp, who've said that it's really sad that your DS's hasn't integrated into your Family.

"but why should I have my family on standby rather than his own mother and family do it."

You should be a joined Family, if you consider him your SS and not your Partner's Son. So it isn't 'your Family', it's your DSS's Family, as well.

Your DP should speak to him and his ex, but if she's working, then it's for your DP to come up with a solution.

It could be leave him at home until his Mum could collect him.

He drive him home.

Or your Family do it.

It's seems that your Family coming from abroad and staying with your Mum, so they can see your Newborn, has been prioritised above your DSS meeting his Sibling.

How sad.