To be fed up of how my DP wears clothes

[Foxandthehound]

I can hear how much of a twat I sound in the title, but bear with me.

He is a size 8 shoe, he does have wide feet but definitely not unusually wide. He has to wear size 12 shoes apparently, it's obvious these shoes are far too big for him. He doesnt tie his shoes, instead he tucks them in his shoes. His feet are always slipping out and they even often fall off his feet completely. He tucks his jogging bottoms into his shoes.

He's a tracksuit guy, won't ever see him in trousers or a pair of jeans. This alone doesn't bother me, it's the fact he says he has to buy them 2 sizes bigger or he won't wear them. They HANG off him. It's clear they are far too big. He also apparently can't sit down without having to pull his trousers down under his bum so he's only sitting on his boxer shorts. He does this in public and he gets quite a bit of stares.

I have bought him clothes his actual size, and he just donates them to charity or exchange them for a bigger size.

Am I being too picky/controlling and an utter twat, or am I not the only one that can see the problem with this? I haven't gone on and on to him because a) I can't force him to wear clothing true to his size and b) I do think I sound quite controlling .

People make allowances for ASD and other SEN in children but this thread has demonstrated the absolute derision and social alienation that is applied to anyone who deviates from the socially accepted norm

I agree, and this is why people with ASD are far more likely to be deeply stressed, depressed and anxious; out in society they are expected to conform, and if they do not they are stared at, mocked, reprimanded and/or simply excluded. Masking and compromising are exhausting when you have to do it all day.

I'd have to find some sort of compromise (like OP is trying to) over the too-big shoes and the pulling the back of the waistband down when sitting. She is NBU to want to make changes there, even if her DP is more comfortable doing it his way.

TheCanyon

And what size are your joggers?

I'd have to find some sort of compromise (like OP is trying to) over the too-big shoes and the pulling the back of the waistband down when sitting. She is NBU to want to make changes there, even if her DP is more comfortable doing it his way.

But surely this isn’t the OPs compromise to make? She chose to enter into relationship with someone who does all these things. It seems a bit unfair to then decide that you’re unhappy with how the person has always been and expect them to change.
It is sad that not everyone is accepting but many people would simply not be attracted to someone who wears shoes 4 sizes too big with tracksuit bottoms tucked into them and pulls their trousers down to sit down. If the person does this (for whatever reason) it’s just life that not as many people will find them attractive and they will be limited to who wants to be in a relationship with them.

Good grief YANBU. I used to refuse to go anywhere with my ex if he was dressed in clothes that were stained or ripped. All of his trousers were stained by bike oil, he constantly had food stains on his (nice, white, expensive) work shirts, and he would wear nice jumpers out to dinner that had multiple holes in. And I don’t just mean the odd snag that might have been missed, I mean holes the size of a 50 pence piece and upwards.

There’s a limit. It’s one thing to dress comfortably, it’s quite another to expose your boxers to everyone else in the room.

Clean, in good condition, and well fitting is a minimum surely? It’s not like you’re asking for haute couture.

No one's asking anyone else to be in a relationship with him. Just maybe not be quite so horrible about him, or about the OP for choosing to be in a relationship with him.

@Kittykat93

I'm sorry but those harem pants are hilarious - please don't ask him to wear those !!!!

...because he'd probably love them and never want to wear anything else.

Just when you think you've seen it all, someone shows you harem pants 🤣🤣🤣

Am I being too picky/controlling and an utter twat, or am I not the only one that can see the problem with this? I haven't gone on and on to him because a) I can't force him to wear clothing true to his size and b) I do think I sound quite controlling blush.

NO - and I'm shocked you are even asking - he is a 5' 5" 15 stone weirdo. I don't care if its because he has sensory issues (I'm beginning to wonder if there's anyone left in the country who doesn't have a MH problem from what I read on here); if he can wear proper trousers and shoes to work then he can make the effort to do the same when you go out together. Actually I would refuse to go anywhere with him if he pulls his pants down so as not to crush his balls.

Serious question : what the hell are you doing wasting your life with this weirdo?

Doubtless all the 'carebears' will tell me how heartless I am - save your breath, I don't care.

Silvery Why would you take pride in being heartless?

** If it were a sensory issue - and that much of a sensory issue - why has a chosen a job which demands he wear his trousers like a regular person?

And not an office job, where he could sit in his boxers to his heart's content?

And of course many of us are in relationships with people that evolved over time. But they evolved because the other person didn't do something so off-putting that we're now moved to get advice on how to fix it from strangers.

And not an office job, where he could sit in his boxers to his heart's content

Exactly. Or a home based job, there are many things he could have trained himself to do, he did not need to go into a public facing role, ,,,,and why does his very loose joggers crush his balls but his boxer shorts apparantly don't , logically they are closer to his skin and would logically be what crushes his balls if anything.

Over size joggers are very loose round the crotch, particularly if rhey are cut for a much taller man,

So it's not sensory, it's a choice he's making, for reasons unknown.

Oh for goodness sake, I spend all day trussed up in smart business wear and high shoes and can’t wait to get my bra off, my slippers on and my elasticated yoga pants on once I’m not at work. That doesn’t mean I’m masking ASD FFS, it means I’m masking fatness. This man is FAT.

Omg those harem pants I’m literally crying laughing.

Did you see the second pair, that I linked to? Who in their right minds would wear them? 🤣

The fact that he doesn't even do up his shoe laces, but shoves them into his shoes (how lazy can you be?) - and then tucks his joggers into his shoes seriously belies this 'sensory issues' argument.

Laces and trousers tucked into too-big shoes is more comfortable than leaving your (soft, stretchy) pants where they belong, i.e. pulled up, when you sit down?!

Does he know that many people - women included - adjust their trousers before they sit down, to make themselves more comfortable...?

We all have to put up with a little bit of discomfort, both physical and mental, from time to time. That's life. Most people have the consideration to behave appropriately in public, so that we don't infringe on others. Otherwise you'd have people farting and belching every time they needed to shift trapped wind. Oh God...

And not an office job, where he could sit in his boxers to his heart's content?

Not in any office I have ever worked in would it be deemed acceptable for anyone to sit in their boxers.

Dear Op! I am so happy for you that you have a lovely man. Admittedly he has some quirks (or maybe sensory issues / nuts and bolts in his socks) but don't we all have something others think is a little strange. It does make sense to get to the root of his issue (for you both as I am sure there are ways for you both to be more comfortable) and maybe explain how you feel about the public pulling-the-pant-down thing.
(And please don't listen to all these people who are so bloody normal and have partners who are ever so naice!)

Not in any office I have ever worked in would it be deemed acceptable for anyone to sit in their boxers.

Neither  but he could've surreptitiously gotten away with it slightly more than as a waiter.

The point remains that he's elected to work in a job that demands he remain clothed / not expose his underwear to all and sundry, so his sensory issues can't be that debilitating.

P.S. it's not 'naice' to keep your underwear under wraps when out in public. It's basic, functional level behaviour.

Wow. A lot of people have had strong reactions to this. I am ignoring those of you who have literally doubted my sanity for being with this man. He is a hands down wonderful guy. If you could all just meet him for 10 minutes then I don't doubt you will all take back your name calling! He isn't a 'weirdo' or whatever.

He doesn't pull his trousers down at work. He wears a belt while at work, with his shirt tucked in. You can't see even the teeniest bit of boxer shorts showing. He doesn't need to sit down in work. He works split shifts 7am-11am then 5pm-10pm. He doesn't have breaks when he's working. He's on his feet all the time there. He does look very smart and presentable. Looking at his trousers, you wouldn't know they're one size bigger. Same with his shoes, the comfy thick socks really pad them out.

I have addressed the issue of him pulling his trousers down recently, and we have made progress so far. He admitted it was down to his weight and the trousers being pulled up high while sat down made him very uncomfortable. He is in the process of loosing weight (he's 2 stone lighter than when he started out). He's never told me before it was down to his weight, he always said it was because of his balls. Maybe he said that out of embarrassment, idk. We've addressed the issue and there's nothing I can really do until he's at a more comfortable weight where he doesn't feel like he has to pull his trousers down for comfort. I admit that's still unusual, I don't see many larger people pulling their joggers down.

Thank you to those who put genuine, non judgemental comments.

Just for future reference OP, if you post in AIBU you are asking to be judged. It's literally there in the title. If you'd rather not be, try chat instead.

He does look very smart and presentable. Looking at his trousers, you wouldn't know they're one size bigger. Same with his shoes, the comfy thick socks really pad them out.

Seems strange you would start the thread then, to get advice.

Your first post and last post are completely different.

Or relationships.

@TheDowagerCuntess my last post was explaining how he looks at work. At home he is exactly how I described in the first post. If you've read my other comments you would see I've made compromises with him on his work clothes and convinced him to wear clothes that are not too big for him. I can't seem to win on the subject out of work

@Fairenuff thanks for the heads up, genuinely. I'm new to Mumsnet, it didn't occur to me I would receive different levels of judgement depending on where I posted.

AIBU is known as the bear pit. You have to have very thick skin to post here so you've done ok OP. As with all online chat, take what is useful and ignore the rest.

Sorry, I know it’s not the point but DP wears a size 12 and it’s a fucking nightmare finding shoes in his size, why would anyone choose to wear shoes that big if they didn’t have to? 😂

YANBU though, that would drive me mad, I wouldn’t even want to be seen in public with someone dressing like that, sorry.