To be fed up of how my DP wears clothes

[Foxandthehound]

I can hear how much of a twat I sound in the title, but bear with me.

He is a size 8 shoe, he does have wide feet but definitely not unusually wide. He has to wear size 12 shoes apparently, it's obvious these shoes are far too big for him. He doesnt tie his shoes, instead he tucks them in his shoes. His feet are always slipping out and they even often fall off his feet completely. He tucks his jogging bottoms into his shoes.

He's a tracksuit guy, won't ever see him in trousers or a pair of jeans. This alone doesn't bother me, it's the fact he says he has to buy them 2 sizes bigger or he won't wear them. They HANG off him. It's clear they are far too big. He also apparently can't sit down without having to pull his trousers down under his bum so he's only sitting on his boxer shorts. He does this in public and he gets quite a bit of stares.

I have bought him clothes his actual size, and he just donates them to charity or exchange them for a bigger size.

Am I being too picky/controlling and an utter twat, or am I not the only one that can see the problem with this? I haven't gone on and on to him because a) I can't force him to wear clothing true to his size and b) I do think I sound quite controlling .

I can hear how much of a twat I sound in the title, but bear with me. He is a size 8 shoe, he does have wide feet but definitely not unusually wide. He has to wear size 12 shoes apparently, it's obvious these shoes are far too big for him. He doesnt tie his shoes, instead he tucks them in his shoes. His feet are always slipping out and they even often fall off his feet completely. He tucks his jogging bottoms into his shoes. He's a tracksuit guy, won't ever see him in trousers or a pair of jeans. This alone doesn't bother me, it's the fact he says he has to buy them 2 sizes bigger or he won't wear them. They HANG off him. It's clear they are far too big. He also apparently can't sit down without having to pull his trousers down under his bum so he's only sitting on his boxer shorts. He does this in public and he gets quite a bit of stares. I have bought him clothes his actual size, and he just donates them to charity or exchange them for a bigger size. Am I being too picky/controlling and an utter twat, or am I not the only one that can see the problem with this? I haven't gone on and on to him because a) I can't force him to wear clothing true to his size and b) I do think I sound quite controlling .

If this is real then I wouldn't go anywhere in public with him. At all. Ever.

I feel sorry for him he absolutely has issues, none of it is normal. Struggling to find any sympathy for you op. Unless he turned like this overnight.

Also op it sounds as if he has some issues with his size by wanting to appear bigger than he is.
My dp isn't tall ( he's 5ft 7 ) but dresses to fit his height and physique.
He will occasionally wear a tracksuit for sports etc but they are nice ones and quite fitted and he suits them.
I wouldn't go anywhere with my dp if he did any of what yours does, seriously, people must take the piss a lot. I am not thick skinned enough for that.
I hope he addresses his issues before your dd starts school or he is setting her up for years of ridicule.

he's 15st and 5ft 5inch

5ft 5 is quite small for a man
Size 8 feet is also quite small for a man
15st will be very big on a small framed man.

Speaking as a previously morbidly obese person, wearing clothes "too big" is an ambiguous statement. When big, your actual clothes size is massively variable and it's reasonable that he genuinely fits into 4 different sizes - with varying amounts of tightness.

For example when I was 17st (and 5"3), I could fit into anything from Size 20 - 26. I would often just buy whichever size they had in stock. It's not unusual for a big person to gravitate towards the larger size. It's a psychological cover-all tent type clothing.

Bit this doesn't correlate to shoes.

I do understand him, being a big lad, considering that his clothes size is bigger than you feel his clothes size is. That doesn't mean he's wrong or you're wrong about his clothes size, just that a big person doesn't always have a set-in-stone clothes size.

But shoes. The only reason I can think of that he wears a 12 if he is genuinely an 8 is maybe that he feels embarrassed by having small (for a man) feet?

You are definitely not being controlling - it's not like his fashion choices aren't to your liking and you want to change him in that way.

Equally, I don't think he's deliberately being obstinate. It sounds like he has issues, whether sensory, ASD, self-conscious because of being a naturally small man but also very overweight, body-image/dysmorphic disorder.

People saying they couldn't love somebody like that are entirely within their rights to do so, but they don't know him as you do. He doesn't sound like an unpleasant person and you clearly know him and love him and genuinely want to help him.

Tactfully bringing it up yourself and gently asking him how he feels about himself, and/or maybe asking a brother/close family member/sensitive male friend to raise it with him, sounds a good idea. I don't know whether counselling might help at all? It's clearly not a standard case of 'bad dress sense and doesn't care what people think of him'.

Staying positive, reassuring him that you love him and he's a great partner and dad, but trying to encourage him to find what he'd be most comfortable and feel most confident wearing, is, I think, the way to go.

He's a good man who needs a bit of help, you love him and want to help him yourself/help him to seek the right kind of help (as appropriate and/or as works best for him). You are NOT interfering - this does need addressing, but with the right assistance, it is achievable - and you can both benefit greatly from it; it won't necessarily be a simple overnight fix, though.

Too much hard work

Too much hard work

Entirely up to you, should you find yourself in a similar situation and decide to cut and run; but it very much sounds like the OP knows him, loves him dearly and wants to help him to find a way to work through this.

Indeed it does, and it also sounds like her wanting it, her pushing for it, her organising it, her cajoling him, her being patient, her being understanding, sensitive, reassuring, yada, yada.

While he does ... what, exactly?

Decides if he even wants to change this about himself...?

yanbu. it would drive me mad. He sounds like the type who walk around with juice bottles in their back pockets. why do people do that?

I second barefoot shoes - they are loser around the toes.

If you are too controlling then so am I. That would be a complete dealbreaker for me.

In fact I'm struggling to see how I'd end up with a man who dressed like this in the first place. The pulling down of the trackies to sit down on his boxers is something a 14 year old wannabe gangsta would do. Completely ridiculous for a grown man.

Entirely up to you, should you find yourself in a similar situation and decide to cut and run; but it very much sounds like the OP knows him, loves him dearly and wants to help him to find a way to work through this

I think you're missing the point. No one suddenly finds themselves in this situation, you meet someone, you need to get to know them, fall in love with them, and the point people are making is they would struggle to get romantically and pyhisically involved from the start with someone who did these things.

When the op first met him, she did not know him well, love him dearly, but he did do these things. And she accepted them, and got with him any way. This is not a habit he developed during the relationship, he has always been like this. She's not known him any different.

Exactly, so this is two-fold.

The man has always been like this, from day dot. So it's a bit rich to be complaining about it now.

And when it comes to changing him, it appears as if all the hard work will be done by the OP. Not yer man.

So yes. She is shackled to him, and yes, it does seem like too much hard work.

At 15st and 5”5 I’d suggest this isn’t a sensory processing issue this is a weight / fat thing

He cannot be comfortable, that is VERY overweight. This is likely a habit to bourne from how uncomfortable his obesity makes him.

I’d say the weight is the underlying thing he and only he can address that

Just as an experiment, i just tried on my dh's size 11 with my size 6. Fucking hell, clown feet

It could be a multitude of things and we can't guess,

For example an extreme version of small man syndrome, he says he has to pull his trousers down as they crush his balls, is the insinuation his balls are so huge he is not like any mortal man, that he wears size twelve shoes, because he wants to think his feet really are that big. Tucking his jogging bottoms into his shoes,because they are simply too long for him, but he can't bring himself to shop for short length clothes.

Or is it a sensory issue, he really can't stand material touching him, this doesn't stack up as he manages just fine at work. So something else is going on.

For his kids sake, he needs to stop pulling his trousers down in public, and he needs to stop wearing shoes four sizes too big for him, not just because of how it appears, but also he simply couldn't run after her if required, so a safety issue,

If he can't do it for her though, then I think limiting the time he is in public with her when she is a little older is prudent, as it's simply not fair to her.

Is he hoping that Billy Smart will call in for dinner one evening and sign him up?

You say he has wide feet, why not go to such as Clarke shoes and have him measured properly so he can buy the correct fitting.
Unless of course he enjoys wearing the equivalent of flippers, after all you never know when a flash flood may occur.

As for the tracksuit bottom scenario, he wouldn't even get out of the house with me if he wore them.

He clearly has issues that need to be discussed with a psychologist.

I can understand being tied to someone after a contraceptive failure.

but I can't understand how even the first date lasted long enough to think of ever having sex with him.

He surely made a dreadful first impression

But isn't it terrifying how easily a woman can be shackled to a man well go en how both abortion and sine parenthood are legal, she isn't shackled,she's chosen to be with him

She's definitely shackled.

Who would actively choose this?

If you don't agree with abortion, you're shackled, even if just to co-parent for a minimum of 18 years.

She's chosen to be with him, yes, she'd have to co parent, but she's chosen to have sex with him and be romantically involved, even with the trouser pulling down thing, she'd been with him three months before she fell pregnant. So it wasn't even a drunken one night stand.

I'm kind of intrigued by all this 'surely ob the first date' talk from most posters, as if the only way couples ever formed was via a formalised meeting with a stranger off Plentyoffish with romance explicitly in the offing. Am I the only person whose relationships almost all grew out of friendships? situations where you take people more or less as you find them because they are kind/funny/interested in the same hobby you are/doing the same course at uni or college and frankly what is it to you if they wear daft clothes/have funny habits, it's not like you're married or anything...

And then you've know each other months/years, and you get on brilliantly, or you become housemates,and suddenly you're really close, and then one day you realise they like you or you are starting to like them 'that way'... And then a drunken snog here, or a cry on the shoulder that turns into a hand-holding there... and then you seem to be sleeping together... and then all your friends know and boom, you're a couple! And never got round to talking about the trousers thing... And the whole 'dating' thing is just something that happens to Americans in sit-coms?

It is just me and my uni mates isn't it.

I think we all know romance can bloom out of friendship, I think the point people are making is most would struggle to fancy a bloke who pulled his trousers down in public.

If all this is true, it goes beyond any disorder or quirk. He's practicality exposing himself and making other people feel uncomfortable.

If you put up with this ludicrous behaviour then more fool you.

The VERY least he should do is visit a GP or specialist with you to get this sorted, as I can't see how anyone can live like this.