To be fed up of how my DP wears clothes

[Foxandthehound]

I can hear how much of a twat I sound in the title, but bear with me.

He is a size 8 shoe, he does have wide feet but definitely not unusually wide. He has to wear size 12 shoes apparently, it's obvious these shoes are far too big for him. He doesnt tie his shoes, instead he tucks them in his shoes. His feet are always slipping out and they even often fall off his feet completely. He tucks his jogging bottoms into his shoes.

He's a tracksuit guy, won't ever see him in trousers or a pair of jeans. This alone doesn't bother me, it's the fact he says he has to buy them 2 sizes bigger or he won't wear them. They HANG off him. It's clear they are far too big. He also apparently can't sit down without having to pull his trousers down under his bum so he's only sitting on his boxer shorts. He does this in public and he gets quite a bit of stares.

I have bought him clothes his actual size, and he just donates them to charity or exchange them for a bigger size.

Am I being too picky/controlling and an utter twat, or am I not the only one that can see the problem with this? I haven't gone on and on to him because a) I can't force him to wear clothing true to his size and b) I do think I sound quite controlling .

But OP I think you're not unreasonable. I also think you have to at least have the conversation of trying to get him to admit this behaviour is abnormal. If he can do that, you can work together trying various things that might help him either feel less uncomfortable or deal better with his discomfort. Losing the weight would be a good start, and exploring more accommodating shoes etc.

However it sounds from what you say about having to 'argue' with him like he is VERY resistant to even considering there is anything odd about his clothes and behaviour, in spite of the blatantly obvious fact it is.

As someone with a partner with different issues and a total lack of insight into them, I'd warn you this may be futile. If he can't admit there is an issue, you will not solve the problem without becoming someone you don't want to be and 'managing' him via the threat of ending the relationship, and constantly acting as his 'policeman'. It's dismal.

So your options are:

(a) Don't care. His clothes, his life, his possible getting sacked/losing out on promotion for looking scruffy. It does not reflect on you or on your daughter. You have your own reasons for being with him that are nobody else's business. End of.

(b) Leave him, explaining that you don't find him attractive any more and can't live with someone so delusional they can't see their behaviour is abnormal. Try to keep him away from your daughter's parents evenings/school plays etc when she's older.

I would honestly be worried about him being attacked at some point if he carries on pulling his trousers down in public. Sooner or later he's going to do it sitting too near to someone's kid. I mean, what will happen when he goes to the school concert?

Sounds like he needs to lose weight so clothes fit him properly . I can't get on with some clothes and prefer a looser foit sometimes . I'm a bit overweight but not massively and I hate things digging in my tummy 😬... I always wear size 5 shoes although my feet are size 4 because they are more comfy . I didn't realise everyone else didn't do that 😂

I also think everyone's pearl-clutching a bit about the 'trousers down' thing. The OP is clearly not talking about him dropping his whole lower clothing and flashing the room, but just pulling the seat of his trousers down so his bum is covered by his boxers.

It's weird in an adult man no question, but I see plenty of be-stubbled youths and indeed adult hipster blokes with their belts/waistbands under their arses and their pantcovered buttocks proudly on display. It is a style choice for many, one that makes me want to hoick their waistbands up to their ears but not one I have ever noticed resulting in the ill-advised youth in question being accused of being a flasher or a paedophile.

Now I've seen his weight versus his height, I expect he just hates anything tailored or fitted because it's so uncomfortable. If he was wide, fat feet and is buying cheap shoes I guess he buys them big for extra width. It would be better to invest in decent shoes that come in wide fittings rather than stumbling around like a clown. I'm getting a picture of Manuel from Faulty Towers.

Some teens may wear their trousers low slung, but it's normally so the upper waist band is visible, seldom are the trousers pulled down to below their bums.it would make it impossible to walk if nothing else, and if they are then yes they too also look like idiots.

But this is different, he is not some teen with too low slung trousers, this is a grown man, pulling his trousers down to below his bum so he can sit on seats in his pants. In public.

So he's as wide as he is tall with his joggers tucked in to his too big shoes? I just can't imagine.

The sitting on his boxers in public must be mortifying for you.

In fact, I don't think I could put up with any of it.

So he's as wide as he is tall with his joggers tucked in to his too big shoes? I just can't imagine.

I can and it ain't pretty.

He wears shoes 4 sizes too big, why????

Dh is a 10 and can easily pull off an 11 no problem, but a 12? He'd look like flipper feet.

Tracksuit bottoms at all 2 sizes too big.

Are you married to MC Hammer?

How has it only just became a problem now op? The more you tell us the worse it sounds.
Hasn't anyone ( friend/relative ) ever said anything?
What did he wear for the wedding?

Sorry just saw you're not married.
thank god

Op just want to send you a bit of support. It's not something I have experience of but it sounds very much like sensory processing disorder and you'd expect a bit more kindness from people really. Some of these responses are awful. At the same time I can see it's hard for you because this sort of reaction must be typical. I think you need to have an honest conversation about how much you love him but how hard it is for you to feel embarrassed by the way he dresses and see if there are any more areas for compromise. Has he experimented with different fabrics and different styles/no underwear?

What I am thinking here: was he like this when you fell in love with him? Or is it a recent change? If he was like that from the beginning, did it not annoy you? did you think you could change him? If these habits are so annoying to you now, how come it didn't stop you from becoming partners? Just curiosity, you know. Things like that put me off people in the past.

I don't see many dim witted youths at kids concerts myself.

He pulls his trousers down when he sits do he doesnt crush his balls is bonkers, unless he has turkey bollocks

The fact he can manage at work, tells us, he could also manage this in his leisure time in public. He is choosing not to. It's not a sensory disorder if he can repeatedly get through the working day without doing it, otherwise he'd have to find another job or not work.

So if he can sort himself out at work he could sort himself out in public and manage not to pull his trousers down. Or wear shoes four sizes too big with his joggers tucked in.

As such, this is 100 percent a choice he is making.

The question is why is he doing it. He knows it makes the op uncomfortable, he knows he is getting stared at, he knows he can manage to not do it when he has to ie work. The op says she suspects he knows he looks ludicrous, that he can hardly walk because his feet slip out of his shoes, that even his father is asking him to stop doing it.

So why is he insisting on this behaviour.

I agree with others suggesting sensory issues and possibly some asd traits.

Has he ever been shown how to deal with the squashed balls issue by his dad or another man?

Men either “hang left” or “hang right” and a tailor will adjust the cut accordingly. Then if you take hold of the material on the thigh of the trousers on the side you hang, you can give yourself extra ball room as you sit. Have a look at other men doing this or try it out yourself and then show him how it’s done. He might benefit from getting some properly tailored trousers too.

Maybe look into the possibility of getting wide fitting shoes. As a rule of thumb German shoes are wider than uk shoes. It might be worth looking at catelogues for shoes for older people who need width for circulation, slip-on for mobility and security/non-slip for safety. He might find something that suits his needs.

The thing is it's also a choice the op is making, and has always made. I know if I was out for a meal with my husband, as much as I love him, if he pulled his trousers down and sat with his boxers on the chair, I'd have something to say on the matter, and if he didn't cover himself, I. would be aghast and leave. I would not just sit there with people staring at him, the waiting staff staring at him as he effectively sat there is his pants. And I'd struggle to walk anywhere with him as he himself struggled to shuffle along with his feet slipping out of his over size shoes.

Particularly knowing he went to work and didn't do any of this.

So I'm not sure what it says about the op that she repeatedly sits there with him like this and decided to get romantically and sexually involved. Most people couldn't.

FFS plenty of people get romantically involved with people guilty of worse crimes than this.

That's true,,,not sure it changes it though, just because there are worse out there.

I'm sorry but those harem pants are hilarious - please don't ask him to wear those !!!!

In all honestly I couldn't deal with this behaviour, no matter how lovely he is in other ways. It would just bug me too much.

The fact he can manage at work, tells us, he could also manage this in his leisure time in public

This could also be considered masking.
People with asd can expend enormous amounts of energy fitting in to a world that is alien to them.

Putting up with discomfort to hold down a job is one thing, but how much discomfort should you have to endure in your leisure time?

I think it’s to the op’s credit that she can see beyond the quirks to the person underneath.

There are more socially appropriate ways of dealing with these issues (in my pp) that might not be readily obvious to someone on the asd spectrum.

Is he a small man. My FIL always wears shoes that are too big on him and I think it's because he thinks it makes him look bigger/more "manly"

Putting up with discomfort to hold down a job is one thing, but how much discomfort should you have to endure in your leisure time

Even if it was this, he fully understands its deeply inappropriate, and upsets his partner, the impact on his child as she becomes awar, so it would be reasonable for him to extend that to public scenarios when with them, and limit it to pulling his trousers down at home or when outnin public alone.

The point is he can control it if he chooses to. That he is not of low intelligence and unable to understand why he shouldn't do it. If it's masking then it's sufficiently alright for him to do it every single day on his job, rather than quit or find something non public facing.

This thread is so depressing. People make allowances for ASD and other SEN in children but this thread has demonstrated the absolute derision and social alienation that is applied to anyone who deviates from the socially accepted norm (while doing no harm to anyone else, apart from perhaps the OP who would also likely be fine if it wasn't for everyone else's massive overreaction).