Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:
VanGoghsDog · 26/01/2019 23:16

Of course he shouldn't leave. Get to know him by chatting with him too!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 26/01/2019 23:16

Try making the effort to get to know him, seeing as it's his home that he shares with your friend!

Mulberry7373 · 26/01/2019 23:16

How rude are you !! You expect him to leave his own house because you are visiting his OH ?!! Who do you think you are ?!

Lelly0503 · 26/01/2019 23:23

Disagree with all posts above. My oh would exchange pleasantries then make himself scarce! As would I if he had friends over. Why would I feel the need to join in thier conversation! It’s not as if your banishing him, your there to see your friend not him. Why don’t u arrange to go out next time, lunch or something and that way you’ll get time just you and your friend?

ShatnersBassoon · 26/01/2019 23:25

He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc

Selfish bastard. Put your finger to your lips and shush him every time he tries to speak.

onlyk · 26/01/2019 23:26

I understand you may want some 1on1 time with your friend. However I’m guessing this bf lives with her so is important to her and you are visiting his home too so it would be a good idea to get to know him.

Also he seems to be trying to make an effort with you but by trying to exclude him from the conversation you could be coming across as rude and putting your friend in an awkward position.

If you really want 1 on 1 time suggest going out to lunch etc.

nutellalove · 26/01/2019 23:27

If I'm honest. I would agree with you, it would be a lot better for all of you (including him!) I think if he just swanned off to another room after pleasantries. However I'd never ever make that expectation known, it's his home after all. I find it strange tbh, being the third wheel. Fine if there's a group or something

peachgreen · 26/01/2019 23:27

Don't you want to get to know your friend's partner?

Original poster
getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:28

''My oh would exchange pleasantries then make himself scarce!''

yea i thought that was what most people would do unless the friend knew both of the couple.

OP posts:
BeautifulPossibilities · 26/01/2019 23:28

Oh god I hate all that, we don't socialise with people who expect that kind of teenage behaviour and all of this "MY friend" nonsense. If you are so desperate to have some alone time you need to suggest something like a "girls day out" or a "ladies spa day" or something rather than chucking him out of his own living room

LordVoldetort · 26/01/2019 23:29

If you want to see your friend by yourself then arrange to meet her out. I’m guessing she lives with this person so I don’t see why he should leave because you are there. Maybe your friend wants you to get to know her DP?

BoomTish · 26/01/2019 23:29

My friend’s husband does this and it’s 100% a control thing.

WhatToDoAboutWailmerGoneRogue · 26/01/2019 23:29

YABU. Of course he shouldn’t leave his own home just because you’re visiting!

If you’re a decent friend you’ll want to get to know your friends partner and engage with them too.

Teaandtoastie · 26/01/2019 23:30

What a weird thread- he should leave his own house because you visit? Surely that would be seen as pretty rude of him. Why don’t you want to get to know him?
If you want one to one time with your friend why don’t you invite her over or out for a drink?

twoshedsjackson · 26/01/2019 23:30

Think long term; could this BF be her DH one day? How about taking the chance to stay in her life and social circle, by getting to know a new key figure?
He "takes over the convo" - could he possibly be trying to get to know some of her friends better? He's interested in the friends his GF already has; if he doesn't know the people you're talking about, why not fill in a few details; "Oh we were in the Girl Guides together".
He's around all the time; would you rather he stomped off and ignored the fact that his GF had a social life before he was on the scene?
He's her present tense, and if all you have in common with her is your joint past tense.......

Original poster
getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:30

''Don't you want to get to know your friend's partner?''

not really i sort of know him and we are very different personalities, i am there to see my old friend, i do be polite to him but i cannt relax and have fun with her with him there.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 26/01/2019 23:40

Perhaps he thinks it would be rude to leave the room.

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2019 23:45

I remember going to see friends of mine. I was better friends with the man, but knew the woman too. I found it quite rude that she didn't sit with us even for a few minutes. I think the opposite of you: someone who leaves the room when I arrive is the one being rude.

Original poster
getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:47

''I was better friends with the man, but knew the woman too. I found it quite rude that she didn't sit with us even for a few minutes.''

thing is i don't really know him, i know him to see from living in the same area...and if he sat a few mins fine but he doesn't leave at all.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2019 23:47

"Why don’t u arrange to go out next time, lunch or something and that way you’ll get time just you and your friend?"

She might bring him along. Some couples do everything together. I have a friend who I never saw without her boyfriend and then husband until they had children and then it was either all three or just her because he'd be with the child. It's not a problem for me either way as he is also a friend by now.

viques · 26/01/2019 23:48

Ever thought that your friend begs him to stay so they are not stuck in the room alone with you? Grin

Gwenhwyfar · 26/01/2019 23:49

"As would I if he had friends over. Why would I feel the need to join in thier conversation! "

Why would you feel that you couldn't? Do you not like them or do you think people can only converse with those of the same sex? Don't you have mutual friends with your partner?

Italiangreyhound · 26/01/2019 23:49

It's quite weird he wants to stay in the room, it's odd your friend doesn't suggest him going out or you two going out.

To me it smacks of controlling behavior. Especially if he takes over the conversation.

Why not invite your friend out somewhere.

If he tags along it is a real red flag to me and I would ask her if he is stopping you seeing her alone.

I'm very surprised anyone wants to get to know their friend's boyfriend. Maybe if this really is a long term relationship then you might get to know.

onlyk "Also he seems to be trying to make an effort with you" No he doesn't he is taking over the conversation and making it about him.

"...but by trying to exclude him from the conversation you could be coming across as rude and putting your friend in an awkward position." It'snot rude for women (or men) to want to see their long term friend's without friend's partner.

IMHO it will only be making it awkward for friend if the boyfriend is a controlling bastard who wants to control his girlfriend's social life. I'd say that is a possibility, but also it is possible he doesn't understand friends sometimes want to chat without their 'other half' around.

Why not talk to your friend and ask her how she feels about not meeting you one to one.

Winterberriesonatree · 26/01/2019 23:50

I see an old workmate about once a year, when she and her DH come back to visit family nearby. The rest of the year we keep in touch via FB and email. When we worked together, I had never met her DH although we did each often talk about other half.

These days he sits in with us and joins in the chat. It has been lovely to get to know him as we all have loads in common. They are recently retired and we will also retire in the next few years. Next time they come I hope DH might be able to join us. Old friends and new ones are to be treasured at this time of life.

Original poster
getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:51

''Ever thought that your friend begs him to stay so they are not stuck in the room alone with you? grin''

she is the 1 that always insists i visit...

OP posts: