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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:
JasperKarat · 26/01/2019 23:52

The only way you get to know both parts of a couple is by talking to them! DH had always asked if he should make himself scarce as his ex told him he had to. My friends and I are a lot more laid back and him being present doesn't change the nature of the conversation. He knows my friends well enough now that he'll have a cup of tea but if he had things to do he'll excuse himself of not he'll stay and chat. We have lots of couple friends through this kind of interaction, in our home and with other friends doing the same in theirs

Original poster
getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:54

onlyk "Also he seems to be trying to make an effort with you" No he doesn't he is taking over the conversation and making it about him.

exactly, he starts boasting about things he did and i'm ike i really don't care.

OP posts:
Smotheroffive · 26/01/2019 23:59

I guess you must have got to know him better after all the visits with him there? Like PPs say, invite her out for some retail therapy and lunch or something?

I get that it's good to meet the important ppl in her life,but its also important for her to have time alone with friends, but you can't expect him to leave when you go over.

Do you get on with him?

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 00:00

X-posted, I see you haven't warmed to him at all. What does she do when he starts boasting ?

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 00:00

''Do you get on with him?''

not really, i be polite but he is just not somebody i click with.

OP posts:
Onecutefox · 27/01/2019 00:02

You need to meet up in private then?

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 00:03

Yeah, better you meet out somewhere, but presuming you've already asked to?

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2019 00:03

getawayslough

"...she is the 1 that always insists i visit..." Do you enjoy seeing her?

Have you asked her about why her boyfriend joins you?

Singlenotsingle · 27/01/2019 00:06

I had three friends over for a long weekend. My DH decided to make himself scarce. He went away in the caravan and visited a car show. Everybody happy Grin

MrsBandersnatch · 27/01/2019 00:07

I've a friend of 30+ years, she's been single for the past 20.
She works odd hours so I don't see her that often.

Throughout our friendship we've gone to each other's house, in turn, once every month or so. When she comes here my husband cooks for us while we drink wine.

In the past couple of years she's met a man and he's moved in to her place. The first time I met him was in her house, after he'd moved in,
and it was her turn to get the food and wine in.

I simply can't imagine expecting him to leave the house, or even the room, just because I'm visiting. I even asked her if she was sure he was ok with me coming over so early into him settling in. She said of course, it was about time I met him.

I've got to know him now and yes, he joins in conversations and talks about himself because I ask him questions and show an interest in the man my oldest friend has chosen to share her life with.

YABVVU. I find it a strange attitude to have.

bridgetreilly · 27/01/2019 00:08

Are you 13?

Because if you are all, in fact, grown ups, I cannot fathom this post at all.

Onecutefox · 27/01/2019 00:10

It's up to your friend really. She probably wants him to be present. She wants him to meet you andd be the part of the company.
If I meet my friends at home I make sure it's on a day when my DH is out then we can relax more.

onlyk · 27/01/2019 00:14

As previously suggest if you really want 1 on 1 time with your friend suggest meeting up for lunch (I.e. away from her home) or invite her to yours.

If he insists on coming along then yes that would be odd behaviour and I’d be concerned.

From your posts you’re not a fan of the boyfriend so going forward if I was you I would try to avoid meeting at her house as he’s likely to be there.

R3b3kah · 27/01/2019 00:18

Ffs here comes the controlling/abusive boyfriend posts Hmm

He lives there why should he leave? Maybe it’s his only day off from work and wants to relax at home. If you both want a girly chat, meet up somewhere!
You sound a bit of an arse and rather childish. Especially with the comment above when you were thinking you don’t care while he’s talking.

Boysandbuses · 27/01/2019 00:22

If a woman posted her boyfriends best mate expects her to make herself scare when he visits, the boyfriend and friend would be getting called all sorts.

You need to meet her away from the house. It's his home too. Just because some people's dps would make themseleves scare, doesn't mean others would or should.

MajesticWhine · 27/01/2019 00:23

YANBU. DH tends to say hello and then go off and do something else if I have a friend over. Unless he knows them very well.

donquixotedelamancha · 27/01/2019 00:23

Selfish bastard. Put your finger to your lips and shush him every time he tries to speak.

LMAO. Not sure the OP will realise it's sarcasm.

yea i thought that was what most people would do unless the friend knew both of the couple.

You do know both of them OP. Personally I would find it really odd (and a little rude) if a partner went upstairs and hid when I came round for a visit.

00Sassy · 27/01/2019 00:26

You don’t seem to like him much. Is there a reason for that? Is your friend unhappy?

donquixotedelamancha · 27/01/2019 00:27

To me it smacks of controlling behavior.

That seems a bit of a leap. To me it smacks of making an effort with the other half's friends.

He may dominate the conversation or it may be that OP is a little bit odd about this and doesn't want to make an effort.

AcrossthePond55 · 27/01/2019 01:00

The very last thing my DH would want to do is sit around whilst a friend and I prattle on and pass 'in jokes' back and forth.

Have you spoken to your friend about wanting some 'alone time' with her?

Clarissa111 · 27/01/2019 01:47

Ffs. His girlfriend's old friend comes to visit and he's controlling because he wants to join in? I have a friend that lives a 4 hour drive away. When she visits, my chap is here. And she met someone and bought him round. Now when they come, we a foursome. If the blokes don't understand something or someone we are talking about,, we give a quick explanation. If you don't like him, that's on you. He's obv trying to be nice and get to know you.

PentreBachCymraeg · 27/01/2019 02:08

Off with your friend to the pub you must fuck then. It's his home too.

Lelly0503 · 27/01/2019 04:44

@gwenhyfar
Why would you feel that you couldn't? Do you not like them or do you think people can only converse with those of the same sex? Don't you have mutual friends with your partner?

We do have mutual friends that we socialise and see together, but the OP is meeting an old school friend and probably just wants to catch up 1-2-1 every now and then. My oh has longtime friends and of course I know them & like them, (one is godfather to our son) and il spend time chatting etc but sometimes said friend may come to ours to watch football or something and on those occasions after a little chat il get out the way & leave them to it. As he does for me. Where in my post did I say only people of the same sex can converse 😂

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 04:48

Off with your friend to the pub you must fuck then. It's his home too.

This ^^

RLABC · 27/01/2019 05:45

OP, it really sounds like you don't like him at all and are unwilling to get to know him. It's his home too. You're an old friend of his partner's. Of course he'd want to get to know you and join in the conversation, I'd find it odd (and rude) of him if he didn't.
YABVU, either take your friend out or accept the fact that this man is part of her life and will most likely be there when you see your friend.