should he not leave when i visit?

[getawayslough]

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

Makeitrain don’t assume I don’t know what an abusive controlling relationship, I spent 2 years in one. Alcoholic, who would always steal from me, daily accusations of cheating and the 1 time I did go on a night out an hour after I got home he woke me up screaming in my face asking who I shagged, not allowed to see my friends without him thinking it’s another man.
So don’t damn well tell me I don’t know what it’s like!
All I’m saying is you can’t say someone could be controlling, just by this 1 case.

Yeah I don’t have mates who will only socialise at home with their partners’ sitting there

Fortunately all my friends have a bit more oompf than that

Well, fortunately all my friends realise that I have a dp on long term sick leave so we are relying on one salary therfore I can't afford a nice expensive social life.

I'm also fortunate that I have a very social dp as I have an open plan downstairs and no TV in the bedroom so can't really banish him to a different room when friends come over.

My friends soon caught on to what he was like, when they was round and would catch a glimpse at him giving me evils for having fun and laughing

" guess teens and early twenties single sex groups are the norm for chatting. "

At primary, we were completely segregated apart from one male friend (called a sissy at the time) who preferred to play make believe-type games with the girls than play football with the boys. From secondary onwards there was more mixing. I would say that we were all in mixed groups by sixth form and university. I don't agree at all that single sex groups are the norm in late teens and early twenties.

I have had a couple of friends in my life who can't be close friends with the opposite sex or who believe that a man and a woman having a drink must necessarily be a date, but even they are able to chat in a mixed group and count people of the opposite sex in their larger group of friends.

My Friend visits once a year. My DP will offer her drinks, busy himself a bit, then will join us. DP makes an effort to get to know my oldest friend and loves hearing new (usually embarrassing) stories about young IPut. Over a few years of these annual visits I would say that DP and my friend have built on a friendship between each other and will have a laugh with each other.
Its actually really nice. I like that he has stayed and got to know her.

I don’t see why it’s rude at all. It’s good for people to have space away from their partners for a catch up with friends. I can see why it would be weird. If it were me, my OH would say hello etc and then go out (if one of us wants to stay in with a friend then the other will go out with a friend). If for whatever reason, he or I can’t make plans then the one with plans will go out and leave the other to it. I can’t stand couples that are joined at the hip.

If the OP’s partner had his male friends around and the OP was hanging around in the same room when they’re trying to have ‘lad banter’, we’d all be saying that she needs to distance herself. But somehow the other way round is ok?

I don’t understand why the OP’s friend doesn’t suggest her other half goes out with a friend or they do instead? It’s a silly situation with a simple solution

It's his home, who are you - the queen?

"If the OP’s partner had his male friends around and the OP was hanging around in the same room when they’re trying to have ‘lad banter’, we’d all be saying that she needs to distance herself."

No, we wouldn't. I'd be asking her why she's going out with a 'man' who needs to have 'lad banter'? I personally prefer people who can have grown-up conversations.

OK @gwenhyfar seeing as you are not stopping the goading; I will bite.

Just because SOME of us have female friends that aren't friends with our partner, and HE has male friends who aren't friends with us, (and we both like to see said friends alone without our partner;) that does NOT mean that we cannot have friends of the opposite sex, or that our MEN can't have friends of the opposite sex, or that we are incapable of adult conversations!

And a few people have said 'girly chat' and 'lad banter'.. so fucking what? Get over yourself, you sound so judgemental and petty. From what you have posted on here, it sounds like YOU are the one who needs to 'grow up' my dear!

OK @gwenhwyfar seeing as you are not stopping the goading; I will bite.

Just because SOME of us have female friends that aren't friends with our partner, and HE has male friends who aren't friends with us, (and we both like to see said friends alone without our partner;) that does NOT mean that we cannot have friends of the opposite sex, or that our MEN can't have friends of the opposite sex, or that we are incapable of adult conversations!

And a few people have said 'girly chat' and 'lad banter'.. so fucking what? Get over yourself, you sound so judgemental and petty. From what you have posted on here, it sounds like YOU are the one who needs to 'grow up' my dear!

"that does NOT mean that we cannot have friends of the opposite sex"

Just that they can't be your OH's friends?

"a few people have said 'girly chat' and 'lad banter'.. so fucking what?"

Well, girls and lads aren't grown up.

"From what you have posted on here, it sounds like YOU are the one who needs to 'grow up' my dear! wink"

You sound very angry. I'm not the childish one.
And just because I disagree with you, that doesn't mean I'm 'goading'.

I'm sure that the OP has male friends as well Gwenhwyfar. It's just that she doesn't particularly want one she doesn't like that much and who interferes with their conversations hanging around when she has a rare visit with her friend. It's not that difficult to comprehend surely. Are there really people here who never see a friend alone because they are now in a couple?

"Are there really people here who never see a friend alone because they are now in a couple?"

Yes, I have a few friends who I only see/saw with their partner. The partner becomes your friend as well.
If OP doesn't like the friend's DP that's a totally different matter. Plenty of people here are saying he should leave the room just because he's a man. Otherwise why would they use phrases like 'girly chat'.

Does your friend ever visit you? Wouldn't that, or meeting at a bar or cafe, be the easiest answer?

At some point in your 20s/30s there there might still be some single sex nights out, but it's mostly mixed and people expect to become friends with both halves of a couple if they're serious (living together / getting married).

Nope, not ime. I have friends who we see as a couple and I have many friends who I get to see/do things with without their man. This seems quite normal here, among my generation 40s-50s.

Is your friend housebound OP?

If not, why are you always meeting her at her house? I don't understand.

If a bloke can have a big juicy conversation about sex relationships emotions- anything that comes up - then he is welcome to join in. Imo- most blokes don't.

Well, fortunately all my friends realise that I have a dp on long term sick leave so we are relying on one salary therfore I can't afford a nice expensive social life

That sounds really tough. For me it would be more important than ever to see my friends without my dh or their dh to confide in, offload etc. It doesn’t have to be an expensive social life.

I appreciate other couples work differently. Fortunately my friends are of a similar mind I guess.

I stopped visiting my friend at her home because of this. Her OH would sit there on his PlayStation and turn it up if we dared to talk over it. He’d refuse to enter into any conversation or answer basic questions like ‘how are you?’ But would interrupt her to correct things.

We now just meet up for a meal or drinks, much nicer.

Yes, I have a few friends who I only see/saw with their partner. The partner becomes your friend as well But why? I find this totally bizarre. So once your friend has a partner you only ever see them with the partner and vice versa? What if you don't like their partner? Does this mean that some people never have a lunch out or night out or theatre trip or weekend away without their partner?

Oh @gwenhwyfar give it a rest. Don’t we all wish we were as mature as you.

I talk a load of shit when I catch up with my friends, it’s a release from the strains of daily life, it cheers us all up and it doesn’t mean we aren’t ‘grown up’ or mature.

You seem hell bent on proving some kind of point that anyone who dares suggest they have seperate friends from thier OH automatically means we don’t have ANY conversations with members of the opposite sex. It’s weird and speaks more about you than any of us!

"You seem hell bent on proving some kind of point that anyone who dares suggest they have seperate friends from thier OH automatically means we don’t have ANY conversations with members of the opposite sex. It’s weird and speaks more about you than any of us!"

It's not me going on about girly chats is it? Whenever someone asks WHY the partner shouldn't be there, that's the explanation that's given.
OP's situation is a totally different thread, it's what to do if you don't like your friend's partner.

" So once your friend has a partner you only ever see them with the partner and vice versa?"

I'm talking of one particular friend. Luckily I liked her partner. I think that if I didn't the friendship's days would be numbered anyway. I think that's part of growing up. When your friends couple up, you either gain a friend or lose a friend. They tend to come as a package.
Maybe a bit different for a work friend or someone you know from a hobby.

Most of my friends are single like me as single people tend to have more time for each other. But apart from this one friend I mentioned, I think all my other coupled-up friends are mutual friends where I've known both for the same amount of time.

I certainly have no interest in choosing my friends just on the basis of them being female.

When your friends couple up, you either gain a friend or lose a friend. They tend to come as a package.

I’ve not found that- and I’m ‘grown up’. I’ve loads of married friends who don’t come as a package which is cool because I don’t either.

I certainly have no interest in choosing my friends just on the basis of them being female
Well I certainly have no interest in choosing my friends based on them being my friends boyfriend/girlfriend. I've been with DH over 20 years. Of course we have mutual friends and couple friends but I also have friends that are mine alone and that I quite often see without DH, and also friends that, although DH has become very close to, I will still see them alone as well as as a couple. I don't think I have any friends that are so needy that they would want to never socialise without their partners, and I'd think it dysfunctional if they did

@XiCi

I'm sure that the OP has male friends as well Gwenhwyfar. It's just that she doesn't particularly want one she doesn't like that much and who interferes with their conversations hanging around when she has a rare visit with her friend. It's not that difficult to comprehend surely. Are there really people here who never see a friend alone because they are now in a couple?

Exactly this. ^ Well said.

@Lelly0503

Oh 'gwenhwyfar' give it a rest. Don’t we all wish we were as mature as you?!'

I talk a load of shit when I catch up with my friends, it’s a release from the strains of daily life, it cheers us all up and it doesn’t mean we aren’t ‘grown up’ or mature.

You seem hell bent on proving some kind of point that anyone who dares suggest they have seperate friends from thier OH automatically means we don’t have ANY conversations with members of the opposite sex. It’s weird and speaks more about you than any of us!

Couldn't agree more. Whilst no-one would think it's OK to demand our friend's partner leaves his home whilst they're visiting them; I think most people would agree it's fairly normal to want a bit of time with just you and your friend, without their partner being there, listening to, and joining in with EVERYthing you're talking about. If this ever happened with any friend of mine, I would ask to meet in a coffee shop next, and just the two of us!

@Gwenhwyfar

I certainly have no interest in choosing my friends just on the basis of them being female.

What the actual FUCK are you on about?

Not a SINGLE poster has said that on here.

And you say you're not being goady........... ? Pull the other one!

No-one is agreeing with you on this thread. Let it go FFS.

@XiCi

I certainly have no interest in choosing my friends based on them being my friends boyfriend/girlfriend. I've been with DH over 20 years. Of course we have mutual friends and couple friends but I also have friends that are mine alone and that I quite often see without DH, and also friends that, although DH has become very close to, I will still see them alone as well as as a couple.

I don't think I have any friends that are so needy that they would want to never socialise without their partners, and I'd think it dysfunctional if they did.

This..... ^ 100%.