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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:
RLABC · 27/01/2019 05:47

Selfish bastard. Put your finger to your lips and shush him every time he tries to speak

That did make me laugh! Grin

FrequentlyIndecisive · 27/01/2019 05:55

Ever though you might be the problem?

FrequentlyIndecisive · 27/01/2019 05:55

Thought not though...

Butteredghost · 27/01/2019 06:04

Yeah OP, don't you know couples shouldn't be ever seperated even for a few minutes, how dare you.

OP I totally agree with you. It turns a fun relaxed visit in to an awkward one. But there is no nice way to bring it up. You could suggest going out but no doubt she will bring him along.

Snoozysnoozy · 27/01/2019 06:10

I fucking love mumsnet fire precisely this reason. There's always some absolute lunacy

FortunesFave · 27/01/2019 06:10

Why are you both just sitting in her house when you meet? Why don't you just ask her to meet you somewhere else? Confused

My DH got on so well with one of my best mates (a gay man) that he tried to muscle in and rob him! Butting in and all that. I now meet my mate elsewhere.

DH is welcome sometimes but not ALL the time!

Maryjoyce · 27/01/2019 06:29

Next time why don’t you ask him to run along and go and play so the adults can talk

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2019 06:39

I think you need to engineer girly outings. Pamper session maybe?

MakeItRain · 27/01/2019 06:53

I think people who are saying things like "ffs here come the people complaining he is controlling" have never come across a controlling partner who does this sort of thing. Lucky you.
My ex did this and it was absolutely about control. He would do it to the extent he would take time off work in order to be sat in the room with my visitors. Eventually my visitors stopped coming.
I'm sure in loving, happy relationships it's not uncommon for a partner to also be around when the other has visitors but maybe the OP has got a sense this is not the case. As your friend in this scenario (a long time ago now, I got out of my relationship), I would continue to visit and do as others have suggested in going somewhere just the two of you, like a coffee, a walk, or else invite her to yours.

Jojoanna · 27/01/2019 07:00

YANBU My DH usually stops for a chat then gets on with his own stuff when I have a friend round, even though he knows most of them for years . There DH do the same .I would find it weird if he joined in every conversation ,

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 07:00

@MakeItRain I hadn't considered that angle. OP have a chat out of the house with your friend?

Snoozysnoozy · 27/01/2019 07:02

If the OP had a sense he was controlling wouldn't the thread be about that. Rather that being about her own awkwardness and how she can't have some banter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/01/2019 07:06

MakeItRain
I wanted to add my voice to the potentially controlling. But will now you have posted, thanks. It’s her insistence that op goes round each time. That is unless her friend only feels safe at home, is disabled or too ill etc.

xsahm · 27/01/2019 07:18

I understand, I enjoy seeing my friends other halves but there are a few friends whose friendships would not be what they are without unconditional ability to talk about anything and everything. I don't want to do that in front of someone who is not that friend. We have someone in our group who does this, we never ever see her without her OH. Whilst he's very nice I find it very frustrating as he and I have distant connections to other people and I don't trust him not to talk about me to of them, therefore I'm cautious not to reveal anything too personal.
Try to arrange to see her personally as well then when you do go over it's less intrusive when he takes over comes to chat.

Maybe he rather likes you and is showing off??

Tiredismymiddlename85 · 27/01/2019 07:20

You're ignoring everyone advice about arranging to meet outside of the house, can't you do that? If he comes also then I think you have problems.

CantWaitToRetire · 27/01/2019 07:21

So why don't you suggest to your friend that you go out together the two of you for a coffee or lunch. Several people have asked this question but you have avoided answering it so far.

IAmWonderWoman · 27/01/2019 07:23

Arrange to go out then, as everyone else has said.

Boysandbuses · 27/01/2019 07:24

MakeItRain actually I was in a very controlling relationship. Phone checked, followed, not allowed out not allowed people round. In then became a physically violent relationship.

I still think jumping to controlling is ott.

Is very offensive to use statements that basically say 'hmm the people who don't agree can't have been abused'

Abused people do not all have the same opinion or point of view. We are not a collective group.

You are basically telling people like me that unless I think like you, I can't have been abused. That's not ok

DrWhoLovesMe · 27/01/2019 07:25

My good friends husband is now one of our group of friends due to his chatty-ness and wish to join in. He even took all the male friends of ours on his stag do. It’s something I’m envious of actually, as we live hours away from the group now, and my dh hasn’t been able to do the same.
he’s making an effort. He may not like you either, but he’s might know your friend wants him to stay.
It’s nice you still manage to keep in touch, don’t let this little thing get in the way

DrWhoLovesMe · 27/01/2019 07:26

... obv providing it isn’t dodgy, as pp have said

mindutopia · 27/01/2019 07:38

Actually when my dh has friends over he thinks it’s rude when I want to just go about my day. Some of his friends I know well enough to want to see them, but others I don’t and I just need to go do the food shopping! I think he thinks people want to be entertained when they visit. I drives me nuts because I don’t think other people care, but he feels really awkward if I’m not there pretending like I enjoy his friends are taking up space in my lounge. But really just go out, when one of us does want quality time with a friend, we just go out for dinner or coffee or a walk rather than kick the other out of the house.

anniehm · 27/01/2019 07:39

My friends partner does make himself scarce in similar circumstances but he doesn't have to (he's excellent company btw). If you want alone time with your friend you need to go out, it's his home - or arrange to go when he will be out

Funkyfunkybeat12 · 27/01/2019 07:40

Arrange to meet her somewhere else or invite her round to yours. Problem solved.

Pernickity1 · 27/01/2019 07:42

I Agree OP! Ask your friend to meet for a coffee instead?

HeronLanyon · 27/01/2019 07:43

Think it should be a mix. If he disappeared every time you visit wouldn’t you think that odd/rude? Agree fully you want some one on one time with your friend too.

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