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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 27/01/2019 13:58

I'm with you op - probably because my H does this and it's something we row about a lot.

He just comes in and takes over - and what's more annoying is that he does it even if he doesn't like the person very much!

When DH friend comes over, (whom I consider almost a brother) I make he tea, have a quick chat and then get in with my day. I do t know why my H can't do that too, but he can't.

So no advice op, only to go out with your friend.

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 17:09

Ah see thing is im a male, not a female-me and this girl have been friends since kids as we were in the same class and lived beside each other... so it is not like it is girly talk.

OP posts:
Clionba · 27/01/2019 17:22

Maybe because you're a bloke the boyfriend is trying to be friendly.

Andylion · 27/01/2019 17:27

Ah see thing is im a male, not a female

Oh, FFS, Drip feed much?

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 17:28

I find it weird that you have led/let all pps believe you are a woman.

Why wasn't it important then, but it is now? I would say there's even more reason her bf will talk with another guy/look for more in common; do you think he's jealous. I just can't think why you wouldn't have said this, as its pretty key to the dynamic between opposite sex friends for the oh.

I see thread nose-diving, like it isn't already

Clionba · 27/01/2019 17:33

He's going to drip feed that he was in a relationship with the "mate"....

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 17:35

I didn't think the gender mattered in my op until i had a look at this thread for the 1st time in hours, ive several female friends im close to. I only seen the emphasis that was put on it being girl talk in the latter part of the thread....suprised it makes a difference what gender the visitor is or so much emphasis was put on it here.

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2019 17:37

getawayslough sounds like he might be jealous of your friendship, IMHO.

the OP did not say he was a she, he just didn't say he was a he. People assumed. Including me. But that's fine. The situation is the same. His friend wants to see him, the boyfriend doesn't seem to want them to have any time together without him present and is possibly dominating the conversation and bragging.

I've got one really good male friend. My husband knows him too, and him and his wife and kids visit us a family but I meet him on a one to one basis too. I do think it is good to be able to meet an old friend without dh present.

We are all assuming that your friend lives with her boyfriend, getawayslough, is that the case and it's interesting you say bf (boyfriend) and not partner?

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 17:38

no me and her are platonic mates since childhood-that is it. Seriously not drip feeding anything, i just fail to see why my gender matter in the slightest. I only visit her at tops twice a year and live abroad so there is no threat.

OP posts:
Linlou82 · 27/01/2019 17:39

Then don’t meet at her house!

Arrange to go for dinner with just your friend but if going to her house it is his house to so he has every right to be there.

Maybe he is trying to get to know you more, maybe your friend has noticed your not keen on him and has asked him to stay and make effort?

If want alone time with your friend you need to do it not in the house she shares with someone else.

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 17:39

No, of course you didn't. Are you 12 OP? You need to stop being so naïve and grow up. Its obviously completely irrelevant. Why on earth would you be surprised, its a nest of vipers dontcha know! busting at the seams with women

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 17:40

Sorry, should have maybe said, deliberately naïve

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 27/01/2019 17:40

That sounds really tough. For me it would be more important than ever to see my friends without my dh or their dh to confide in, offload etc. It doesn’t have to be an expensive social life

I appreciate other couples work differently. Fortunately my friends are of a similar mind I guess

I think you are right, it really does depend on the couple and the situation. Me and dp were friends for a long time before we got together and a lot of our friends were the same before we got together. I only have 2 or 3 friends that I have from before I met him (been together since 21 but met at 16 and I moved around a lot before then and am shit with contact) so when people come over, they are normally coming to see both of us anyway.

I guess the situation is different for different people.

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 17:42

They live together yes....me and him are very different and yes when he talks he makes it all about him-dominates and takes over. Suprised here so many ppl here find that being 'friendly.' When my family have personal friends visit when im home i make small talk then leave them to it, i have no interest in coming in chatting to their friends or making it all about me especially when they visit once in a blue moon.

OP posts:
ShatnersBassoon · 27/01/2019 17:43

My valuable, gender neutral advice still stands, and will have disappointed you no end I'm sure.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2019 17:52

"i just fail to see why my gender matter in the slightest."

I don't think it does or should, maybe she doesn't but maybe he does. I am sure you are no threat but that doesn't mean he doesn't see you as a threat! Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't who knows.

Some people are insecure, so maybe he is. Or maybe as people are saying he is just being nice and wanting to get to know you. (I don't think this).

Smotheroffive what does busting at the seams with women mean? Are you one of the women bursting at the seems with us? Or are you a man? Either way, seems a very off complaint for a site called mumsnet!

Clionba · 27/01/2019 17:58

Perhaps - here's a thought, at the start you could have explained that you're a man. You may think that your gender is irrelevant, but it does change the picture somewhat.
You've still not explained why you don't meet up somewhere else, unless there's something else you haven't said?? Hmm

Smotheroffive · 27/01/2019 18:01

Greyhound yes, I'm one of the women swelling the ranks (or busting at the seems!) , hence my comment, certainly not complaint Grin that I would have thought was obvious to anyone posting, I.e. OP

newnameforthis7 · 27/01/2019 18:03

@getawayslough

Ah ha, I am male

Oh FFS!

drip drip drip drip drip drip drip...................... 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

I fail to see how my gender mattered in the slightest!

You are having a laugh if you think your gender was irrelevant. Of COURSE it mattered. Fucking amazing that you took til the thread was almost a DAY old, and 160 posts in to conveniently mention that! Hmm

IAmWonderWoman · 27/01/2019 20:45

Still not answering why you can’t go out.

Italiangreyhound · 27/01/2019 20:58

Smotheroffive

"Greyhound yes, I'm one of the women swelling the ranks (or busting at the seems!) , hence my comment, certainly not complaint"

Ah sorry, I thought it was a negative comment, I've never thought of anything busting at the seems as a good thing! But you live and learn. Grin

RLABC · 27/01/2019 21:26

Op, male or female doesn't really matter. Please answer as to why you don't just arrange to see your friend elsewhere. That seems to be the easiest solution.

turncloak · 27/01/2019 21:43

I would find it weird too OP. I would definitely echo the other posters who are suggesting that you meet elsewhere for your catch up.

When I have my friends visit (male OR female) DH will exchange pleasantries and then pop out and leave us to catch up. I think he would rather die than have to feign interest in us chatting about people he doesn't know and things that he isn't interested in.

Some couples feel the need to live in each others pockets, and it's a bit sad.

ItsMEhooray · 27/01/2019 21:45

', i just fail to see why my gender matter in the slightest.'

Sex not gender.

peachgreen · 27/01/2019 21:46

Some couples feel the need to live in each others pockets, and it's a bit sad.

No, I just don't make my husband leave his own house when we have guests...! If for some reason I wanted to catch up with a friend by myself, I'd arrange to meet them for coffee or drinks or something. Or if there was an urgent reason - like they were going through a trauma and wouldn't feel comfortable talking to me about it in front of DH - then of course I'd ask him to give us space (tbh I wouldn't need to ask). But just for a general social catch up, of course he'd be there. My friends are his friends and vice versa. Nothing to do with living in each other's pockets. Just... marriage.