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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:
ThatssomebadhatHarry · 27/01/2019 07:43

They mostly come out at night, mostly.

comebacksoonsusan · 27/01/2019 07:45

I agree OP, sometimes you want to chat to someone one on one. My DH gets on with all my friends but on occasion he'll go out and see his mates if I have someone round.

JenniferJareau · 27/01/2019 07:46

YANBU. He doesn't have to leave the house but giving you two some time alone when you visit is just basic common courtesy. It is not as if you are visiting them as a couple, you barely know the man. For him to purposely sit there like a bad smell and not make himself scarce at least for a little while is rude.

Ragwort · 27/01/2019 07:53

I much prefer to meet my friends on my own & my DH does the same with his friends, we do have a few ‘couple friends’ but the vast majority of our friends are from our very different hobbies/interests & although we would always say a friendly hello there is no requirement to build a new friendship BUT we would always meet outside the house or, as is happening this week, check with the other that it is OK for friends to come round and we are fortunate to have a separate reception room to use.

Thistle86 · 27/01/2019 08:00

Had this with a friend, her partner was very controlling and rarely left us alone and it came out last year he was abusing her and kids.

I hope this is not the case with your friend, but please stay close to her just in case it is.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/01/2019 08:02

If visiting, my partner, or my friends partners chat for a few mins, make drinks maybe, then go to another room or out.

I wouldnt meet your friend at her home anymore.

MakeItRain · 27/01/2019 08:11

BoysandBuses I'm sorry if I offended you. It was actually the comment "ffs" a previous poster had used that annoyed me, as if even thinking about controlling relationships is ridiculous. I guess it hit a nerve for me, because it was exactly something my ex did. I found it (mildly!) annoying that someone might think my opinion, based on my experience, wasn't worth listening to.
It's people who are rudely dismissive that I imagined wouldn't have come across controlling partners, not everyone who simply disagrees.
I have no idea whether the partner in this scenario is controlling or not, only that it is possible.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 27/01/2019 08:12

I wanted to add my voice to the potentially controlling. But will now you have posted, thanks. It’s her insistence that op goes round each time. That is unless her friend only feels safe at home, is disabled or too ill etc

Or, she is somekne who, like me, would prefer to be at home. I don't have a huge amount of spare money each month and I would prefer to cook a nice lunch and have a catch up on a comfy sofa. I also encourage my dp to get to know my old friends as I have his, he would stay and get involved in the convo too. He isn't controlling in the slightest.

Gina2012 · 27/01/2019 08:16

He could go into another room to give you and DF some 1 on 1 time.

I'm assuming that DF doesn't mind him being there , so there's not much you can do

You could always say once a month 'my treat, let's just the two of us go out for coffee and cake' ?

Claudia1980 · 27/01/2019 08:16

Yeah that’s weird. Some co-dependant couples are like that though. I personally couldn’t stand it.

Lotuslots · 27/01/2019 08:18

I understand. I would expect some hello how are you doing small talk for a while. But then he would depart for the girls to get together. . I have done this countless times. Has actually been a point of comedy with partners.
I would expect girl time. And the boys to respect that.

Original poster
getawayslough · 27/01/2019 08:31

'' I find it very frustrating as he and I have distant connections to other people and I don't trust him not to talk about me to of them, therefore I'm cautious not to reveal anything too personal. ''

This is it too- we all are from the same town and me and my mate would be chatting about people in the town etc and our mutual mates he's know and i don't trust/feel comfortable having that kind of chat with him there incase he repeated it.

OP posts:
Sarahandduck18 · 27/01/2019 08:32

He sounds controlling I’d be worried about your friend

MoreCheeseDear · 27/01/2019 08:35

You sound incredibly rude and lacking in social skills, OP.

whiteroseredrose · 27/01/2019 08:36

Not necessarily controlling maybe joined at the hip. A friend was like this. But she also brought her boyfriend everywhere too. Drove us all nuts.

Why not ask her to meet for a coffee or drink rather than at her (and his) place?

Helmetbymidnight · 27/01/2019 08:41

Yeah I don’t have mates who will only socialise at home with their partners’ sitting there.

Fortunately all my friends have a bit more oompf than that.

PixiKitKat · 27/01/2019 09:06

Start talking about periods and see if he sticks around to listen!

VanGoghsDog · 27/01/2019 09:25

Before, you said he didn't know the people you were talking about, and now he does and you're worried he'll tell them what you said.

How about you don't talk about people in a way that would be a concern if it got back to them? How about you learn to be kind?

peachgreen · 27/01/2019 09:33

This thread is so weird to me. If DH or I have a friend round, it's to see both of us, no matter whose friend it was originally. If I had a very old friend round for a long time DH would probably leave us to catch up for an hour or so at some point but he'd still be there most of the time as I would expect. I guess maybe when I was younger it was different - perhaps it's an age thing. I'd never expect to go and see friends and not spend time with their partners.

Clionba · 27/01/2019 09:36

@viques 😂 😂 😂 😂!!

RLABC · 27/01/2019 09:36

So, OP, why don't you do what's been suggested countless times and meet your friend elsewhere?

Clionba · 27/01/2019 09:37

He sounds controlling because he's sitting in his front room chatting to a visitor who comes round?

MrsBandersnatch · 27/01/2019 09:48

but sometimes said friend may come to ours to watch football or something and on those occasions after a little chat il get out the way & leave them to it

That's extenuating circumstances. I'd leave the room if there was the threat of football on the telly.

Piewife · 27/01/2019 09:54

I think YABU and I find it odd that some people jump straight to accusations of him being controlling etc.

It's his home too so why should he make himself scarce? Isn't it generally nice when someone wants to make the effort to get to know their partner's friends too? My DH wouldn't leave the room because I had a friend over and I don't think that's weird at all.

As others have said, there's always the option to meet elsewhere if you want alone time.

Cheekyandfreaky · 27/01/2019 09:54

Why can’t you arrange to meet elsewhere?

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