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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

should he not leave when i visit?

185 replies

getawayslough · 26/01/2019 23:14

i visit an old childhood friend when i go home a few times a year and her bf who i hardly know always just sits in the room, it makes it really awkward for me to have banter with my mate and relax with him there. He even takes over the convo often and starts chattingh bout himself etc when im clearly there to see her.Would it not be common courtesy to leave when a friend visits? He makes it so awkward, he doesn't know me or most of the ppl that we'd be chatting about so i don't know why he even stays in the room.

OP posts:

MRex · 27/01/2019 09:57

I think this is just an age thing, in school kids are a bit more segregated in girl / boy friendship groups. DH has adopted some of my friends and vice versa, it would be very weird for us to just ignore visitors to our own home. We see friends alone as well a bit, but if it's someone we see rarely then we'd be making an effort to be there. It's just a shame this guy's effort is disliked!

I suspect when you get older OP you'll find it more comfortable all chatting together in mixed groups, the topics change for one thing and maybe you'll be taking your own partner along too, which changes the dynamic. If you need to see your friend on your own for now then maybe just ask in advance: "hey, after lunch can we go for a walk / to the pub for some one-on-one chat?"

Eliza9917 · 27/01/2019 09:58

I think it's weird. Why does he want to sit in on a girls conversation? I'd wonder how controlling he was about other things too.

I knew someone who's partner insisted on coming out with us when it was just girls going, they invited themselves or just assumed they were coming from the beginning and it threw out the whole dynamic and was just weird that they wanted to come in the first place.

If I had a friend coming round dp would go and find something of his own to do.

Helmetbymidnight · 27/01/2019 09:58

People invite their friends over for a catch up and their husbands actually sit there the whole time?!
That’s never happened to me - maybe I am the husband repellant

Helmetbymidnight · 27/01/2019 10:00

When you say an age thing- what age are you thinking?

Villanellenovella · 27/01/2019 10:01

Yes v annoying. Just start talking about heavy periods or something. That'll get rid of him.

Clionba · 27/01/2019 10:03

One more time, @getawayslough - why not meet up somewhere else??

Boysandbuses · 27/01/2019 10:04

@MakeItRain I am not bothered whether you said it has the potential to be abusive or not.

My problem is with your assumption that women who have been abused can't possibly think anything different to you. We are not one mind, we are individuals. Not only that, you are dismissing others abuse. Was not abused bad enough, is that why my opinion shouldn't be different?

Using statements like you did is not on.

TowelNumber42 · 27/01/2019 10:10

Say it straight out to her with a bit of sugar coating. "Hey friend, why don't you come to me this time? Nice as Joe is, I'm looking forward to catching up just you and me"

PopCakes · 27/01/2019 10:13

I actually think op has a semi point. If my DH has an old friend come to stay I'll give them some time alone as having someone who (to the friend) isn't as close and doesn't share the same history changes the dynamic. That said you'd also expect the friend to want to get to know their friend's partner. So it makes sense having some time all of you together too.

colditz · 27/01/2019 10:22

You're rude.

You are visiting someone in their own home. He is trying to be polite to you despite you making no effort to include him in the conversation.

Be prepared to be dumped by your friend.

grumiosmum · 27/01/2019 10:27

Some people would think it was rude if the other person did leave the room.

If you want 1 on1 time with your friend, meet her for coffee somewhere.

JeezYouLoon · 27/01/2019 10:33

My OH would make pleasantries then scarper.

Although I had this will an ex friend. Her OH always interjected and took over the conversations even when there were about 10 women and it was clearly 'a girls night in'. He was so bloody irritating, she doted on him, although I found him boring and tedious. The friendship slid and I don't see her anymore, she still worships him and is happy, not my place to say anything so I exited stage left.

XiCi · 27/01/2019 10:35

YANBU I doubt many people would want someone they don't know gegging in when they were trying to have a catch up with their mate. It would be different if dropping in was a regular thing but a catch up a couple of times a year he should definitely be leaving you two to have some time to yourselves. I'd be arranging your meet ups in a pub/restaurant /cafe in future.

newnameforthis7 · 27/01/2019 10:37

I am torn here

On the one hand, the partner of the friend the OP is visiting is entitled to stay in his own HOME.

On the other hand, if the OP is going to see her friend, I don't understand ..................

a) why the friend doesn't suggest she and the OP pop out for a coffee for an hour or two to have a catch-up and a chat with just the two of them.

b) why he doesn't pop out or go and do something else for at least half the time the OP is there, so she can chat properly to her friend who has travelled a LONG way to see her.

I love my DH, and he gets on OK with my mates, but when they pop round to mine - if he IS in - he chats to us both for 10-15 minutes, then goes to another room or the garage or out into the garden. He doesn't want to stay with us for 2-3 hours. In fact, if it's a catch-up/girly chat between 2 female friends, I find it rather odd that any man would want to stay. And as I said, I also find it odd that the OP's friend isn't suggesting they have some time alone.

When my DH meets up with a male friend, I don't tag along, or stay in the house if they come round. I get on OK with them, but I have zero interest in being involved in their blokey conversations!

So I think the OP has a point yeah......

@getawayslough

Is your friend and her partner one of those ghastly couples who HAVE to do everything together, and refuse to meet up with people, or do ANYthing without them both there??? I know several couples like this, and I find them a bit tragic tbh!

greendale17 · 27/01/2019 10:41

People invite their friends over for a catch up and their husbands actually sit there the whole time?!
That’s never happened to me

^This. Also I find it weird he sits there the entire time. Awkward

SuziQ10 · 27/01/2019 10:45

Yeah, he should leave the two of you to it really.

When I have the occasional friend over my DH will say hello, offer her tea / coffee, sit for 5 mins and ask how they are etc and then leave us to it. He loves the opportunity to bugger off & watch telly upstairs, nap or head over to the pub to watch football.

Arrange to meet out somewhere next time if you can?

MsSquiz · 27/01/2019 10:45

Maybe he is a bit awkward and is trying to make the effort in getting to know his girlfriend's friend?

Or maybe he is talking about himself because he thinks you're rude coming into his home, barely speaking to him and making him feel awkward in his own home?

When my friends come round for a catch up, DH will often say hi, have a bit chat and then leave us to it. But at the same time, none of my friends would be so rude as to not include him in the conversation if he was in the room.

SallyWD · 27/01/2019 10:49

Easily solved. Why don't you J it at meet her outside the house? Cafe?

Gina2012 · 27/01/2019 10:49

@getawayslough

If you want to bitch or malign mutual friends and you're worried the boyfriend will gossip about what you've said - you are aware that DF could tell him everything you've said once you've gone aren't you?

So even if he's not with you both during your chats - he can still find out what you've said and pass it on

Best not to bitch

MRex · 27/01/2019 10:53

@Helmetbymidnight - hard to say as it's so gradual. I guess teens and early twenties single sex groups are the norm for chatting. At some point in your 20s/30s there there might still be some single sex nights out, but it's mostly mixed and people expect to become friends with both halves of a couple if they're serious (living together / getting married). You might have cycling and politics in common with one, taste in beer and work gossip with the other... most topics aren't really male/ female in that way.

Fairylightsandwine · 27/01/2019 10:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MRex · 27/01/2019 10:57

Thinking about it more, if I went round to my good friend's house and her DH absented himself after some pleasantries then I'd wonder if they were fighting or if he disliked me / I'd pissed him off somehow. It would at the least seem very unfriendly.

Polarbearflavour · 27/01/2019 10:59

If I have a friend to stay (we are quite remote so they always stay a night!) DH will hang around for a bit and have a cup of tea or whatever and then go out.

We will have dinner together but apart from that he finds other things to do!

XiCi · 27/01/2019 11:03

ButMRex the OP is not friends with her friends DP so it's not comparable. She has already said she doesn't particularly like him or click with him. Yes when you are part of a couple friends often become mutual friends but also there are friends that are completely separate from your DH and vice versa. It's not an age thing. You don't have to interact and socialise with every friend your partner has just because you are a couple. I imagine it's very clear to the friends DP that they would be more comfortable catching up without him. My DH certainly wouldnt impose himself in the same situation

Gwenhwyfar · 27/01/2019 11:08

" if it's a catch-up/girly chat "

Girly chat? What, do you talk about pop stars and hair bands?

"I have zero interest in being involved in their blokey conversations!"

Gym room banter?

I'm glad I'm friends with adults who can talk to both sexes. Can you really not have friends of the opposite sex newname?

Most of my socialising is done in mixed groups or even me and a man or a few men. We actually have things to talk about.

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