To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

If this is true, she is raising 3 of your siblings children? And you resent helping her? You feel that she should have more time for you?

I can't imagine having the time or energy to bring up 3 grandchildren. She needs all the help that she can get.

Did you consider taking 1 or more of the children?

Could she not drop her to you before you have to pick up your dd? You could take her wit you to pick your dd up and then the cousins could have lunch together. Would it be that bad as a one off?

It's hard without knowing the back story but I imagine your mum is rather snowed under having raised her own kids and now having to raise three of her (presumably) grandchildren. You say she should have refused to take in third DN but it's easier said than done to take in two siblings and say no to the third. The child would be separated from her siblings and raised by who? In care?

That's not to say you can't have boundaries but I would be prepared to help my mum as by the sounds of it she needs it. I don't see a problem with looking after youngest DN and doing the nursery run and making lunch for DD at the same time. Or are you worried about it turning into a constant stream of demands at inconvenient times?

So she's raised her kids, and now she's raising the grandkids because, presumably, your sibling can't? I commend her for that, and will help as much as I can. I don't understand why you can't watch your niece/nephew and and make lunch at the same time. What would have happened to the child of your mom hadn't taken him/her?

YABU. That's your daughters cousins, if (from the sound of it) your daughter is an only child that's even more reason to build that bond and have them spending time together. Surely it makes more sense to keep your time when she's in nursery free for whatever you've got her in nursery to cover and then when you're looking after a child anyway to also look after your niece.

I don't understand why you can't help her because you'll be collecting your dd. Can you not just look after them together? It's not for long.
You say she's 'dropped' it on you. Thursday is a few days away so it's not like you've been given no notice.

You sound delightful! Hope your DM has the same attitude when you need someone to look after your DD

I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them

Where would your DN live if not with their DGPs? Foster care?

They sound a bit overwhelmed, do you ever take DD round to see them? Could it be that in trying to provide a safe home for the DN that your DD has taken something of a backseat as they know they have a good home and are looked after. Have you given them a gentle reminder that thier relationship with DD needs some work?

Could you offer to take the DNs for the day so your parents are free to have some 1-1 time with your DD?

If you were willing to get stuck in and help out with these 3 children, your own dd would spend much more time with your mum and the DD would be much closer to her cousins. Win win, surely? Just think of it as one family unit.

Why bashing of the OP? Surely we don’t know the full story? Is Mum babysitting or full time caring for the the grand kids?
It would be nice is gran made time for Op’s DD too.. a couple hours a week or weekend?

Of gosh the typos! Apologies!🙈

Haha oh god jump down my throat guys... no one has ever looked after my DD, my mum was supposed to have a great relationship with my DD she planned to have her once a week for a couple of hours when the 2 older DN were at school but she took DN on so my DD doesn't have a relationship with any of her GP because none of them have the time.

My DN would of been adopted at birth by a lovely family, my sister is a drug addict.

I took DN to two hospital appointments last week and now she wants me to do this as-well, I wouldn't mind but i have 5 siblings and 5 BIL/SIL but no one ever gets asked BUT me, she also has lots of friends (that have children in DN classes) and can find time to spend with them and there DC but cant ask those people either.

@Singlenotsingle how?? At hospital appointments ? Thats the only time I see DM, taking DN to app.

Btw FUCK of Daily mail... just incase.

My DN would of been adopted at birth by a lovely family, my sister is a drug addict.

Probably not. High risk adoption with significant long-term implications. May well have been in a foster home for some time.

My DN would of been adopted at birth by a lovely family, my sister is a drug addict.

It doesn't matter how lovely the family who adopted the child would have been. It's your mother's flesh and blood. And yours. Surely you can see why she wouldn't have wanted that.

@FevertreeLight they already had a family lined up my DM so no till last minute

@steff13 of course I can see, I love my 3 DN to pieces they are great kids BUT I didn't taken them on SHE did but yet I constantly have to pick up the pieces, I even offered to watch DN every week so she could learn to drive but she constantly cancelled the lessons!! Iv done everything I could to try and make her life easier and it is just constantly thrown in my face...

And as for me spending time with DN I see them twice a week.

Oh no, on reading your update OP I'm sorry but you do sound unreasonable. That family may have been lovely, but DN is with thier siblings, why would you want to deprive them of that just so your daughter can be looked after a couple of times a week.
Your family dynamic is different to other families and I think you will just have to accept that. You'll either have to agree to look after your DN while your Mum has youe DD or your DD will just have to see her GPs with her cousins.
Yes your DN may be closer to thier GP because they live with them. But your DD has a mother who isn't a drug addict and is able to look after her.

wow, you would have rather seen the DN fostered/adopted outside of the family? Really?

My DN would of been adopted at birth by a lovely family, my sister is a drug addict.

Even if that was the case she'd have lost out on having a relationship with her siblings and would've probably eventually have found out that her siblings were kept in the family while she wasn't. You can easily see your DM felt responsible for her grandchild and wanted to take her in. She's looking after three kids she didn't choose to create and who are likely to be more work than average.

It sounds like there's a back story here perhaps you have built up resentment towards your mum. Are you the reliable sibling perhaps - the one who was always seen to be competent and should be providing the help rather than getting any?

Wow, they are your family, how would you feel if god forbid you couldn't look after your DD and she was put in foster care...... you should bloody awful to be honest.

When your mum took them on, surely you should've been behind her and been offering help?

You also sound jealous and like your DD is more important than the DNs.

When does your mum get a break OP, what was the alternative, the children go into foster care and you reset your mum having 2 hours to get her hair done

She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch

So why couldn't you just make lunch for your DD at your mum's?

To be honest, I'm a bit sceptical that for each of the two younger DNs the local authority had a lovely family lined up to adopt them at birth. As pointed out, there aren't people queuing up to adopt the children of drug addicts, and local authorities have to be very careful indeed to ensure that potential adopters know exactly what they are taking on and are ready for anything. And how do you know they were "lovely", anyway?