To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

No it's not PPs fault but a little empathy for a sad situation wouldn't go amiss, I could not want my DNs adopted for being asked to help out now and then. I mean I give DD lunch then, so why can't she give DN lunch also. It would be a good time to get the girls bonded which might lead to better behaviour at DMs.

YANBU I dunno wtf the pp are on about having a go at you here? Your DM expects you to drop everything to facilitate her hair appointment. That's not okay. She should have arranged it with beforehand for a time you were actually free and willing to help. I do not agree with pp that you should be doing more... it sounds like you do plenty and you've every right to have clear boundaries. Your DM chose to take on those children which is very kind of her but she cannot presume that she has you at hand to help whenever she feels like it because they are not your primary lookout, your own child is. Of course you should help out if you can when it's really needed... but a hair appointment is no bloody reason for OP to jump into action and mess up her own plans. Considering she has said she is free at other specific times to help u do not think she is unreasonable at all for saying no here.

OP I can completely understand that you are angry as your DD does not have a relationship with her GP due to them taking on your DN.
I do however think that maybe your parents have an awful lot on their plate currently.
They have done a good thing by taking in the 3 children to keep them as a family.
I just know I wouldn't begrudge my mum a little time for a haircut if she had taken on my brothers kids. I understand you feel like you have already done enough but I just couldn't do that.

I do think you are being unreasonable in this situation, I would be incredibly proud that they were good people and willing to take them in full time when it clearly is hard work for them, I would be round there helping and supporting my family, that way my DD gets to see her family and sees her mum being selfless.

My DN would of been adopted at birth by a lovely family
All together or just the youngest?

What was your relationship like with DM like before the kids were here?

If you see your DN at Mom's House twice a week why not just swap one of your days so she can go to her appt? I get it's only hair so isn't "important" but sounds like she doesn't get much of a break. And the kids are protective because they've been abandoned or taken from their Mom and are likely to have complex emotional issues over it. Unless they're 19 and 18 sat on her knee you're being unfair.

How often do you suggest you all go out to linchtor the park?

You're cold hearted as fuck! Your mum took in her grandchildren so they can stay with family. You can say no to helping out but those kids need your mum more than yours at the moment.

This is obviously a really difficult family situation OP, but I do think expecting your DD to be treated the same as your DNs by your mother, in circumstances where you DNs are being raised by your mother is unrealistic.

She has a level of responsibility for your DNs that she just doesn't have for your DD. I know you feel that that was her choice, but I think most people would regard her giving her DNs a home a selfless thing to have done.

@Nothisispatrick I am lovely I raised my first DN at 12 years old with my DM, I raised my second DN from 18, sat in a hospital for 3 days whilst my drug addict sister was dragged to the OR for a c section because she wanted to go for a fag!! I did EVERYTHING even once I moved out at 19....

So excuse me if iv had about enough, Iv never had a childhood because of what my sister chose to do, its ok you all saying 'id do this and that if it was me' imagine holding you poor DN whilst a nurse stabs him 5 times to try and test his blood for Hep C or sitting in a hospital every day for 4 weeks whilst your DN is weened of from heroin and see what your mental state is like and see how much you want to help.

Ahhh what a difficult situstion. Wow to your mum what an amazing lady. I can see how you feel your missing out on a more traditional set up with your mum as granma. I don’t blame the DN of being jealous of DD, I presume there all young-my daughter does the same to me and the DN probably need even more reassurance,

I think sadly you have to accept that because your DM is so busy with DN it’s going to be a long time till you have a traditional relationship. Try not to resent it though, even though I get why you must be sad you don’t have that.

@RCohle No, totally wrong SHE is there mum, she is my DD's nanna, I don't want her to give my DD constant attention like the kids need from her, a text asking how she is once a week or arranging to come and see her once a month would be just fine, or even just to FaceTime her would be great.

Drip drip drip always really helpful!

AIBU the vast majority say yes ......... so a massive I'm lovely drip .... so how old are all these DNs?

I understand HJWT. Of all the people who could potentially help out, only you are ever asked. You say you have five siblings, one being a DSis who is NC with your mum. I take it the other four siblings are brothers? Because men are never asked are they...

And you, as a woman, are expected to drop all your own responsibilities to help.

Some posters seem convinced that it's only two hospital appointments and your mother's hair appointment that you are being asked to help with - I get the impression that actually, these requests are the latest in a long line of demands. The straw that broke the camel's back, if you like.

Does your mother have a DP/DH at home at all? Also, how old is she? Sorry if I have missed this.

Those are the nieces of 5 or 6 siblings and potential partners. Jobs are irrelevant. They should all be pitching in.

Did you mean that? "Jobs are irrelevant." I don't think most people feel jobs are irrelevant. A necessity in order to support themselves would be mist peoples take in it.

I am not saying the other siblings shouldn't help where they can, but there could be many reasons why OP seems the obvious one to ask first. Proximity could be one reason. And yes if the others go out to work during the day.

I think OP is getting a rough ride, this does not sound like a simple situation at all.

So the father of the DNs is a junkie, where is your father? Can he help?

@Charlie97 wouldnt be a drip feed if people just answered the original question be a total different story If i just said she wanted me to watch her son.

"I think OP is getting a rough ride, this does not sound like a simple situation at all."

I agree. It would have been better if the background had been made clear in the OP. This whole thing is a mess.

It is a really tough situation, OP. And it sounds like you do help out where you can, like with taking DN to hospital appointments. You don't sound coldhearted to me, you sound drained by the whole situation. I'm sure you love your nieces/nephews.

I have a family member who sounds like yours. And if yours is anything like mine, babies will keep coming regardless of the anyone's ability to cope. There comes a time where it might not be in the baby's/child's best interests to be placed with family. I know that's where we currently are.

I can understands your point of view. At the end of the day yournsister chose drugs over her children. Your mother probably felt guilted into taking on the children. However, this does not mean that you have to be at your mother's beck and call. If you had sat down as a family when your sister couldn't mind her kids, and you agreed that you would wholeheartedly help out and help be a parent figure to the kids, then fair enough. But I gather you did not agree to this. Stick to your guns. Help out if and when you can/want but otherwise it's really up to your mother to raise the kids as she chose to take on that role. She should have checked with you before making her hair appointment in this instance.

@FuckOffMeadowSoprano yes both Junkies, my dad lives with them they are his step grandchildren, he helps out as much as possible but he works

@GruciusMalfoy what's the issue with feeding
DN and DD together?

@GruciusMalfoy that shouldn't have been tagged for you..... apologies

Exactly klopptimist. It's one thing to be nice and help out occasionally. it's quite another to be expected to help shoulder a responsibility constantly that wasnt created by you, at the expense of your own life. I'm not surprised the op sounds resentful.

@Charlie97 there isn't an issue the whole point of me saying that was the fact of she could of made the appointment for between 9-12 so I could watch DN and then take DD home for her lunch like I do every other time.

You sound incredibly selfish. You would rather your youngest niece be separated from her sisters? It's your mum that needs help not you. You can give dinner anywhere to your daughter. God help if you daughter ended up in care and your mum didn't step up to take her in!

So how old are the older ones?
Assuming you had your daughter at 20 at youngest so your now 23 and your first niece was born when you were 12 she's now 11 and the other one is 6?

So yes, too old to get away with being spiteful to their cousin.

Thing is it sounds like your Mum is doing her best, she's raised her own (4+ children) and now she's got your sisters. She's trying to keep them together and emotionally and physically doesn't have anything spare.

Was there a family for all three girls or just the baby? I can understand your Mum not wanting to abandon one even if she has been raising one child or another for nearly 30 years

There isn't really an issue there, but perhaps it's the straw that broke the camel's back. I think there's an issue where the primary carer takes on more and more kids and expects everyone else also to take on extra responsibility. I see it from the primary carer's perspective in that I chose to take on DN, and they are treated as my own. I don't expect anyone else to pitch in, and wouldn't make appts without checking babysitters were available first.