To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

People in those threads are always told they chose to have the kids they are their responsibility. Just like this lady chose to take on three children hence them being her responsibility. And just like in all the other babysitting/help of grandparents threads people say 'yes help is nice if offered but not to be expected'
Yet the OP has been absolutely annihilated for not wanting to put herself out once again

I think people are harsh.

You didn't choose to have a drug addict dsis.
You help your mum by cleaning and taking the kids to appointments.
You wish that your mum could hang out with you and your dd and do normal fun stuff rather than practical stuff like hospital appointments for nieces/nephews.
You feel it's unfair that your siblings aren't also pitching in,
You feel like your help is taken for granted. You want to spend quality time with your dd after her nursery session rather than babysit so your mum can have her hair done, she lives 40 minutes away and won't drive so that's 80 minutes driving plus 2 hours babysitting for the appointment. She knows that you'd prefer to babysit while dd is at nursery in the am and didn't even check before booking.

I understand why people jumped on the "dn could have gone to a nice family" bit because it's heartbreaking to think about 1 out of 3 siblings being adopted. I suspect you meant that if the adoption had gone through then your mum would be coping better and need less of your help but it could be interpreted as you wish dn had been adopted which is obviously really sad.

If you can't do the babysitting then you can't do it. If your mum's hairdresser can't do a morning appointment in the near future then she should change to a hairdresser who does have availability in the am.

Im not surprised you've finally burst into rant with it all.

You've sacrificed your childhood (which your parents should have protected you from) to play pseudomum to one child, then two. Seeing your drug addicted nieces, worrying if they will die is for adults not kids.
You've been pushed aside then and taken your deadbeat sister's role as another parent.
You've had no support as your other siblings have had enough of your parents taking on too much and pushing them and theirs aside.
Instead of a rallied round family there is resentment because this has happened again again, same bad decisions made to push their children aside rather then work together.
And yet they've done it again.

Could they cope if you cut off all your support? Doesn't sound like it. They rely on you which isn't healthy or fair. It is not fair for a dc to take on their parents other dc (which dns now are) and support them at the detriment to their own mental health.

You have your own family now and quite rightly want them put first yourself, yet your dp keep dragging you back in taking time away.
You were pushed aside for first your sister's dramas and then her poor dc. Obviously it's not the dc fault but it must hurt to see your dd treated as unimportant as you were as a child and likely are as an adult.

What do they plan to do when your sister has a 4th, 5th, 6th? She's not going to stop if she doesn't want to. What will they do then?

"@SleepingStandingUp i was heavily pregnant at the time when SS asked me to take the baby!! And they don't give you ANYTHING no money just expect you to run run run and take the DC to contact with 2 drug addict parents"

Hmm i wonder how many voted for this.............................................

www.theguardian.com/society/2018/apr/08/kinship-carers-left-poor-and-homeless-by-welfare-reforms

I think you've missed out on a lot in life.from when the kids moved in with you you became part arer and lost part of your mum.this must have been really hard.and you can (rightly so)hear the resentment you've gotten from this.
I also think this must then cloud you feeling toward the dn and rest of your family.the jealousy too of them now having your mum as their own.but that's not your fault.wed all feel that if in your situation Im sure.
equally as much as it isn't your fault its not your dn or mums either.i do think what she did was saintly.perhaps the toughest decision she will ever have to make.and was it right or wrong.could she ever really manage properly?i don't know.wth ill family or family going through shit ometmies we step up just knowing we have to because we love them and this often bypasses how hard its going to be.and then you have to just keep on going.
your sister too must be really poorly.and a cycle of shit and pain must have almost continued her habit after her first born was taken.again this isn't your fault though.
I don't think anyone is doing wrong or bad things to ecohter here on purpose.its just a really fucked up and tiring situation to be put into for all of you.
and for you like other young carers it must feel horrible.
but you are where you are.so what can you do from here?
the past hurts.and haunts us often but you've got to plan forward.how can you make it work for you all.
try sitting with your mum.perhaps after her hair do she could bring lunch for you all.or could you meet somewhere for lunch.
could she come over for tea or to stay sometimes.even if she has to bring the kids.its just slotting in what you can and forgetting the shit that you can.
could you organise an activity for the dn and you to do together another day.so your taking times out to get to know eacohter on different levels?
would it ever be possible to let your mum know of the hurt you've carried now and over the years?you both might need to unravel a bit to eachother.

Charlie97 I would call you what I really think you are for your conduct on this thread keep arguing like a dog with a bone and kicking the OP some more but I'm pretty sure I'm between this thread you are sat in your crappy house in your crappy relationship drinking away your sadness so I will just offer you my pity right now

Neither of my homes are crappy, nor is my long marriage poor and neither was I drinking last night.....none of which had any relevance to this thread! Based on the inability to post a coherent post, I wonder about your alcohol intake but that's not mine to question.

I actually speak with a large amount of experience and I would never consider not helping a sibling, parent etc in a truly awful situation out. I would never consider a child in my family be separated from their siblings and adopted until every avenue was completely closed, not for inconvenience sake.

The thing is if the OP insisted on the third child being adopted away from the family, I believe that the relationship with her DM would've suffered terribly and probably broken anyway.

I could go into how I have experience but your attack deserves no explanation, your making things up about my home and relationship is just bizarre!

It is not a truly awful situation though Charlie97 it is an inconvenient hairdresser appointment! OP is there for the truly awful stuff, she just doesn't want to do 2 hours and 40 minutes driving to pick her DN up, come back for her DD then go back to drop her DN off. A hairdresser appointment can be made on a different day, around here you can even go on the weekend when presumably the Df could look after DN.

OP I think that you need some boundaries otherwise your DD will have the same experience as you with having to run around after your sister's DC as you have done. When Dd starts school you will need to be there for drop offs and pick ups. Your DM needs a proper schedule of who (ideally more than just you) she can call on and when. You are not selfish, you are helping loads already but your DD needs her childhood protected too.

@shouldwestayorshouldwego the truly awful bit was about having the third DN adopted . Which ultimately DM couldn't go through with, despite a "lovely" family having been found. I understand that,

I believe the hairdressers is a red herring and I think that is clear from OPs updates.

Ignore the negative posters on here, so people are so harsh when they're being keyboard warriors! Just do what you can that fits in with your life. If you can't do something then just say so and don't think any more about it.

Your mom is being unreasonable, it’s just a hairdresser appointment. She should not rely on you for ordinary day-to-day tasks.

Op in case you're still reading I just wanted to say that you are not selfish, bitter or a brat. You are allowed to feel sad, resentful, let down and hard done by. It's ok to sit with those feelings sometimes. Your mum is also allowed to feel sad and resentful sometimes. None of the people involved have the relationship they should have: your daughter and nieces don't get to have grandparents who do normal grandparent things. You don't get to have the relationship you want with your mother, and she may well feel the same. You've lost your sister and the kids their mum. You don't get to be an auntie in the way you'd like. This is all shit and none of it is your fault. You are allowed to be upset and need to rant. I would too.

It sounds like no matter what your feelings are, your actions are that of a terrific aunt and the kids are lucky to have you. It's okay to say that this isn't the way you want life to work without that making you an awful person and you don't deserve to be vilified by strangers on the Internet. Be kind to yourself op

I would never consider a child in my family be separated from their siblings and adopted until every avenue was completely closed, not for inconvenience sake.

Bully for you. What about when the sister has other children? Is the sainting ageing mother going to keep taking them in? There has to be w line drawn somewhere surely. Just because you think you’re somehow morally better than the OP doesn’t mean you are, or that what she alluded to about the kids potentially being adopted being better all round isn’t true. She didn’t ask for any of this situation and it’s not her responsibility, albeit she already does plenty to help out.

Your mum should have asked when you are free before booking the appointment, she is being unreasonable. Set a clear boundary and tell her when you are free so she can rearrange.

Thanks to everyone who has commented kindly.

I will speak to my DM on Tuesday when I go round.

OP, you're not being unreasonable, it sounds as though you have done a huge amount for your first 2 DN's, and have quite rightly said 'that's it, no more' to your DM who completely ignored you and has assumed you will do the same for the 3rd DN. but what about the 4th or the 5th??! Because it sounds like your drug addict DSis could easily have more kids. When are you 'allowed' to say 'enough'!

My friend's first adopted child was removed from drug addicted parents at 10 months, fostered and then adopted by him and his DW.

Six months later thay got a call from SS to meet - there was another child on the way that would be removed at birth. Would they consider adopting to keep the siblings together? They did and guess what happened? 18 months after that they adopted sibling number three.

They have asked SS to take them off the table for any future siblings. They said 'enough' and so can you.

It's not your job to pick up the pieces for your sister for the rest of your life.

You sound like a very jealous and selfish person based on what information you have provided here. Life is shit! Shit happens in life where we find we need our parents to look after our children for one reason or another. I only hope that your parents would be more understanding than you sound.

If my mother was looking after my Nieces because my sibling couldn't look after them, I'd do everything to suppor her. And fot goodness sake I'd do my part in fostering a relationship between my own children and their grandparents. If you used the time you're complaining on here to go over with your daughter to see your nieces and help your mum, then they would all have a relationship. I think it's commendable what you're mother has done for those kids regardless of what their mother has done. It's not their fault they've got such selfish people for relatives. Grandma sounds like a a nice change.

@cera I think you completely missed the point of there are 4 other aunts and uncles who are not stepping up!

Give the OP a break another persons life choices can’t become her responsibility alone.

Sometimes have to look after yourself and be abit selfish.

I think the focus needs to be on ALL members of the family helping not just the OP who has her own commitments and life to lead.

Give her a break she has already explained she helps out a lot it’s just this one time she can’t accommodate and suddenly is selfish and mean!

The OP is resentful, she has every right to feel resentful. What she wants is for her mum to be a mum and grandmother. Not to feel like a constant carer to her mum and DN’s.

The dynamic of their relationship changed when OP was very young, when OP started looking after her sisters children, while still a child herself.

There needs to be a balance of maintaining relationships and supporting DN’s and mum.

This sounds horrific, you've been given a role you've never signed up for. Time to step back. Your mum took on those kids, not you. Can she get respite care?

Also, what's so bad about the baby being adopted? OPs suggestion of adoption sounds to me like it's in the best interests of the child and not this hippy dip "family have to stick together" despite her mum not being able to cope - which she clearly can't.

It does sound like a hard situation, and it sounds like you’re already doing a lot. But surely you can see that comments like:

iv just had enough of my DM take take take and no give give give.

Are going to make people think you’re pretty selfish, given the circumstances of what you DM is doing??

Yes, but her mom is giving to the grandchildren whilst taking from her daughter in order to do so, since said daughter was a child. She’s not selfish imo, but exhausted by the dynamic.

Its not selfish. The parents are being unrealistic and unfair to their children and grandchildren but taking from their family all the time. They can't cope with the children they already had yet they took on another to everyone elses detriment.

So what happens when babies 4, 5 and 6 come along?

Ok, you and the rest of your siblings are not coming across well at all your daughter has parents who love and will be able to give her everything she needs to develop.

You do realise that the care system is in major crisis and the life chances for children in care are very reduced. Your mother is doing what she thinks is the best for those 3 children to be able to have a normal life.

Those 3 children are going to have to come to terms with the fact that their parents loved drugs more than them.
Also their Aunty disowned them by going no contact with their grandmother. It’s these 3 children my heart bleeds for!!

You need a family meeting with your parents and all of your siblings to lay some ground rules down over what each of you is prepared to do. For example can your 4 brothers not spend a couple of hours a week with the kids and maybe do homework, go to the park, cinema or shopping.

I find it very difficult to understand how 3 children can not be assimilated into a loving family when there are 6 siblings.

However I think you do need to tell your mom to contact social services and say no more. Unfortunately your mom is not able to care for any more of her daughters children.

Then please just concentrate on giving these 3 children the very best of a loving childhood.

Yes but maybe you need to take some of the other feedback you’ve had on board too.