Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to my mum (babysitting)

238 replies

HJWT · 26/01/2019 17:17

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 26/01/2019 17:49

It sounds like you would have preferred for your niece to be adopted and you possibly never seeing her again rather than having to help your mum. I’m not judging but I do think that it’s quite an extreme way to feel. Adoption even with a lovely family is difficult for a child to grow up with and for her to have found out her sisters stayed in the birth family she would have felt a lot of rejection and it would have been a loss for your nieces to know their sister was out there with another family.
If you can’t do it then say no and your mum will have to find a way around it such as a paid babysitter; if you think of it like a sibling or friend with their own children asking then you’d just say no when it got too much.

Pinkbells · 26/01/2019 17:51

I think your mum is doing an amazing thing, and has kept the little family together rather than have them farmed out to strangers. If it were me I would do what I could to help. It sounds like she deserves a bit of pampering at the hairdresser. Sorry!

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 17:51

And whinging that she went back on two hours free childcare.....you should've been saying, mum dint worry I'm half your age, got on DC and loads more time and energy than you. Let me have the DN for a couple of hours.
you've got ONE child and need two hours, what about your DM with a clearly unwell child needing hospital appointments and two others to look after, she must need time?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/01/2019 17:51

I think there's more going on here than just OP not wanting to watch her DN for a few hours ... it sounds like a shitshow all round, and only OP is expected to jump when asked to jump, even though she has children of her own that no one in the family appears to take any interest in and 5 other functioning siblings who are never asked/offer to help. And in spite of all that, she still takes on the DNs twice a week.

It does sound like your mother expects you to cover her when she has other things going on, yet never makes time for you or your own children. And doesn't expect anyone else in the extended family to throw in either. That really sucks, and I don't blame you for being upset.

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 17:53

@AWishForWingsThatWork she doesn't have children, she has one child.

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 17:55

@AWishForWingsThatWork and she went with her DM to appointments, not solely in charge. It may be that the other siblings work and can't do the appointments easily?

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/01/2019 17:57

And that is how parents, primarily women, end up by default the carers, babysitters, runners for everyone because their time is looked upon as everyone else's.

Those are the nieces of 5 or 6 siblings and potential partners. Jobs are irrelevant. They should all be pitching in.

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 17:58

Maybe they are in the evening and weekends? OP has not mentioned any evening or weekend duties?

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 18:00

And that is how parents, primarily women, end up by default the carers, babysitters, runners for everyone because their time is looked upon as everyone else's.

Like OPs DM? Hats off to her, for caring.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/01/2019 18:01

What she said was it was always her that was asked, not the siblings.

I'm not saying she shouldn't help if she can. Her nieces need all the love and stability they can get from extended family. But she didn't take them on herself, and she has a right to be upset that her mother assumes that she'll just have them when she can't.

Ladyoftheloch · 26/01/2019 18:03

Your mum has done a wonderful and heroic thing, looking after your nieces so they can grow up in their family. I couldn’t begrudge her the odd favour, especially when it’s a small one that doesn’t really inconvenience you that much.

Families look out for each other.

AWishForWingsThatWork · 26/01/2019 18:03

Yes, well done to grandma for caring. But maybe, ultimately, it's the wrong decision for those children if she can't cope and the rest of the family has too much going on in their own lives to be that supportive.

I've seen it work well in families where the children thrived. INcluding our extended family. And I've seen it not work well in families, and the children would have been better off elsewhere. Every situation is different.

Ghanagirl · 26/01/2019 18:03

I’m trying to be sympathetic OP.
How old is your mum?

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 18:03

Oh yeah, she can't because she's giving DD lunch.....Hmm

Geminijes · 26/01/2019 18:03

Let's all gang up on the OP. for not being willing to look after her drug addict sister's children.
Shame, no one has mentioned the fact that a drug addict shouldn't keep having children and expecting her family to raise them.

OP, I understand you. You have your own family and would like your child to have a relationship with your Mum but feel that all your Mum's energy and effort goes into raising your sister's children. Your Mum only seems to contact you/visit when she wants your help. I don't blame you for feeling resentful.

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 18:06

OP is not saying it's everyday, it's a couple of hospital appointments and a hair appointment (probably much needed), this does not seem over burdensome or a reason to have the children adopted.

Charlie97 · 26/01/2019 18:07

@Geminijes I think that goes without saying, but that's not the children's fault? They are here now.

LoniceraJaponica · 26/01/2019 18:07

Do you never visit your mum with your DD so she can have a realtionship with her and her cousins?

Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 18:08

One of my DS has wiped her hands of my DM as she never bothered with her DC, so she obvs wont help, my SIL doesn't work but has a toddler etc the usual stuff

People are taking it way to far, its not that I DONT want my DN to be with my mum, its that I WANT to have a relationship with my DM and My DN that is 'HJWT can you watch DN or Can you take DN to this app'

I want HJWT lets take DD and DN out for lunch, lets go to soft play, how about I get the bus to you for a change ??? But it isn't that, when I take DD round no one actually sits and plays with her and when DD does try and interact with her GP the other kids get jealous and sit in DM knee so she cant do anything...

And when I said my DM was meant to have DD it wasn't about her 'babysitting' It was about her having a nanna granddaughter relationship that she has never been allowed with her other GC!!

OP posts:
Geminijes · 26/01/2019 18:09

8@Charlie97* but that's not the children's fault? They are here now.

Equally, it's not the OP's fault.

FuckOffMeadowSoprano · 26/01/2019 18:09

Where are all of the fathers in this story?

Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 18:10

@Geminijes Thank you 😭😭😭

OP posts:
Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 18:10

@FuckOffMeadowSoprano both drug addicts.

OP posts:
Original poster
HJWT · 26/01/2019 18:11

I've seen it work well in families where the children thrived. INcluding our extended family. And I've seen it not work well in families, and the children would have been better off elsewhere. Every situation is different.

This....

OP posts:
Nothisispatrick · 26/01/2019 18:11

You sound lovely op... Hmm

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.