To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

Maldives she has had no say in any of this nor choice
Why the hell is the onus on her to give the kids a good life?

I can understand where you're coming from OP, sure it's a brilliant and selfless thing your mum has done for the three DN but you're allowed to resent the impact that's had on yours and your DDs relationship with her. You're only human and your DD matters too. The only selfish one here is the DNs birth parents who should have sorted their lives out the first time or at the very least ensured they prevented subsequently pregnancies.

It sounds like you've done alot for your family already from a young age.

Put yourself and your DD first because you're the only one who can / will

I never said it was it’s the families collective responsibility because these children are her family.

After reading the thread it seems to me that these 3 children would be better off in care, with a view to adoption, depending on their ages. They have a grandmother (who has taken them on) who, according to OP cannot do her own shopping and relies on others to help her with life's basics, OP who resents her mothers efforts and energy going to the 3 children, who have no fit parents, through no fault of their own and OP's siblings who couldn't care less what happens to them. This scenario will not provide the stability and caring environment that children need to grow.

The best thing OP can do for her DN's is to have a meeting with SS and relay the true circumstances these children are growing up in, so that they can be placed with carers who are able to support the ever growing, and demanding, needs of children until they reach adulthood.

I hope those children are provided with better care than they are currently receiving. They deserve much more. Sometimes family is not always the best choice.

No Maldvives it isn't the families collective responsibility they had no say in this at all

YABU.

Yanbu. At all.

Also their Aunty disowned them by going no contact with their grandmother. It’s these 3 children my heart bleeds for!!

Oh stop with the melodrama. Where did she say she was going NC?

If we were talking about an elderly relative would you still give the same response.?

“One of my DS has wiped her hands of my DM as she never bothered with her DC, so she obvs wont help,”

This is a family where the op has 5 other siblings, 4 siblings if you take the children’s drug addicted mother out of the equation.

There are plenty of people in this family to spread the load of the care of these children.

Here of the outcomes for children who’ve been through the care system. Just in case you still think I’m being melodramatic

www.kcl.ac.uk/sspp/policy-institute/scwru/events/2017/10oct17-driscoll-slides.pdf

Maldives Children in care have poor outcomes - because of their experiences before they came into care, not because of. Think about it.... if a child entered the care system at 12 years old, his life experiences are dependent on what he's learned in the past 12 years. That's very different from a baby entering care at 1 month old, knowing nothing.

Why are people so dim? 🤷‍♀️ Do people really rely on Google "facts" that are most favourable to their uneducated thinking?

I know all about the outcomes for children in care working with them myself

Poor outcomes often due to the circumstances leading up to them ending up in care. Also placing these children with an older woman who seems unable to meet their basic needs won't help those outcomes. If however they were adopted into a family who were clued up about what was expected and were able to do so they would have much better outcomes

The op has her own child and life and at no point signed up to being a carer for her sisters children which were made with zero thought to their 'outcomes' at any point just a totally selfish and immature realisation that someone else will as usual deal with them