To say no to my mum (babysitting)

[HJWT]

My DM is raising my 3 DN, she has dropped it on me that she has an app on Thursday to have her hair done and can I watch the youngest for 2 hours. She would be back around 1.45 but my DD finishes nursery at 12 and this is when I go home and make her lunch, I told her last week after being asked to take her to 2 of DN app that I am not here to look after DN as i have my own DD but I am more than happy if she needs me to take her shopping/clean up etc during DD's nursery hours then I will do so.... AIBU to say no? As harsh as it sounds, I told her not to take on the last DN as I will not be helping with them and I have done MORE than enough up to this point as it is ... I am so fed up of the only reason me needing to go round is to do something. when I asked why she didn't at least think to book the app between DD's nursery hours she said 'its all the hairdresser had' Im really fed up of it all now, my DD has no relationship with any of her grandparents, none of them bother to come and see her and I just feel like telling them all to piss of, why should I look after my DN when she cant even make an effort to come and see my DD??

Ahhh OP YABU to have started the thread with that post and not given the backstory with it.

I know where you are coming from. Both sets of my kids grandparents are raising grandkids and I sooooo get where you are coming from with the anger and resentment. And sorry to PPs but if you've not watched your mother/MIL shower your neices and nephews with love and attention but not even have time for a quick visit with your own child, then you have no idea how this OP feels. It's selfish to be so heartbroken by it but it's basically that your own kids have no grandparents yet your neices/nephews have loving grandparents who spoil them rotten. In our cause they actually have been spoilt to the point of no manners, manipulative behaviour, aggression and bullying towards our parents.

Your Mother has done something which is lovely in theory but the reality is often much more difficult and deeply impacts relationships within the family with lots of resentment brewing if some of the grandkids are seen as a chore to visit. It's sad for your DD but it looks like you will just have to accept that this is how it is and decide how you want to go forward with that in mind. It's unfair of your mother to expect you to do so much as I'm sure this wasn't your decision and you sound like you've done so much up til now.

@Charlie97 honestly ? Yes, my DD will go to my SIL if anything happens, my DM cant cope with the 3 she has hence why I told her it wasn't a good idea to take the 3rd.

So why doesn’t you sister offer to do it?

Actually I don't think that you are being unreasonable. You said you are available between 9-12. Maybe even an afternoon appointment so the cousins can play would work but instead she books it for 11.45 so you will need to take DN to collect DD from preschool, you won't have your usual wind down time with DD and there are other siblings who give far less support who are not being asked to help. Can you just ask your DM to change the appointment with the hairdresser?

HJWT So your latest drip feed is that you have, begrudgingly, brought your sisters children up yourself - despite SS thinking their grandmother is caring for them? Have you gone through SS assessments to care for them? If not it's illegal.

You sound as if you would prefer your DN's to be placed in foster care. If that's the case why not let SS know this? At least you will no longer have to lift a finger to support your DN's eh?

@halpert quite often actually due to me having mug on my forehead

@HJWT to a family member , but you begrudge your DN that! That's just awful!

You sound seriously jealous of you DN - your mum is trying her best for them and needs a hand sometimes, help her out!

@Charlie97 I don't know what you mean, my SIL would be able to cope with my child and wouldn't ask other to watch her regularly.

I'm with you OP. I understand completely where you're coming from. Your mum doesn't spend time with your child and keeps expecting you to have all three nieces whenever she asks. You're happy to babysit in the mornings while your child is at nursery...otherwise four children is just hard work! Maybe when your child is in full time school you'll be able to help out more. I'm sure your mum could do with a little more help as she must be exhausted.

For the third time......why doesn’t your sister just offer if she is so keen to do it? Problem solved

Without being rude, your DD will be okay. She has a parent who is capable and raising her, so if she doesn't get much time with your mum it's not the end of the world, same with your other sister's kids. Your mum is all that your DNs have so she has to prioritise them, and if she is building up social networks with other school mums and friendships for the kids then that's a positive thing for all of them as a family unit not something you should be annoyed by.

ethel It won’t be four children. Sounds like two are in school

Op I get you ..I can understand your frustration for not only you but your daughter too.However I think your mum did the only thing she felt she could do in keeping the girls together,It was an amazing thing to do and even f your mum had reservations she still did it.I get why you feel pushed out but its no ones fault except the kids mother...I think I may have a suggestion which might help,Would you take the lead in this to keep everyone happy?What I was thinking was if maybe you could all get together you ,your mum and all the kids and do something together every week//the reasoning behind you suggesting this is so your daughter can bond with her nieces and you can spend some time with mum,I know its far from ideal for you but if the kids( and forgive me for saying this but from what you discribed earlier upthread about their behaviour)can see a normal family bonding together it might help them no end,The girls sound clingy and slightly traumatized which could explain why they behave like they do.I think it might massively help if you could take the lead here,and I am sure your lovely mum would appreciate it too.Maybe it might help if your mum could also have a day a month to herself where she can try to find time to please herself a bit and get her hair done in peace,,,I would rope the other adults in with this to help support your mum too,I think you could organize everyone else to pull their weight and I think you should.Your mum needs help and will going forward so you be your mums voice and make your siblings step up that way maybe if all the family rallies you and your daughter could get back some quality time with your mum...Dont be angry with her and dont apoligize for feeling like you have lost out too its unfair all round on all of you...Get the troops rallied Make them help cos these kids need a strong loving supportive family and you and your daughter should be able to see your mum too....Good Luck

Oh gosh, I know If anything happened to me my sister would be the first one there saying I will take her. This is so sad

@kazillionaire yes I still don't think you all understand the point of my post, I do help my mum out EVERY SINGLE WEEK IF NOT TWICE OR THREE TIMES. Hence WHY I don't want to watch DN again whilst she has her hair done! I don't even get time to get my hair done.

She needs
sky sorting ? I ring them!
Internet sorting ? I ring them!
Stuff ordering online? Done for you DM!
Food shopping ? Ill pick you up on thurs
Oh Nan needs a cleaner? I can do that for u DM

• just because I didn't state all of this in the beginning doesn't mean I don't do it.

@Ethel36 is ONE child which OP has admitted is not an issue, your post makes no sense at all.

Where is DSIS now? Is she in rehab?

Will the children ever be returned to her?

I know the DM and DNs are not at fault here, but neither is OP.

@Charlie97 its not an issue for me to watch DN 9-12 then I want to go home with my DD like I usually do, the reason for the thread is because she has already booked the app and expects me to change my plans when she knows full well I pick DD up and go home.

@FuckOffMeadowSoprano In all honesty ? She could be dead and we wouldn't know, it is VERY unlikely the children would even have contact with her again.

So why can't you take DN back with you?

I understand you are angry. Your mother has been put in a terrible position by your feckless older sister. Unfortunately we don’t always get what we want in life. Harsh but true. The best thing you can do is to try to find alternative grandparent figures for your dd. If I am reading this correctly you are only early 20’s yourself and perhaps a little too young to really understand things from her POV. You rather see it as a daughter, who has missed out and a mother to a child, who is equally missing out.

Can you have a bit of a family meeting. It sounds to me as you and your siblings could do with pulling together rather than getting angry with the situation? For now I would help her out. And as for meeting a play date mum. Good on her for making friends with parents. She is still parenting during this time, you know.

People have decided you're wrongbased in the initial OP and they're not budging, are they?!

OP, you're not being unreasonable, it sounds as though you have done a huge amount for your first 2 DN's, and have quite rightly said 'that's it, no more' to your DM who completely ignored you and has assumed you will do the same for the 3rd DN. but what about the 4th or the 5th??! Because ur sounds like your drug addict DSis could easily have more kids. When are you 'allowed' to say 'enough'!

It's not your job to pick up the pieces for your sister for the rest of your life.

for you OP. Give your DD a cuddle and enjoy the time with just her for a little bit.

@Charlie97 because I live 40 minutes away again if my DM had taken the driving lessons I set up I could do this and she could of picked DN up but no she chose to cancel it

Then on this occasion put your foot down and say no.

If it was an emergency, or medical appt etc then that's different.

Having read all of your posts I now don't think you'd be unreasonable.