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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

247 replies

Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 02:49

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 26/01/2019 02:53

How old is SD, how much smaller IS the smaller room?

For a baby, that would be unreasonable, a baby doesn't need a big room, an older child does. Ditto a toddler.

By the time your as yet imaginary baby actually NEEDS a bigger space, how old will your SD be?

Whilst I think it's a bit silly to not try for a child until you get a bigger house, I think its pretty thoughtless to suggest the older child takes the smaller room before thats actually necessary!

GhostCurry · 26/01/2019 02:53

Difficult.

Personally I would put the baby in the smaller room but use the larger room for storage - a wardrobe or similar for things like nappies, baby clothes etc. Your DSD won’t really notice and you will keep the peace.

If your baby is anything like mine was, it won’t spend much time in the bedroom until 6months-1 year old.

By that time you can reassess and might feel you want to move anyway?

LadyandGent · 26/01/2019 02:53

No way. You don't boot a child out of their room end of.
My dd would be utterly gutted if she was sent from her room to the box room.
Gutted!
You just can't do that!

GhostCurry · 26/01/2019 02:54

Also agree with widdlin

Doyoumind · 26/01/2019 02:54

A baby doesn't need a big room. You wouldn't need to worry about it until the child is at least 2 and at that point you move. Moving DSD into the smaller room and giving the big room to the baby would be a very bad idea. It would be telling her she's not as important as the new baby which, clearly, she wouldn't be to you by the sounds of it.

GhostCurry · 26/01/2019 02:55

Incidentally, why does your DSD spend so little time with you guys?

LadyandGent · 26/01/2019 02:57

Your child has a Dad and a Mom. A StepDad and a StepMom.
Stepmom wants to put her into a tiny room to make way for an imaginery baby?
You can't do that. You literally can't do that.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 26/01/2019 02:58

You don’t move a child out of their room for another, you get a bigger house or make do with baby in the smaller room

LadyandGent · 26/01/2019 02:59

It might be what you want, but prepare for dsd to never contact you again. It's HER HOME.
And parent with two kids always gives the biggest room to the eldest.

NailsNeedDoing · 26/01/2019 02:59

When you have your child, spending money to make sure that they're happy and feel secure despite big changes to their lives doesn't seem so silly. I can understand where your partners coming from completely. I was terrible with worrying about dc1's feelings when dc2 came along and I can imagine it's hard for a loving Dad when they only have their child to stay every two weeks.

Of course it makes more sense practically to have the room that's used most often be the biggest one, but it's an emotional thing too. Ask yourself honestly if you would feel comfortable with moving your own first child out of their bedroom and into what you describe as a very small room if you conceived again.

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 26/01/2019 03:03

I think I’m short yes to your question you are becoming the evil step mum, but you have time to stop this. You aren’t even pregnant yet, bond with her, see it as her space, try to encourage more contact. Then you’ll be a great mum one day

Birdsgottafly · 26/01/2019 03:03

How old your SDD is, is relevant.

Your Bio child wouldn't need a bigger bedroom until they are around six, as said you can use storage in the bigger room.

So in seven years time. So this is a non argument.

The point is, your SDD should be able to think of the bedroom as hers, contact may increase, in the future.

You seem to be thinking of it as a room she happens to stay in, rather than it being her second home and her room.

That would piss any decent NR Parent off.

ExFury · 26/01/2019 03:03

but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly

She’s not ‘our’ step child. She’s your step child, but she’s your partner’s child.

Her father having another baby who lives with her full time will be a hard enough thing for her to deal with without you kicking her out of her room to add to it.

Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:04

She is 8 years old but I am not meaning immediately. I am meaning when the baby would be 5-6. She would be a lot older and whether she would still want to come round would be another matter but I would always have a room for her.

But can I ask how would I explain to my child that you cannot have a bigger room as your sister who is here every other weekend deserves it more than you?

Or we should get a bigger house and not be financially stable just to ensure no is hurt ? Surely everyone in life has to accept change whether we like it or no ? Jobs we wanted and never got ? Home we loved and offers weren’t accepted ?

OP posts:
ExFury · 26/01/2019 03:05

But can I ask how would I explain to my child that you cannot have a bigger room as your sister who is here every other weekend deserves it more than you?

How does your other half explain to his daughter that the other child who already sees him far more than her also deserves her bedroom?

Justagirlwholovesaboy · 26/01/2019 03:05

You are comparing an imaginary child which hasn’t happened get against a like girl being evicted from her bedroom?

ExFury · 26/01/2019 03:07

Also I’d walk away from any partner that seemed to suggest my 13/14 year old might not want to come around anymore.

Children don’t stop seeing the nrp when the other house is a welcoming second home in my experience. The fact you think she may have stopped visiting and say so so casually says a lot.

Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:07

As her mum won’t allow anymore access. My partner has accepted this so there is not a lot I can do

OP posts:
Justagirlwholovesaboy · 26/01/2019 03:10

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PregnantSea · 26/01/2019 03:13

I just wouldn't mention it again until you actually have your baby. And even then, they won't need a bigger room until they're 2 or 3. At that point what you are suggesting would make sense and I would agree that the rooms could be swapped over. By that point dsd might not even care so much as she'll probably be out with her friends a lot over the weekend and be less in need of the bigger room.

I'm afraid that right now what you are suggesting does make you sound like the wicked step mother.

Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:14

I’m slightly confused as even as I child I moved room to facilitate other sibling and had no worries about it.

Again, perhaps explain that this wouldn’t be right away. This would be years down the line when we had a child would wanted to play in their room but was too small. My step daughter said she doesn’t want to share rooms. She doesn’t want anyone being in her room either when she isn’t there.

I’ve discusses getting a bigger house in the future and re evaluating this near the time but my partner feels we have to get a bigger house now.

Why I think she wouldn’t come round as much as I have step sisters who lived far away as she does and as teens they were with their friends from school at the weekends and at ours when they wanted. I’m not saying she will never be at ours but the truth is that is also something that may or may not happen.

OP posts:
k1233 · 26/01/2019 03:15

Depending on the layout of your house, is it possible to move a wall to make the rooms more similar in size? Cheaper than a new house and would solve the problem. Alternatively do an add on / convert another room?

To me you're already starting to prioritise your yet to be conceived baby over your step daughter. Rooms just are. Step daughter has bigger room as she was there first. That's a fact, nothing about your child not deserving it. It's you who will sow those ideas / concepts, so you need to get over that way of thinking before a child comes.

Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:16

Ok I get that.

So we should stay financially unstable ? Get a bigger house ? Also my partner has a long standing illness which flares up so there is only my income to ensure the bills are paid.

OP posts:
Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:17

I say this as that’s what happened with my family as they grew they had friends to hang out with and so didn’t want to spend time with their boring dad or small sisters. I again I didn’t say this for definite lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 03:18

Perhaps it does. I just think it was a suggestions for many many years time. Nothing set in stone and if we had the money great but right now we know that may not be the case .

I have always said if we can we will get a bigger house.

OP posts:
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