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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

247 replies

Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 02:49

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

OP posts:
PrettyPurpleDress2 · 26/01/2019 15:21

Give the baby the smaller room until he/she is 3 or 4 and then buy a bigger house at that point. I would not feel right kicking poor step daughter out of her room!!!! Just imagine how that would make her feel! Her daddy having a new baby night already make her feel insecure and losing her room on top of that?

PrettyPurpleDress2 · 26/01/2019 15:23

Older child gets the bigger room. Period. That's always the way it is. Doesn't matter if she only comes over every other weekend!! Hopefully she will be coming over more often by time new baby comes.

Aridane · 26/01/2019 15:36

OP - YANBU- just a bit premature

Aridane · 26/01/2019 15:37

Love the idea you have to move, build a loft extension, reconfigure walls internally - or that it's the law the eldest has the biggest room!

Calmingvibrations · 26/01/2019 15:48

Resident child should get biggest room surely! Otherwise your step child will have two ‘main’ bedrooms (at mothers and fathers) and your child have none (or box room). I say this as someone who was a step child and as someone with a child. I would support a situation where they only had a small room for EOW visitation to dad.

flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 15:50

Older child gets the bigger room. Period. That's always the way it is

Always?

I must have missed that memo cos its not in my house?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 26/01/2019 15:53

etc and explain why

What would that explanation be? Because it literally does boil down to the fact you would be putting her in the small room so the baby could have the big room.

WhoPooped · 26/01/2019 15:55

@PrettyPurpleDress2 Older child gets the bigger room. Period. That's always the way it is

Says who? 😂 I didn’t know there was a law!
And just to throw a spanner in the works I had the biggest room as a kid because my older brother had a games console etc and not many toys, I had dolls houses, prams and lots of big toys so it made sense to have the bigger room as my things needed more room to store!
Also until recently my much younger DS had a bigger bedroom than his older sister because he had a train/car table and racetracks etc which he couldn’t put together in the smaller room.

So no it is not always the way it is because taking a ridiculous blanket view doesn’t accommodate for the needs of the individual children in each situation.

flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 15:55

Yes because the baby will use it all year for probably 18 years.

Dsd will use it a tiny fraction of that.

Racecardriver · 26/01/2019 15:57

@coplings well there’s this place called court where you can get more

WhoPooped · 26/01/2019 15:57

^ flamingo just hit the nail on the head

And @Aridane ... summarised it in one perfect sentence!

snackarella · 26/01/2019 16:03

Right sounds like this is all what ifs.
My first concern would be wether your partner wants a baby, and wether you can afford a bigger house or not. If he does and you can, then just move when you've had the baby. R before it needs its own larger room.

If you can't afford it then everyone has to make do. Like you say she may be older by then and not be coming so often etc but if she hasn't I'm sure when they've got a sibling they love and stuff it will be different to ask her to share or move rooms for a fictional child. Dynamic will change massively when there's a baby so don't worry about it now x

flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 16:05

Why on earth do they need to move house?

Most 3 bed houses have a box room. The baby would still get the box room so what's the point?

Is op expected to single handedly fund a 4 bed house because "its not fair" on dsd whos there EOW?

Have you all got more money than sense?

Karigan195 · 26/01/2019 16:11

I think you’re both being utterly ridiculous arguing over this. Baby gets smaller room to start. By the time baby may need bigger room you talk to them all sensibly and get the views of your by then teenage SD. By then you may be in a different financial situation and be getting a bigger house. You may have twins which would rather dictate what occurs. Your SD May stop visiting after a fall out. I get making plans for the future but arguments over this at this stage are ridiculous

jackio2205 · 26/01/2019 16:12

When my parents broke up I lived with my mum, my step mum moved in with my dad (to my old house) along with her two children. So my things and room became hers.... i would say that it was a little confusing and upsetting but in truth I could have read into anythin whilst being sensitive, its not that they did anything wrong at all.
One thing that helped is that we were a similar age and 'shared' a room by having bunk beds. I think for your situation a baby coming unfortunately doesn't have a perfect time, but surely would be fine in a small room for a good few years, at which point you could well be in a new house or they could share a room, its so far away off yet! X

Doubletrouble99 · 26/01/2019 16:13

As a step mum of many years. I can tell you that any suggestion that your partner's daughter be moved to one side in favour of her 'new' half sibling would never go down well with any dad or step daughter.
The idea that SD is a second thought in your plans is not nice for your SD and could severely damage your relationship.

I really wouldn't even go there. I would accept that if you want a child together you will have to have the baby in the smaller room . Then perhaps look at the situation later. Can you extend the house into the attic for instance?

QuarterMileAtATime · 26/01/2019 16:14

Another one here who thinks this is not actually a problem yet. Hypothetical baby should get the small room until age 6 or so. Very young children mostly prefer to play in the living space where you are anyway - and that’s where they want their toys to be! In 7 years, any number of things may stop this ever being a problem: eg. you moving - you might even fall pregnant a second time, making it more essential! DSD may offer to swap herself by that point, or be happier to move with the promise of redecoration etc. - she will hopefully feel safe and secure enough to see the reasoning behind it. (15 year olds don’t tend to have the mountain of toys etc that younger children have.)
At first, and at her age now, it’s very important to focus on her not feeling pushed out or less important.

WiddlinDiddlin · 26/01/2019 16:20

So really it's a total non-issue that you are making into an issue..

In 7 years your DSD will be what, 15? Who knows where you will live then, where she will live, she may be perfectly happy to downsize rooms if thats necessary, and she could reasonably be a part of that discussion and choose for herself.

But broaching the issue NOW, of bumping her out of 'her room' for a baby that doesn't actually exist, that may need the larger room when they are six years old... yep, you are borrowing trouble where there needn't be any, and yes I think its unreasonable to put an imaginary childs needs before a real childs needs.

coplings · 26/01/2019 16:22

@Racecardriver obviously but your post was ridiculous. Young were trying to take someone's post and make it about something else yet again.

melj1213 · 26/01/2019 16:55

Older child gets the bigger room. Period. That's always the way it is

My mum and dad must have missed that memo ... and most of my friends ... and my aunts and uncles ... and my siblings.

Or maybe don't generalise your situation to everything.

Also OP YANBU - its basic logic. You have 2 bedrooms for 2 children - one large room and one small room.

One child will be there 100% of the time 365 days a year (except sleepovers and holidays) and will have no other personal space.

One child will be there 14% of the time, 52 days a year (except sleepovers and holidays) and also has a bedroom at their other parent's house that houses most of their personal things.

Why on earth would you put a resident child in a box room just so that the SD doesn't have to share/give up a larger room that will be empty for the majority of the time?

Suebnm · 26/01/2019 17:39

Honestly you need to think about your boyfriend blackmailing you into buying a bigger house and how much you personally want a baby of your own.

You can’t have baby unless you buy a bigger house? WTF.

Racecardriver · 26/01/2019 17:58

@coplings not really. He’s being hypocritical. The hypocrisy adds to the unreasonableness.

FinallyHere · 26/01/2019 18:25

wouldn’t have a child unless married.

Marriage protects the financially weaker party. OP has sId she earns and pays the bills, so if she got married she would be providing protection for the DP.

he is is judging the situation on his daughter's likely reaction given she is already territorial about her space..

As for the posters who say don't worry about this til further down the road, I say, don't have a baby with a man who already had children. Having children is hard, blending families is even harder. Why do it?

unless you can think you need to view both children as equals, just like your partner does

MightyMoose · 26/01/2019 18:31

Personally I wouldn't be up for having a child with a man who doesn't work but ok your own head be it...I'd put them in together in the smaller room but with just beds. Propose the bigger room becomes the playroom with all the toys. By the time the baby is old enough to want to play with toys the DSD won't have interest in them but at that point she might want some privacy. I'd then offer to move the younger one into the playroom. We kept our youngest in our room until she slept through the night and then moved her into DSD room with her and it's been fine.

kitkatsky · 26/01/2019 18:46

Look, I get your logic when I apply it to a child of my friend etc who spends time with us rarely, but if you were my DD's step mum I'd feel sad on DD's behalf. Basically I get your logic, but when you do have your own kid you'll understand that logic and emotion are equal companions when it comes to raising a child. That isn't a personal attack by the way! Just a nod that I think you sound lovely, but being a stepmum is horrific. I admire most of them, but my point is that any major decision involving the child needs to be unilaterally presented as the position of the bio parent