Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

Older DC get the bigger room. It's how it is. It's not your step daughter's fault she has two homes.

I know where you’re coming from OP. A lot of people have this problem I would think. We live in a new build three bed, but the third bedroom is tiny, I can’t see how a bed would even get in there! My friend looked at houses on our estate but she has one DD (about 6) and one DSD (teen, spends weekends with them) and said to get three decent sized rooms she’d have had to buy a 4 bed. My DB has also just moved to a 4 bed so my DN can have a bigger room; she was in the box room and his DSD (20, at uni, lives there FT and commutes) had the bigger room. My DN is 7 though so you wouldn’t have to worry for a few years yet!

Oh my goodness. My viewpoint is entirely different.

This talk about a baby not needing much space is subjective. I spend a lot of time in my baby’s room. As he learns to crawl we are in there for hours during the days and then obviously hours at night whilst I nurse m, gets him ready for bed. I spent time sleeping by his cot etc so for me, it’s so helpful that there is space for a spare single bed and chair.
I think to keep a child in a small room, and have another one sat empty for 12 out of 14 days is ludicrous. The only way to make it semi-fair is to make the older child’s room a kind of playroom too so the younger one has access to it. But the older one most likely won’t want the younger ones stuff in it and in my experience children just really like having their own private space - regardless of size.
I’ve been there when growing up. I was moved for other children. It annoyed me as I wanted a bigger room. But did I feel unloved? No, of course I didn’t. Because I was loved. I knew I was loved very much. Yes, it knocks you down a peg. You are not THE most important person on the planet, other people matter too- for me this wasn’t traumatising but character building. My dad actually just used to remind us when we got super territorial over our space that it was his house, and in some cultures everything is shared. This mentality of ‘this is mine, keep out’ is just a cultural norm here. It’s not a universal psychological need for children.

I think guilt clouds so much of this stuff.
It’s just not practical.
One child is there all the time. The other is there 4days a month and has there own bedroom at the ‘main’ house.

I would never put my family in a financially unstable situation to avoid this.

@Justagirlwholovesaboy
“I hope motherhood improves you”
What an offensive thing to write. And ridiculous.

YOU are NOT U

At all

Theoretically looking at the future is not a problem.

Don't worry about it yet. As others have said a baby won't need much room to start with. You can store bits and pieces in sds room in you need to. Eventually you may need a bigger room, but worry about that when it happens. You may find it works best to keep the younger child in the small room, and use the bigger room as a play room (when SD isn't there,)or toy storage.

I think YANBU, it makes absolute sense

But I wouldn't worry until it is an actual issue. You never know what will happen. You could have twins and absolutely need the bigger room! You could get to your DC being 5 and find they would be better off staying in the smaller room as they are used to it.

For those suggesting the bigger room is used for storage, that might be more unpalatable for the daughter than having a smaller space that is exclusively hers.

OP I think you’ll know when the time comes what the solution is. And when the baby arrives it will also be obvious what is working and what needs to change. The main thing is to make sure the daughter doesn’t feel displaced and there is a lot more to that than bedroom allocation.

YANBU.

Of course your child should have the larger room. Step mothers always get a bashing here, ignore the nastiness.

Yes daughter might not like her room being used for storage, then maybe she will ask to move rooms.

As a child, I moved bedrooms a few times. It's just what we did in our house. I see no harm in it.

And I agree with you, I think a full time resident of the house should have the bigger room!

But i also agree that the switch shouldn't be made too soon after the new addition arrives. Give it a few years, and then the switch won't seem as dramatic!

Wow the comments on here are disgraceful! @Samsam66 I agree with your reasoning 100%.

Ignore all the nasty comments, people seem to have gotten out of the wrong side of the bed today!

@FortunesFave in our household, the bedrooms actually went from youngest gets biggest room - oldest gets smallest room. So your comment about eldest getting the biggest room always is not true

YANBU.

Babies accumulate a lot of stuff. IMO it’s better to have a larger room for this reason rather than a smaller one. What I also enjoyed was having it as a quiet space to curl up in a chair to feed baby at night / when relatives descended on the house.

Stepmums often get a bashing on here. You’re not evil, you’re being practical. Your OH will possibly feel guilty about it though but you can’t be ruled by what your DSD wants.

As and when the time comes, involve her as much as possible.

I would just take it as it comes. If you DSD is 8 now and you don’t plan on switching rooms until your future child is 5/6 then she’ll be a teen and may feel differently about the structure of fortnightly visits. I have a DSS 11 and a DS2, we chose to keep my DSS in the bigger room (where he still is) when my son came along as we were keen to show him that it wasn’t going to change his place in our home and how much he means to us. Our DSS has never been great with change so I was v anxious to make sure the first months of new baby were enjoyable for him. My DS spends very little time in his room at this age so it makes sense tbh. I think it could hurt your DSD feelings to be turfed out at the age she is.

Loft conversion is your way forward if it's doable. But whilst I'd want to do the same as you, it wouldn't go down well.

I can’t believe you are planning this SIX years in advance and to benefit a yet to be conceived baby.
I suspect you have just lost a fair amount of your dp’s respect. Yabu

I am meaning when the baby would be 5-6. She would be a lot older and whether she would still want to come round would be another matter but I would always have a room for her.

So you'd kick a 14 year old out of their room to make room for their 6 year old step sibling?

Nice work - not 🙄

I think you're making an issue out of something that doesn't need discussing, perhaps ever if eg you can't have children, you happen to move in a few years as all sorts of thing happen unexpectedly, perhaps you have twins or triplets in which case the accommodate you'll need to move or swap rooms because of necessary logistics rather than doing what you want to do ... but what's the point in upsetting the Apple cart now?!

Wow
OP if it makes you feel any better I was 9 when sister came along
I stayed every Friday night to Sunday morning.
I had own room until baby was born at first she slept with parents then my room became her room a very toddler princess room haha
I had my own room at the house I lived full time at.
Anyway my pound being I wasn’t bothered as it made sense and I don’t resent my step mum either.
I also didn’t actually have another bedroom to move in to haha
I slept in the dining room on mattress 😂

OP I’m sorry you’ve had these responses! I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all. Your SD has a home with her mum and stays with you for such a short time! Though I would put it off til the baby is older. Can you put in a loft room?
My DS step mum arranged for them to move to the US immediately after having their new baby. That is evil step mum. Not being practical about space. I also thing it’s good for kids to learn to consider other people’s needs

The first post reads as though you have devised a way of demonstrating rejection of your husband’s daughter.

I think you are worrying about this prematurely but YANBU.

Bumpitybumper makes a lot of sense re your partner though.

No, I would not do this. Younger child gets the smaller bedroom. Thems the roolz ...

When DSS was about 15, he and my DD were having an argument about tthier room sizes because hers was so much smaller and he spent much less time here. He came to me a couple.of weeks later and suggested that he swap with her as she had much more stuff (he was 15 she was 8) and lived here all the time. It was his idea, that's the difference.

I think your DH is right with this one.

I agree with drop it for now. Years from now when your living room is over run with brightly coloured plastic because there is no space in the box room, while all of that empty space just sits there most of the time your DP will probably see your point, and your DSD would hopefully see the necessity as well.