Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

Yes it’s definitely reasonable to put the child who is with you for 356 days a year in the box room while the spacious room is empty for 304 days a year so that the SD who is there for 52 days a year doesn’t have her nose put out of joint 🙄.

People are mental on here sometimes. Good luck when the time comes.

💐

We had something similar and wrung our hands over how best to deal with it. Even dh's ex said "don't be ridiculous, they don't live ft with you so why would they need the biggest room?" We just did it and made sure their room and the house generally, and our attitudes, remained as warm and welcoming ad ever. No problems at all. And when our 2nd child came along, 17yo dsd even suggested dh stopped paying her an allowance to help pay for her little sister. He continued to pay of course, but I mention it purely to point out that if all dc are raised well, feel consistently loved and cared for, it's amazing how little of a shit they actually care for material things, like big bedrooms. Fostering a close, loving relationship between siblings is far more important - to all of them. And teenagers often visit the nrp less as they get friends and want to spend their weekends with them, whatever some will tell you. It's a normal part of growing up and stands to reason that if the only time they can see friends out of school is at weekends, and 50% of those weekends are normally spent with the nrp, they'll probably spend less time there. It has nothing to do with how welcome they feel.

I think the title has brought out all the vipers with an axe to grind against SM. That's the only explanation I can think off for the vicious and ridiculous replies you've gotten.

YANBU. Of course you should handle it sensitively but there is no way a child who lives there full time should have a small room whilst the bigger room sits empty for 310+ days of the year. Madness.

Teddy is spot on.

Does your DH have a difficult relationship with his ex? It's just that you mentioned only having DSD EOW because that's the way Ex wanted it. Maybe your DH feels that moving DSD into smaller room will just give ex another stick to beat him with and perhaps jeopardise the amount of time that you do have DSD.

If you buy a bigger house will it be YOU buying it, being the only breadwinner, or will it be you and DH - does your DH have any income at all?

Of course, none of this may be an issue if you have a baby in say 2 - 3 years time, the baby stays in the smaller room until they are 6, then your DSD will be off to university and out into the world.

I agree you are borrowing trouble. In a few years time when this is an issue you can talk about it with DSD, maybe suggest doing the smaller room up as a more grown up, private, teenage bolt hole for her whilst the putative new child moves into the tatty old room.

In the meantime I think you need to reassess your attitude towards your DSD. You say you get on well and that’s good but you seem to think of her as a part time, second tier family member. Maybe that’s what your earlier experience of step siblings was like but it doesn’t have to be her experience.

First of all I don't understand people criticising the EOW thing. This is by and large the standard contact that is granted to a non resident parent. Not everyone has 9-5 jobs that allow an evening in the week too, not everyone lives within 30 minutes of everyone else. Also it is her stepchild so her partner's issue not hers.

Secondly, it seems reasonable that a child that is only there 52 nights does have the smaller room. Babies come with changing tables and all sorts of paraphernalia.

The one thing that stands out to me in the OP was "we discussed it" but he gave dirty looks. This seems like you assumed this is what would happen and are now shocked that your partner wasn't on the same page.

I think there are a few options

(1) moving now - while you are still working and can possibly have more borrowing power.

(2) Stay. Baby stays in with you and then box room for a few years.

(3) Stay, but before there is even mention of a baby to SDD the move to the new room happens with the offer of decorating, perhaps a wallmounted TV, making it her special place beforehand so she doesn't feel displaced.

(3) Stay for now. Baby in small room but move when baby gets to school to a house with more equal room sizes.

Again I have seen families with step kids (inc my own) where once they get to 16 and have Saturday jobs, parties etc if you live any distance apart the visit are more ad hoc to fit in with their social lives because that is how the step child wants it to be.

Personally I am on the OP's side but it is just all about how it is handled.

Come back in a few years when you're planning a holiday and you'd like to go somewhere nice with your toddler , but if you take your SD it will cost ££££ more because of school holidays prices .
Bear in mind your SD will go on holiday with her Mum and your DC- her half sibling won't be invited
You'll be ordered to Pay Up and Shut Up or go "somewhere cheaper" .
Fancy a tent for 4 in rainy Dorset for a week............?

Hopefully your SD , if she has a good relationship as you say will look at your Baby's room an say " Gosh they have so much stuff , why don;t we swap over"

Can't be arsed to read what I assume are pages of vitriol as this is a step mother thread.

This is far in the future. Don't agonize other situations that are yet to happen. You're creating an issue in your mind and it will affect how you react and feel in the present.

For what it's worth, my older brother was 'booted' into the box room to accommodate my younger sister. My stepson was 'booted ' into the box room so my DD could have the larger room. My DSSs were with us 50/50. They were all moved around when DD was 3 and they were mid to late teens.

It was fine. Maybe a bit put out but they adore her and spend hours playing with her.

It's ok for kids to not like something you decide.

It's also ok to not over analyse ever little decision as a stepmum. You don't have to consider every little what if.

say you get on well and that’s good but you seem to think of her as a part time, second tier family member
Well she is only there part time so it would be a bit thick to act like shes there all the time. Shes not.

I like the phrase don’t borrow trouble.

There is logic to your arguments OP and emotions on the the other side of the coin.

I would keep very very quiet about it. In a few years, when fingers-crossed you have your own child and accompanying paraphernalia, cluttering up the small room, front room and your bedroom, still keep quiet. Then we your partner wakes up one morning and says “let’s swap the children’s rooms around” you can congratulate him on his idea.

i think you are worrying uneccessarily over some hypothetical baby at some hypothetical point way in the future...

firstly a baby only needs a small nursery, and they do not 'need' a big room until att least 6-7 yrs of age IMO, cus before that they dont go and hang out or play in their rooms, they want to be near you most of the time .
So say it takes 3 months to get pregnant, 9 months before baby arrives, then 6 yrs minimum before your baby needs a bigger room, that takes you to Dsc being 15 ! they might have changed contact arrangements by then, might be happy with small room, might suggest it themselves, might be NC, might be living with you fulltime, you might have moved, or won the lottery or split from partner...( i hope not) but the point is you cannot know any of these things, and to get tied up in knots over this is bonkers,
if you and dp want a child...go ahead and start ttc, it will all work itself out

Jeez some of the replies on here astound me.

Imaginary baby aside.... of course the resident child would take the bigger bedroom! Why is it fair for a bigger room be used for 4 days a month and a full time child be in a box room??? The resident child will have more things for a start. She's not throwing her out of a room to sleep on the couch!!!

In most posts about children and rooms, it's unwritten rule that eldest usually gets the box and younger children share.

Get a grip people....OP if you hadn't mention step child you'd have completly different responses.....

Why the hell do people feel the need to take every single post away from the original subject?

This is nothing to do with why it's eow. This is the way for a lot of families including my own. We do eow and alternate sundays so they are here every weekend. Do we like it? No. Would we like to have dh's children more? Yes. Would I like my dcs go see their dad more then eow? Yes. But it's not always that easy.

And if you have your children more like 50/50 you still get criticised for that!

Going back to your point op, I do understand why you feel the way you do. But you can't do it. It wouldn't be good for your step daughter. She will have to deal with her dad being around a new baby every day....and then been moved to a smaller room. You cannot do that.

Moving house will be the best thing to do. Or put baby in the box room as others have said, babies don't need a big room. Even as toddlers.

I am amazed at some of the replies on here. Of course YANBU. I do think you're jumping the gun a bit though.

I was very envious of anyone with their own room as a child, as we had to share. It's not as if you're moving sd to the sofa. She'll still have a room.

This used to worry me but I left it unspoken while pregnant with our daughter (DSD was about 5/6 at the time). As it happens we ended up having two in two years so now our two youngest share the larger 2nd room and DSD has the third smaller room, which took the decision out of our hands on the end. Just a suggestion..!

Moving house will be the best thing to do
No it wouldn't. It would be an inherently stupid thing to do when op is the breadwinner and they already have adequate space.

And you "cant do this" to the child? You make it sound like cruelty. Moving from one bedroom to another bedroom is hardly going to scar her for life.

Its no wonder were raising a generation of easily offended pathetic people if you cant even swap a bedroom.

OP there's some frankly hysterical responses on here! Suggesting that your DP should walk away from you for (shock horror) suggesting your child moves bedrooms!!

I don't see a problem. Your (whilst yes still hypothetical) child will be there every night. DSD is there 48 hours out of every 2 weeks. Yes she should have the smaller room.

It's not about rejection, not loving her the same, pushing her about or any of the other ridiculous things suggested on here. It's about the practicalities of living arrangements with a blended family.

While on the fact of it, it seems reasonable, OP, where you’ve gone wrong is to think about your putative child’s rights rather than the needs of your blended family.

When/if your putative child is 5 and starting to feel a small room a squeeze and your step daughter is 13 you should look at the needs of the blended family as a whole.

Here and now, it does make sense to save for a larger house to make things easier at that future date. But the “rights” of a child to their own room is not important. Needs should be considered.

Already it seems as though you’re saying “my child will be the primary important child, step daughter is a part time visitor” and that’s what you’re getting a strong reaction to from your husband.

I find it bizarre tbh that all this drama is being created about something that isn’t going to impact until a good few years down the line. Absolutely anything could happen between now and then. As it currently stands you can accommodate a second child as you have a spare room. Most three bed homes have one bedroom which is smaller than the others, so really no need to think about moving. It sounds to me like you’re trying to create drama with your Dp re some deep seated issues you have with your dsd.

Children do not need 2 bedrooms to themselves.they have one at their main home and fit in wherever ,at the parents where they don't live.i had a bedroom at home ,and put me up bed at my dads.i did not expect or need a second bedroom all to myself when I visited 2 weekends a month.i am not damaged nor disadvantaged as a result.

Sounds like your DP would like the status of a bigger house. Since it is you rather than him who is the primary breadwinner he is using your DSD to guilt trip you into getting his way. The carrot is a mythical future baby - if you move - which he will probably change his mind about once you actually have moved - he will blame his failing health.

Do not marry him if you want to be able to cut the strings, whether or not you have a baby.

I would keep the small room as the baby’s room, for now. Store the baby’s clothes and other items in SDD’s wardrobe and when your child is 4 or 5, gently suggest a swap, as the little one is there 365 days. I imagine a 12/13 year old would be more understanding than an 8 year old.

I think you need to view both children as equals, just like your partner does. If you did, you would see why you are being unfair. Older child could feel pushed out by baby if you give it priority in this way

I didn't even have a room at my dad's house! We never slept over! I thought it was normal as a child but as I got older I realised it was weird that we never stayed over at my dad's despite there being enough space.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. Stepdaughter is there a few days a month, baby is there all the time. I'd swap them. I swapped rooms loads with my brother as a child so we both had time in the big room!