Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

Can I say that some of the comments are more offensive that helpful. This I thought was a safe place for people to talk and gain insight into other people’s lives.

My partner won’t leave me and my step child loves me very much. As I do her. We have known each other for years and are extremely close. I am looking for advice and perhaps have my mind changed. I haven’t taken her out of her room or said this to her. Just my partner and then thought maybe other will have views. Not nasty comments about my life .

Thanks to those who are giving advice and something constructive though. Food for thought

I don’t drink hahah! But thanks. I will just ignore your comments .

Bloody hell the responses to this are nuts!
DSD does not have all her belongings in her PT room, not her fault or the OPs fault.
A bigger room makes no difference to how a child is loved or that childs 'priority', nevermind that OP is paying for DSD to have a room anyway these responses are vicious, who judges how much a child is loved by their bedroom size?
IF bedroom size does matter why should OPs own child get what MN sees as the not loved enough room(that she pays for)?

When did 8 yr olds dictate room allocation anyway? Get a grip ladies

She has her own clothes, shoes, boots, hair stuff , dolls , crafts, books, cars, bike, trampoline in the garden. Her photos are round our house. Her own bedding. She is included in everything we do , she cooks with me and has girly days just us two.

Taking step child’s room is a non-starter.

Your partner needs to know that you understand that. If he can trust that it is not up for discussion again or in the future, then perhaps he could agree to having a baby now without upgrading the house.

sD should be able to see her friends from your home. They should be able to visit her there and she should return there to sleep and have family time on his weekends. It doesn’t have to be either or and it shouldn’t.

I'm with you on this one OP, it makes no sense to leave your stepdaughter in the bigger room given she's only there a couple of times a month.

I had the tiny box room at my stepmum's house and yes I hated it, but it wasn't my permanent home so it didn't matter that much and I got over myself. I had the bigger room in my actual home which was much more important seeing as I actually lived there.

Given that you're not actually pregnant yet, maybe you should drop the disagreements for now as it'll only breed resentment. a bigger house would be lovely, but sounds like your partner isn't going to be the one paying for it - so until he can it's too risky to move 'just in case' you get pregnant.

As your DSD will be a teen by the time all this comes to pass (ie new child would need own room) she'll likely be much more difficult about it then than she would be if it happened sooner.

As DSD isn't there much, she shouldn't be spending too much time in her room anyways because Dad will be spending time with her.
In my family, younger=more toys and more playing game space needed, FT resident = more toys, clothes books, the 'biggest room cause she's oldest' argument is wrong and impractical.
OP I'm sorry you got this response it's not as if you suggested she sleep in the kennel!

Unfortunately is does. Her school is further away. When we ask families to come round they don’t as they don’t know ya as well as her mother. She has local friends at ours but again difficult as we don’t often know what weekend we will have her depending on her mum. So organising can often be tricky .

I have to say some of these responses are extreme. Of course it makes sense in 6 or 7 years time to consider the change. When my dad remarried my sister and I lost 'our' room at his flat to our step brother and slept on a sofa bed. I never felt unloved by him as s result, there was no other option! I imagine sdd may be excited by a sibling and happy to make the change at some point. People don't always have to see the worst in every decision made.

Again, I don’t want her to feel she hasn’t a place in our home... her home. When we moved we made her room the first room we done as it was important that she knew it was also her home.

To be honest.. I think discussing it at the time would have been better but we discussed it. That’s the only reason I put this information out there was to get some views not personal criticism .

I’m usually a big fan of planning ahead. But in this case, I think you are just borrowing trouble (I think that is the phrase I am looking for).

If you were to get pregnant now, and not plan on moving your DC to DSD’s room until DC was 5ish, you have at least 6 years until it becomes an issue. DSD will be 14, contact arrangements may have changed, she might be living with you full time, you might have moved to a bigger house, or a smaller house, or another area and only see her once a month. DSD might decide she loves her step sibling so much, she wants to give up her room.

Don’t borrow trouble. Make a practical decision at the time.

OP i think you're projecting and I can understand your excitement of having your own baby. It's way ahead to make plans for bedrooms though. Even if you have a baby this year dsd will be almost a teen.
Lives change in those years.
Promotion at work, dsd moving away.
Just enjoy what you have for now. I'm not really surprised your DH is unhappy about it tbh. He must feel your pushing dsd out already and is feeling uncomfortable.

Do you own the house jointly? I think you get equal say about who gets what room and DP is being unfair. Or perhaps he's just using this to put off having a baby.

Using pure logic you are right. The child that is hardly there should have the smallest room and the resident child has the larger room.

However, the actual message it sends to your dsd is that she is not that important now a baby is being thought about.

I agree with a pp, let it lie for now. Don't buy a house you can't afford. You have years before any child you have will need the larger room and once baby is in the way you can start setting the groundwork for a room move years in advance.

Jesus Christ mumsnet hates a SM doesn’t it . .

Some absolutely evil downright ridiculous responses to this.

Of course it makes sense to switch rooms around, your child will be living there full time and the SD not. It makes absozero sense to leave a room standing empty for 24+ nights a month that’s 85% of the year.

You aren’t taking a room away you are simply moving them around, I predict your SD will have no problems with this whatsoever.

She has two bedrooms I’m sure one of them being the smaller one isn’t going to damage her for life, the resident child will more belongings in the house as opposed to the child that’s only there 4 nights a month therefore should have the bigger room. I don’t see why age means bigger? Makes no sense.

Any why should you move if you will be the one financially responsible for facilitating it and you’ve said your aren’t even sure you can afford it, stay in your home.

I’d bench the discussion for now and re-visit when pregnant though if this is your house too then you get 50% day on room allocation it’s not just up to your OH.

I can see ops logic.
Presumably ops parter pays substantial maintenance to ex partner? That goes in part to funding her home with dsd mum? And if there she has a larger comfortable bedroom, that she sleeps in 24 days out of a 28 day month, why does she need a larger room for her four nights away from her mums?

Obviously if this isn’t the case and she’s squished in a teeny room or shares with other step siblings at her mums for whatever reason I think this would be unfair and I would tread more carefully.

However op, I think you have brought this up far too prematurely.
I’d wait until your baby is a toddler and see what the circumstances are then. When your dp sees his equally important existing second child in a smaller room while eldest has two large rooms at her mums and dads he may re-consider.
If you have always treat dsd well, as you describe, they may be happy for the change also, particularly if it meant new furniture, cool decorating, and perhaps use of storage space in the larger room.

Don't move your stepdaughter. Put the baby, as and when you have one, in the little room - will be in with you for a while I imagine.

You may move to a bigger house later on and both can have a decent sized room.

It's horrible to move your step daughter. Their own room is an important staple. Doesn't mater what you had to do when you were a kid, it's the here and now that is important.

I'm one of three and constantly swapped rooms around when we were younger. It depended on who needed more space at what time.
A child who plays with toys, will always need more space than a teenager who will be on phone, laptop etc.

The issue isn’t about the size of the room. The issue is about what message it sends to the DSD. Her father having another child will be a big thing for her, and she’ll have to deal with the inevitable (maybe occasional, maybe more) jealousy that her sibling gets Dad full time. She’ll have to adjust and there could very well be a period where she fears being replaced. Her dad clearly knows that, and realises that taking her room from her will just amplify the feeling that the sibling will be more important to Dad.

And for the OP to say that the DSD doesn’t want to share her room, or want anyone in it when she’s not, then it sounds like a potential sibling has been mentioned or discussed and her Dad realises that it’s important for her to know that she’s not being replaced.

I think lots of people are assuming that DSD is emotionally attached to her current bedroom and would see any move to a smaller room as a demotion that reflected a downgrade in her father's and OP's affections. She might not actually be that bothered about a room she only uses a few times a month and could be perfectly willing to swap, especially if she is able to choose her own decor and furniture. My siblings and I actually all wanted the smallest room growing up because it had the cabin bed and therefore was deemed to be the coolest so kids don't view things in the same way as adults and it's not all about square footage.

What I would say though is that a new baby would mean that you enter extremely sensitive territory, not only for your DSD but also your DP. Any perceived favouritism can create all kinds of issues, your DP may well feel that he has split loyalties and it seems that you are getting an early taste of things to come now, before a child has even been conceived. Blended families are often complicated and messy so you really need to think now if this is something that you are happy to commit to. You may well love your partner, but he also loves his DSD and he simply not in a position where he can prioritise any new DC over his existing ones. Put simply, if you want to have a family with a man who is focused and devoted solely to you and your children then you may need to look elsewhere.

The responses here are ridiculous. Of course it would be silly for a larger room to be empty 12 out of 14 days you're not moving her to the coal shed! When my brother came along I was moved to the smaller room as the second largest room was next to my parents' room and easier for them to hear and tend to the baby, as they had for me. They let me choose how to decorate the smaller room whereas they'd decorated the nursery. I loved it and the room didn't even seem small to me as a child.

You’re not even pregnant. This is years down the line. As a pp said you may have your dsd living with you at that stage. Or it may continue at the same level of contact. What you’re also not considering is that some children don’t spend a lot of time in their room so the size of room is a moot point. My dd is 10 she has started to spend time alone in her room to face time her friends. Apart from that she is always with either dh or me unless I’m in bed - also disabled myself. She is then downstairs.

You sound like I used to be. Planning for every eventuality. Life changes a lot when you have a child... and when you get a disability. Wanting to get this agreed with your partner is about you and your anxiety, not any as yet non existent child. You will cross this bridge when you come to it by which stage your life circumstances will be a lot clearer and your sdd old enough to have a sensible conversation about bedrooms.

I can almost guarantee your future unborn will not care, and by the time they are able to care - ie about the age of ten - your DSD probably won't be coming anyway.

My son has a big room he literally only sleeps in. My daughter has a tiny wee room that she loves. Size doesn't matter.