Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

I'd advise keeping dsd in big room and getting a double bed for this room so it can be a guest room when dsd isn't there - we don't have a guest room with three kids and it would be so handy when relatives and friends come over
Honestly my Kids didn't spend hardly any time in their bedrooms till they were 8 or 9 so you've years to go till the small room is an issue for your own baby- and you could def store stuff in the bigger room - my sons clothes are in my daughters room as he has a tiny box room . A bit of compromise is good for kids

My comment has nothing to do with the situation at hand.

Your DH has an illness which 'flares up' from time-to-time, and therefore doesn't work at all?

So presumably his ex-wife has to work, as you also have to work, to provide funds to live off, to support his children, and in your case, to support him as well.

And yet he only sees his daughter every other weekend...?

And he wants to move to a bigger house?

Is this right?

We moved SD when baby arrived. As baby needed to be next to our bedroom upstairs and SD was a teenager and old enough to have a room downstairs. She liked her new room and we made it nice for her. Baby went to his room at 5months old so it won't necessarily be years.

We gave SD a choice initially- share the big room with baby or move to a smaller one downstairs. She picked downstairs, no hesitation.

I don't think YABU OP as this is exactly what we are doing.

9yo DSS is here 3 times a week and has a double room. 2yo DS has the box room.

DSS will start secondary school the same year DS starts primary son the plan is to swap rooms that summer. For now all of DS's toys are downstairs but by the time he starts school I would want that to change! DSS is already growing out of "toys" and doesn't need as much space as his little brother.

DSS knows this and is fine with this (not just because we've told him that when they do eventually swap we will finally allow him a TV in his room......)

Trust me you'll be the evil stepmother at some points throughout the years no matter what you do. I've been "an evil stepmother" even when I've tried to help DSC in every way. Go with the flow, no point in stressing about it just now.

Tell him how it is going to be - you are the one providing for the family and it's you who says how it is until he gets off his arse and gets a job.

DSD gets the smaller room. That's how it's going to be, live with it you idle prick.

He contributes nothing but sperm. Personally I'd get rid and get a decent man who provide for his family.

Sorry just done the sums.

Your DP of 6 years has a DD of 8 with his ex who he only sees EOW. He didn't last long as a SAHP last time round and is now making all sorts of preconditions before considering it again.

Time to move on.

I'm not sure why everyone is slamming EOW. It's a fairly standard contact arrangement for the NRP. I'd be more concerned about the lack of income and the brass neck to insist you buy a bigger house!

But why is he the NRP if he doesn't work and his ex does?

Ridiculous. I lived with my Dad and spent the odd weekend at my Mum's where she had 4 other (and younger) children. I had the smallest room as I wasn't there as often. I thought it was fair then and fair now.

Honestly, Mumsnet is batshit sometimes!

I’m going against a lot and say put dsd in the smaller room. As she get older she will have less toys etc, it will be more bed, somewhere to put clothes, tv, maybe a desk and that’s it. It becomes clothes, electronics and make up by that age!

@OP - your suggestion is fine. Step daughter gets two rooms (1 at mum, 1 at dads) its fine if the room she used for eow is smaller. Just explain it kindly when the time comes amd sweeten the deal with something she can have for the new room (tv or make up area, for example)

I hate how on these threads people scramble to ensure the SC is not upset by anything ever that they forget/don't care about the other child who lives in the home 100% of the time.

People talk about the OP viewing DSD as a second tier family member yet every time on MN step children are viewed with much much higher importance than resident children.

On what planet does it make any sense to have a large room sat empty for the majority of the year whilst the resident child crams into the box room. DSD has another bedroom at her mother's house and given the fact she only stays with OP EOW, likely doesn't have a lot of belongings at their house, certainly not as many as a resident child will have.

If these were both the OPs biological children we were talking about, no one would bat an eyelid about her suggesting a room swap. Lots of people had to do it when they were growing up to make room for siblings etc...

Suggesting the OP put herself into a bad financial situation to buy a bigger house just to avoid this situation is also nuts.

They are children, so long as they are loved equally there is nothing wrong with making decisions for the benefit of the family which they might be a bit put out by. Moving bedrooms will not scar her for life and OP has already said this situation wouldn't occur until her child was older (5/6).

God, the amount of things I pulled my face at having to do when I was a child! None of which has scarred me and looking back as an adult I can understand the reasons i.e. moving house when I didn't want to or swapping bedrooms and so on.

Just crazy how far some people will go when a step mum dares post here. It's infuriating.

Well said @ItsBloodyFreezingg

just to keep our step child happy - sums it all up for me.

Your DP is right here and quite rightly is standing up for his child. You are asking him to prioritise one over another - so wrong and divisive.

You are creating an issue that is not there quite frankly and causing your DP to either side with you or sideline his DC -you need a seriously quick attitude change to a blended family.

You are asking him to prioritise one over another

which is exactly what he's doing too!

You are asking him to prioritise one over another - so wrong and divisive

I don't think this is true at all.

If these were both OPs biological children you'd say she were asking him to be sensible and practical given the larger room is hardly used by one child.

Just because a decision benefits a resident child doesn't make it the wrong decision. It's ludicrous to have a huge room sat empty whilst they cramp into a box room.

It's not evil, it's sensible!

And I have to agree with other posters. Why does no one ever think of the resident children in these situations? It's not fair on them yet it doesn't seem to matter to anyone because they aren't a step child.

When I moved in with my OH and SS (aged 9), he had the box room and the large bedroom was used as storage (lazy OH not sorting it out!!) When I became pregnant we moved SS to the bigger room (redecorated of course) and DS had the box room. SS moved full time to Mum's age 17 (for work & school reasons, not anything to do with us) so with his agreement we moved DS to the large room but had the box room available for SS to stay anytime. I think it's harsh to move your SD out of her room, she will need far more space than the baby and you can make decisions about moving much further down the road.

Completely agree with @itsbloodyfreezingg. I'm off to kick my daughter out of her bigger bedroom she has had since birth and move DSS into it for his 2 nights per week at once! Come on people. They have their own lovely big bedroom at their main residence for the majority of the week, 2 nights in a smaller room is not going to leave them needing counselling when older. A RC will always have more belongings around than the NRC and so to suggest cramming the RC into a box room when a bigger one will be empty 5 nights a week is something you'd only see suggested on here tbh.

she will need far more space than the baby and you can make decisions about moving much further down the road

Sorry but how much space can a child need for 4 nights a month?!

OP has already said this scenario is when her child will be 5/6 not as a baby.

If you’re an evil step-mum then so I am! My DSS is 9 and I am due our baby in July. Me and DH have already discussed that when our baby needs a bigger room (this is prob 3/4 yrs away) that they will swap bedrooms as it’s logic! DSS is only with us EOW and doesn’t need the bigger room. He’ll move into the smaller one and we’ll decorate it however he wants