Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

[Samsam66]

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

Logistically of course it makes sense and in rl that's what people do.

Ofc on mumsnet youll be told youre awful selfish bla bla and your bio child will and should be always second to your step child.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. She only uses the room every other weekend and her half sibling would be living there all the time.

All the posters saying babies don't take up much space, it's all the paraphernalia you need space for. Cot, changing table, toys, wardrobe for clothes, bedlinen, blankets, chair for parent to sit (especially if you breastfeed them to sleep). Then something to store books, toys etc in as they get older. Unless you're happy to have the lounge taken over by toys!

Presumably your DSD has a room at her mum's house too, where she keeps most of her stuff? I don't see why she would need more than a bed and wardrobe at your house.

Some of my friends have stepchildren who visit alternate weekends, they don't have their own rooms (priority given to the children living in the house full time) so they use the guest room or an inflatable mattress in the study.

Some of these replies are absolutely bonkers. If this was a thread saying "DP won't let us have a child due to lack of space" and your OP stated that SD has the biggest room, DP won't let you swap etc, there would be so many cries of he is BU. But because it's you suggesting something the night witches and vipers are being just a wee bit cunty - must be slow elsewhere on MN tonight.

I think YANBU to expect SD to swap given she's not there that often. Part of having a baby is setting up a nursery and why should you compromise that for someone who is there part time. Babies come with a lot of stuff - it's ignorant to pretend otherwise. If your full time baby has all this stuff and the small room, SD's room won't be fully hers anyway as she'll need to share storage space. She may hate that even more than if she had the small room but all to herself. She sounds old enough to have the choice if you wanted to give it to her. I think really it depends on what sort of child she is and how you go about it all.

FWIW I had the box room and it was lovely. I had a small double platform bed, wardrobe and tv and as a teenager it was my little corner of the house I loved.

I am assuming you're not just going to throw a pile of blankets in the corner and expect her to call it a bed. I am assuming you will make it lovely for her, IF you ever had a child and wanted to move the rooms around. I simply cannot fathom how anyone would suggest using the biggest room for someone who is there barely there for 48 hours a week or less is the best use of space. Your DP needs to give his head a wobble. Good luck.

Well I don’t think you’re being unreasonable whatsoever! If she’s there every second weekend it doesn’t make sense that she would have the big room as opposed to someone who lives there full time. Obviously.

I think the DH should not demand a bigger house when it is going to put a burden on the breadwinner. Is he really a guy that you should have a child with, OP? Think carefully.

Also people saying "older child gets biggest bedroom thems the rules"

I cant help but think thats a bit dim. Babies/toddlers come with mountains of shite and ugly plastic toys etc. An 8yo probably spends a lot of time on a tablet or similar. what takes up more space?

But can I ask how would I explain to my child that you cannot have a bigger room as your sister who is here every other weekend deserves it more than you?

Why would you need to explain anything? Your child would know no different.

If your child was using terms like 'deserve' when questioning room size, you'd have to realise any resentment over it came from you right?

I have 4 children in rooms of various sizes (2 shared at one point) Never has room size been mentioned. Goes by age here. A baby does not need a big room. At all.

I agree with you OP.
My partner’s ex lives in a 3 bed house and has given the bigger bedroom to 13 year old sd (my partner’s dd) and the box room to her 6 year old son with her new partner. Quite frankly I feel extremely sorry for her son because he’s cramped in a small space while his older sister is starfishing in a double bed He is younger so needs space for his toys and he is there 7 days a week, so I think he needs that room more. But of course partner’s ex without really thinking of the practicalities, would have just let sd have first dibs no matter what. And now she’s moaning because she’s struggling for space for her son’s toys. Well swap rooms then and stop pandering to a 13 year old.

Your Dh is right. Eventually if you stay in the same house it'll probably change but right now just put the imaginary baby that may or may not happen in the small room.

And no. Older children shouldn’t always get the biggest room.

Hi OP.
I am you years down the line. I have 2 step kids and we have 1 of our own. Our youngest (5) is in the box room And doesn't care 1 bit. Our eldest 2 have big rooms and at 18 now our other DS has been with us EOW and every wednesday since forever and is now in uni. It's only now we are discussing the possibility of a room swap and even now my husband is talking a bigger house as a solution! It's a bit frustrating but before uni I would never have considered it.
Don't try making your husband choose between his DD and a not yet created new DBaby. Little kids don't need big rooms but they LOVE having happy siblings. And as for not wanting to come when theyre 13. Our kids never stopped coming because this was their home too x

OMG the bitter ex wives club are out in force for a bit of SM bashing OP. Sadly they have a hard and fast mantra that is rarely based in logic or practicality and has even less baring on the reality of being a family with step children.

Firstly the complete Bollocks fantasy that your home where your sc visits 48 hours a month is your SC equal home. It's not. It's her fathers home where she is welcome to stay, where she is loved, where she can do as she pleases within reason and convention. (But where YOUR feelings as a joint owner of the home have rights to consideration within the bounds of normal child behaviour)

Step children do not need to be wrapped in cotton wool and every move analysed in case some perceived inequality will automatically be read as father 'loving them less' based on bedroom size or material goods! (But should this ever be the case then the blame lies squarely with the parent that has instilled these values)

My four step children had a bedroom each at their mothers and slept on sofas /dining room/ any space that could be found - when they VISITED us every other weekend. Whilst my children had two sharing a room and my son in his own. None ever felt 'unloved' or in anyway 'less' than their step siblings. (Despite their DMs insistence that this was concrete proof of their fathers disdain for their needs)

Fast forward 7 yrs and two of these 'sidelined and emotionally abused children ' asked the court to allow them to live with us permanently. Which was granted.
At this stage - when our house became their HOME , where they lived full time. We converted the dining room into their shared bedroom.
As time moved on everyone has moved rooms to accommodate siblings/step siblings. Some are at Uni now and no ! I don't preserve their rooms in aspic 'in case' they pop back. We have seven children between us and 3 bed house. You do what is needed to accommodate them.

Love is based on care, listening, emotional connection , engagement, support and empathy. None of which have anything remotely to do with bedroom size. !

Don't try making your husband choose between his DD and a not yet created new DBaby

How is op making him choose?

leave ssd in big room forget about future plans - you can store extra things in big room & remember ssd will be older teen who you can talk to at that time - just leave things as they are

If you and your DH want a child, have a child. Work bedrooms out later.
To start with baby will be in with you anyway. Put baby stuff in the small room. Later redo the big bedroom for them to share and use the smaller for storage etc?
Then your DSD isn’t being moved out of her room, she’s sharping with a sibling which lots of children do. If she doesn’t like sharing she may request the smaller room so she has it to herself anyway.

What you suggest makes sense to me also, Op.

This is why I didn't become a step mother though.

I have a 3 bed house with a larger and a smaller room, I have made my children swap every 2 years to keep it fair.

I know it seems a pain but it’s not they grow out of the theme every 2 years anyway.

Maybe suggest that?

IMO the issue here is not about the change of bedrooms but about the discussion of how things will be expected to change once the OP has her own child.

If a couple had one child and were hypothetically talking about trying for another baby they wouldn’t be having discussions about how the older child could move into the smaller bedroom six or seven years down the line. They would ttc (or not) and face the room changes as and when they occurred.

But in this instance the OP is already talking about the DSD having to change rooms and how she might not be coming at that stage anyway and referring to her as “our” stepchild (which is telling in itself. It says that she already expects her partner to think of his two children differently.

The room change idea is not an unreasonable suggestion in itself, but could be brought about as and when the need arises.

What is unreasonable is the vibe that the stepchild already needs to make way for an as yet not conceived baby and the plans for her being a lesser part of their lives as the baby’s place in the household increases.

And in reality if the OP’s financial situation is already unstable due to the fact they have only her income the more immediate question is whether they can even afford to ttc a baby or should.

First of all I wouldn’t have a child unless married. You don’t want to find that your relationship breaksdown post baby and you might be financially vulnerable. Especially as your dp already has one failed serious relationship and there is the added stress of trying to get dsd to accept the new baby. Be smart protect yourself.

Then if you conceive, you plan to keep baby in your room until they are old enough to sleep in the box room.

By time your child is old enough to start asking why they are in the box room and not the big room you call a family meeting and thrash out a solution. Most likely your dsd will love her sibling because you have not pushed her away for a younger child. Then she will most likely offer to swap rooms. Your now dh will love both children equally and will know that swapping makes sense.

summer youre reading far too much into this. It seems to me op is just thinking practically.

I am booting step kids out of the big room when our new baby comes. I'm sorry, but they stay EOW and only really sleep in there. They have their own room at their home with their mum. My child comes first as it will be living with us 24/7!!!

Don't back down.

GivemeGivenchy
I don’t see anything wrong with that because your child will be there every day. I don’t understand why nr children get given bigger bedrooms just because they’re “the oldest”.

Some people are so overboard when it comes to sc.
If the dad spoils them he's a Disney dad but sc should also be prioritised over new kids and get the best of everything and be included in everything no matter how ridiculous it is. NRP and SM can't do anything right in the eyes of some mn'ers.

The fact is, she is using the bedroom 4 nights a month and she has a room at her mums. Your child is there full time and your going to squash them in a box room when there is a big room sat empty.

Ofcourse the resident child gets the bigger room. You may want a baby in the bigger room now so you can have a feeding chair in there for night feeds. Plus babies have a lot of stuff.

I would tell sd she can either have the small room and it will be hers and only hers. Or she can have the big room but it will also be a play room / communal room / storage for her and the new child.

I feel sorry for the younger children of those posters who think age = importance.

I think your husband is judging the situation on his daughter's likely reaction given she is already territorial about her space..
Some people/children won't have emotional attachment to rooms but others need to "nest"" and it's vital to them.
8 is also the as when change us difficuly.

I think you have to explore house moves but equally your husband and you may have to compromise significantly if finances tough..converting a room/garage could be an option.