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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I becoming the evil step mum ?

247 replies

Samsam66 · 26/01/2019 02:49

Let’s start from the beginning .. with partner for 6years. Engaged, lovely home and lovely step daughter. We have always wanted a child. However, in our 3 bed house, one of the rooms is very small. We discussed if we had a child that our step daughter (who has a large room) would move to the smaller room. I got some disgusting looks from my partner aka her dad. I only say this as we only have her every other weekend.. which mostly accumulates to less than 48hours. I feel that if we had a child living in our home (once past being a baby) they should have a bigger room? Now, he doesn’t want a child unless we get a bigger house just so we don’t hurt our step daughters feelings? Again, can I add we would make the smaller room beautiful, let her paint, buy some bits for the room, new bed sheets etc and explain why but that she would alway have a home here. Perhaps I am unrealistic but i feel putting ourselves in money troubles just to keep our step child happy is silly ?! I don’t know .. thoughts ?

OP posts:
flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 09:05

“my child will be the primary important child, step daughter is a part time visitor”
Its nothing to do with importance.

In reality though as much as sd is part of the family, she is "visiting" EOW. She doesn't reside there and it makes no practical sence at all for her to have a large space. It is wasted.

I cannot believe people are suggesting buying a larger house is a good idea. If they were both ops bio kids nobody would have suggested that.

flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 09:09

And everyone saying "view them equally"

If you were actually doing that you wouldn't thing that sd needed the bigger room

On here is expected that step children are treated better than children who live with both parents full time.

Thingsdogetbetter · 26/01/2019 09:11

Dsd will be 10 or older by the time baby needs a room. Give her a choice, make her feel like it's her decision. Exclusive use of smaller room decorated with raised bed etc (basically a teenager's room she gets to decorate) or big room which will also be also used as storage for baby things and that you will need access to when she's away.

I'd be more concerned that you are the sole earner for your family. Is that correct! Is oh going to be sahp? Does he ever financially contribute? But he's suggesting a bigger house that YOU alone will fund. And yes I, would say that if genders were reversed!

Stardustinmyeyes · 26/01/2019 09:12

This must be a first.
Step Mum hasn't been asked if she was the OW.

I too like the phrase borrowing trouble. Let the discussion stop now and revisit the subject when you have a child

ohreallyohreallyoh · 26/01/2019 09:13

dc are raised well, feel consistently loved and cared for, it's amazing how little of a shit they actually care for material things, like big bedrooms

Surely then it doesn’t matter which bedroom the resident child is in? Or is it only step children who’s morals are questioned (or better put, the step children’s mother’s morals?) should they just want to feel part of two families,100% of the time?

flamingofridays · 26/01/2019 09:19

Again, nothing to do with morals. Practicality.

SuperMam123 · 26/01/2019 09:19

I'm on the other end of the spectrum to you. My stepson has the biggest room, he comes every other weekend, and my son has the smallest room. My partner is stepdad to my son. My partner wants to give my son the biggest room as he thinks it's only fair because me and DS live in the house. He doesn't think it fair that my DS is cramped up in a small room when his DS is hardly here. I understand his point but I felt really cruel taking my stepson's room from him. It doesn't rest well with me. Although I don't think you're being a wicked stepmother, I can understand your partners shock at the suggestion.

SuperMam123 · 26/01/2019 09:21

I should add my DS is 5 and my stepson is 9. My DS has never asked why stepson has a bigger room but if he did I'd tell him it's because he is the oldest and was here first.

brizzledrizzle · 26/01/2019 09:27

The second child gets the smallest bedroom, it makes no difference is one is a stepchild or not. It's how it is in millions of homes up and down the country.

IJustLostTheGame · 26/01/2019 09:29

OP we had the same problem.
Put the baby in the box room. Realistically you've got a few years before they need their own space.
Dsd had the bigger bedroom in our house, she was 10 and liked having sleepovers with a friend staying over too. I always told her when dd got bigger she would need more space as she was here all the time so in the future they would swap.
Dd is 6 now and about to go in the bigger room as she wants somewhere to play with her friends now and have her toys in her room. Dsd is fine with it. She's happy with her iPad and make up stuff so I've put a big mirror on the back of the door and got a load of shelves from IKEA. She has sleepovers in the sitting room as that way she has the big telly and her friends and her can the kitchen in the middle of the night.

SuperMam123 · 26/01/2019 09:30

Maybe once your child is born and is older have them share the big room and use the small room as a walk in wardrobe type thing. Your stepdaughter might then choose to have the smaller room to herself rather than share. And please ignore the nasty replies, there is absolutely no need for some of it!

howabout · 26/01/2019 09:32

brizzled. This is very much not the case ime. Usually DC share until the oldest one demands their own room. They get the small room in return for the privilege but they usually still have to give it up for guests.

Whatafustercluck · 26/01/2019 09:34

Surely then it doesn’t matter which bedroom the resident child is in? Or is it only step children who’s morals are questioned (or better put, the step children’s mother’s morals?) should they just want to feel part of two families,100% of the time?

  1. Purely on practicalities, the resident child will need more space as they get older. We do a disservice to step children when we assume they cannot understand this.
  2. They can feel part of two families. We are talking about a room in a house that is used for a fraction of the available time. Do we stop being part of a family when we move out as adults and get our own places?
coplings · 26/01/2019 09:34

@flamingofridays step mothers can never win. This is the problem. Put your own child first then you get accused of not accepting your step children as part of the family.

Put the step child first....'what about your 'own' dc?'

I'm a step mum. I've just had a baby. I have 2 step children. The older one is great. The younger one has become extremely jealous. His dad is spending every day with his new baby boy and not him. If we moved his bedroom....that's not going to help him.

Granted I haven't read the whole thread about the financial reasons....but I have been where op is.

I've said I can see why she would want her own child to have the bigger room. It makes perfect sense. I'd be the same. But I think the step daughters feelings should come above this.

At the very least, let the step daughter get used to the new baby first. Then consider changing bedrooms.

howabout · 26/01/2019 09:35

Supermam if your younger DS is happy with the smaller room I would leave it as is. Less space for him to make a mess of and leaves the bigger room free for other uses most of the time.

youaremyrain · 26/01/2019 09:36

It makes no sense for the second bedroom to be used for only four nights a month.

Children do not NEED their own rooms.

If you go on to have a child, they can share the big room with DSD so they have space to play and share it for four nights a month.

If DSD doesn't like sharing, she can have the luxury of privacy in the box room when she comes.

Dodie66 · 26/01/2019 09:41

Question for you. If it was your own daughter in the larger room would you move her to the smaller room when the baby arrives? I think you are being unreasonable

Beebee8 · 26/01/2019 09:43

I was jealous of my older sister's smaller room as a child, she grumbled at some point but wouldn't actually swap with me when I asked! We then moved and both had little rooms. Box rooms can be great little dens/caves for teenagers!

WTBE · 26/01/2019 09:47

YANBU but I wouldn't worry too much about it now.

I was around 12/13 when I moved bedrooms for my new sibling, I didn't resent it and we still are extremely close.

Also depends how small the actual room is.

funinthesun19 · 26/01/2019 09:47

The second child gets the smallest bedroom, it makes no difference is one is a stepchild or not. It's how it is in millions of homes up and down the country.

Well then my partner’s ex shouldn’t be moaning about the “lack of space” for all of her son’s toys because she shoved him in a box room in favour of his older sister who is in a large bedroom just because she’s “older”. It makes absolutely no sense basing it all on age!

strangerthongs · 26/01/2019 09:49

Poor DSD, you sound horrid

Put the baby in the small room. When the baby gets older you can move or re-evaluate the situation.

Treat the children equally, regardless of how often you see her. It seems she's already taking second place to a baby that doesn't even exist yet, and may never exist if you continue to piss off your DP

Witchend · 26/01/2019 09:49

It's an interesting situation on here that people's reaction to a 18yo going off to university is "they can't have the larger room/any room at all. They'll understand this and shouldn't make a fuss"-yet they'll potentially be back in the family home for around 20 weeks a year (working on 3 x 10 week terms)
Yet when it's a step child being there EOW-the equivalent of less than 8 weeks in a year, they can't be expected to have a smaller room, and will feel pushed out if they are asked to do this.

OP, a box room will be fine for the baby until they're about 4 or 5yo. By then the SD will be at least teenage, and not only will things have changed by then, and you can discuss it then. You may find your dc doesn't want to move out of "their room", you may find the teen herself suggests it.

eurochick · 26/01/2019 09:51

Time might resolve this. If you get pregnant within a few months, baby will be born a year from now. By the time it is 5-6 and playing upstairs rather than downstairs with parents (and arguably in need of more space) the step-daughter will be about 15. Contact could be entirely different by then (because at that point she will be dictating it more and spending weekend time with friends and so on) and your financial situation could look very different. No point overthinking it now. It's a long way off.

ChasedByBees · 26/01/2019 09:52

I think you have a sensible option OP.

Another thing could be that they share the large room and the smaller room is a study space?

It can be fun sleepovers when they’re young and when they want more privacy, moving DSD into the smaller room wouldn’t be such a big deal.

BeatNickBeamer · 26/01/2019 09:53

This is a real issue. AT the moment you hardly have step daughter to stay at all. Surely this might change in the future? What if she wants to spend more time with her dad?

This is a huge difficulty with step children - they're at neither house full time so from a practical perspective it makes sense for the full time resident kids to have the bigger/better rooms, because they'll make use of it more often. That leaves the step kids second best in two homes.