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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?

208 replies

MrsPeony · 25/01/2019 21:50

Hi,

A friend of my DD (6yo) has had her hair shaved.... think grade one all over. She’s very fair so looks bald. It was previously beautiful, long and well looked after.
I don’t know her family but they have always looked normal at school pick up.

I asked DD about it and she said “because she had bugs in it, she hates it and was crying in school”.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out, and well, concerned for the little girl? Surely an extreme way of dealing with nits??

OP posts:
NothingOnTellyAgain · 26/01/2019 14:50

Ah the cultural relativity stuff.

Yes you're right - that causes massive issues.

I think it is used as an excuse usually though by people who don't really care in the first place. Rather than actually being the reason IYSWIM.

SmileEachDay · 26/01/2019 14:58

Yep I’d agree with that Nothing -

I think further highlighting people who don’t give a shit by changing our use of language can be really effective - a bit like calling it child abuse rather than “child pornography”.

Anyway. Derailing. It’s ridiculous equating it with short hair.

CherryPavlova · 26/01/2019 17:21

FGM is not a ‘social construct’. To minimise it thus feels almost as if it is being condoned. It’s hardly comparable to a shaved head (although that is very unkind if not the child’s wish).
FGM is the sexual and physical abuse of girls and women that is life threatening. It allows the continual oppression and sexual exploitation of girls and women. It destroys many lives.
Let’s not confuse that with a particularly insensitive, dim and crass way of dealing with head lice. Vulvas do not grow back.

sonneedshelp · 26/01/2019 17:38

My son has severe alopecia, it's utterly traumatised him and his self esteem.

For those saying it's just hair and shouldn't be traumatic......you're wrong, very wrong!

As PP said up thread report, it's better safe than sorry.

Poor little girl.

hickerydickerydockmouse · 26/01/2019 22:27

When I was a kid a neighbour girl had her long hair shaved due to nits. She had beautiful hair but obviously it might have been very bad. Luckily no kid made fun of her. My own younger sister had nits once. She had very thick hair and they went unnoticed for ages till I found them in my hair. When we checked her hair, it was bad. Like getting 50 nits out after moving the comb once bad. It was disgusting. We treated her hair for like 5 times and got them really really short. And then treated them again and again till they went. SO yes it might have been really bad and the parents might not have the energy to deal with it.

ReaganSomerset · 27/01/2019 00:10

I can't believe that some people are equating holding a child down and cutting off her clitoris and labia without any anaesthesia while she screams in pain and terror, risking death through blood loss and infection, then tying her legs together until it all heals over (about seven weeks), leaving only a tiny hole for menstrual blood that has to be ripped open for sex and cut open for childbirth, with a bad haircut!

We do things to children for the sake of their health even though they'd rather us not sometimes as they aren't old enough to rationally make their own choices. I certainly never volunteered for an inoculation or blood draw. Yes, there are other methods they could have used but hair does grow back and it's better to be bald than lice infested, from a welfare point of view. Also, some parents have very little in the way of spare funds or spare time for intensive headlice treatment. On its own, without malice or cruelty, as a treatment for a health condition or problem- not abusive.

LuvSmallDogs · 27/01/2019 00:49

I’ve buzzed DS1’s hair against his will and have no regrets.

Playschool had kids not being treated for nits reinfecting the class over and over, and DS1 got fed up with the comb and stopped cooperating. Wiry, thick, shoulder length curls combined with violent thrashing made it impossible to check or treat his hair properly.

So I told him, you let me check your hair, or I will cut it all off. He wouldn’t let me check his hair, so it got cut off. He was allowed to grow it back, as he became more cooperative about the comb now he knew I was serious.

HoppingPavlova · 27/01/2019 05:43

Teaching staff won’t have failed to have notice it and no matter how posters on here are trying to minimise things, shaving a child’s head is not a usual or normal thing to do in the UK.

God I’m glad we don’t have such judgy teachers here. One of mine had a shaved head (no 1 all over but blonde so looked bald) from starting school until older teenage years. They were very happy with their (lack of) hair. They couldn’t stand a comb/brush. It was nice and cool in summer and in winter they just wore a beanie except when actually in class. Worked really well for sports, cool, didn’t get as sweaty and for swimming they just gave their head a wipe and wella dry hair. Complete bonus as when our family went through the never ending regular nit treatments everyone one else suffered ‘the comb’ and they just needed it rubbed over their head, no hair to comb through Grin. Still had the odd nit though, poor nits had nowhere to go so you would see the unlucky one that had hopped on walk across their forehead probably in a desperate quest for hair thinking eyebrows were the go????

On starting high school I did check with the school that it was not considered an ‘extreme’ style as per their guidelines and was told it was no problem and they considered it very sensible!

newnameforthis7 · 27/01/2019 11:29

@Luvsmalldogs

How the fuck did you shave your DS's hair against his will? Confused

Did you taser him and tie him up?!

Coz when I was a kid, if someone has tried to pin me down to shave my head, I'd have fucking nutted them. Yeah, even my parents.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 11:57

@LuvSmallDogs you buzzed it off against his will? That sounds horrific did he scream, cry etc?

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 11:59

@HoppingPavlova but that was your DCs choice, the child in question is upset about it! Totally different!

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 27/01/2019 13:23

I bet that HoppingPavlova’s DC is a DS as well.

HollowTalk · 27/01/2019 13:32

This has just reminded me that in my primary school the nit nurse would come in and if anyone had nits they would come back into the room with a letter to take home (so it was pretty obvious who had them) but also if the boys had them, they would come back in with a shaved head!

LuvSmallDogs · 27/01/2019 15:20

Yeah, he cried screamed and thrashed. So fucking what, he already did that with the comb/ treatment. DH bear hugged him while I buzzed it. It wasn’t fun, but I’ve pinned screaming children to brush their teeth, administer medicine and have them immunized, big whoop.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 16:16

You sound absolutely delightful @LuvSmallDogs. A fairly unique parenting style you have!

Never had to force teeth-brushing or immunisation by brute force myself,

Squickety · 27/01/2019 16:21

My mum hacked off all my hair with scissors into a short boys hair style when I was about that age, just because there were nits at the school and she didn't want to have to deal with it. I was so upset, I remember crying as she cut it off and begging her not to. It's a horrible thing to do unless it's cultural (in which case I assume the children would expect it if they've seen it as the norm).

BasilFaulty · 27/01/2019 16:59

Yeah, he cried screamed and thrashed. So fucking what

Jesus Christ

LuvSmallDogs · 27/01/2019 20:03

RIght, so I was supposed to leave him with hair I couldn’t comb through for nits or treat for them, when his preschool was having an epidemic of them the likes of which the owner had never seen before? Because some people would probably suggest that was neglect. This way was unpleasant, but once it was over he had hair I could check once or twice a week and treat without the screaming and thrashing that had previously accompanied it.

I’m not my children’s BFF, I am their mother, and if that means wrestling to give prescribed medicine/treat nits etc so be it. I try every other alternative, explaining why they need it, bribery, but if it has to be done it has to be done.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 20:17

I think for me it was the he screamed and cried but so fucking what, that made me feel very very uneasy.

I've not known any parents that would be that unbothered by their child being upset? You sound very abusive if I'm honest... I mean the common denominator on this website is children and very few parents resort to physically restraining and having a so fucking what attitude. I'm sure your child will remember the event for ever though....and like others on this thread who are now adults will remember with upset.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/01/2019 21:01

My kid screamed and cried when I held her down for anaesthetic for an MRI. I'd do it again whether she screamed and cried or not. I might well have expressed it the same way if I'd been talking about it on here when arguing with a bunch of grown ups. Doesn't mean I didn't care that she screamed and cried, just that it wasn't relevant to what I had to get done for her sake.

ReaganSomerset · 27/01/2019 21:24

Well put, @boomboomscousin. I hope your DD is OK.

Charlie97 · 27/01/2019 21:27

@BoomBoomsCousin did you have a so fucking what attitude or a I'm doing this for my child's ultimate benefit attitude?

Lavenderee · 27/01/2019 21:31

My dad and his partner cut my long hair into a horrible short boys style when I was eleven. I am still traumatised by it, I didn’t get my hair cut for over a decade at one point. This poor little girl. This is so damaging.

Lavenderee · 27/01/2019 21:34

@luvsmalldogs, you sound like an absolute nightmare of a mother. Is it only small dogs you love, or do your kids get a scrap of affection and empathy every now and then?

Stuckforthefourthtime · 27/01/2019 21:41

I bet that HoppingPavlova’s DC is a DS as well

Agree. Similarly I posted my concern about being told that one of my DSs is likely to grow not much more than 5" and got a whole load of posters shocked that I was concerned as they were 5" and just fine Hmm I'm all for being gender neutral, but we all also have to live in the real world, where some physical attributes - like little girls with shaven heads, or grown men of 5"1 - make people stand out in a way that most would not enjoy.