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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?

208 replies

MrsPeony · 25/01/2019 21:50

Hi,

A friend of my DD (6yo) has had her hair shaved.... think grade one all over. She’s very fair so looks bald. It was previously beautiful, long and well looked after.
I don’t know her family but they have always looked normal at school pick up.

I asked DD about it and she said “because she had bugs in it, she hates it and was crying in school”.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out, and well, concerned for the little girl? Surely an extreme way of dealing with nits??

OP posts:
HoomanMoomin · 26/01/2019 02:45

I would class this as abusive if it's not cultural.

That’s ridiculous. So if it’s done to clear the head of parasites, it’s abuse, but if it’s done because “my mother, and her mother, and her mother too - all did it”, it’s not abuse?
One is the necessity, the other is “just something that is done”.

Unless it’s done to make child cry/embarrass them, it is not an abuse.

nokidshere · 26/01/2019 03:08

Luckily the children ended up in foster care

"Luckily"? Clearly you have never been in care Confused

It's not something I would do but it's really not the end of the world. Hair grows back and she won't be the first little girl to have her head shaved. I also wouldn't take a 6 yr olds word for why it was shaved in the first place.

gamerwidow · 26/01/2019 03:25

I think it's pretty awful that we have a culture where a shaved head is devastating
I have no problem with girls having short hair if they want it. My own DD(8) has cropped hair through choice but I think it’s cruel to force children of either sex to do something as drastic as shave their hair off against their will when head lice can be so easily treated in other ways with a bit of effort.

Alaria44 · 26/01/2019 08:29

Schmoobarb

Chill. Apologies for the sarky response.
Headlice get my back up like nothing else can... Especially when you have a DD who's always had long hair and when you have parents that do not care about the state of their poor children's hair and it becomes my problem. In my experience, most do care but at my DDs school, this is the 3rd year where she's friends with a child with a constant headlice problem. Can't exactly tell her she cannot play with said child as that's cruel so I just have to deal with it.

I read your other comment though and I'm the same... Keep mine short too but agree, wouldn't resort to shaving it. Grin

SayNoToCarrots · 26/01/2019 08:37

My mum shaved my thick curly hair when I was six because we were going to live in a hot country (!). I didn't love it, but I'm ok. I had to explain to every new person I met that I wasn't a boy though.

HighwayDragon1 · 26/01/2019 08:43

I teach in secondary and thr are a few kids that have had to have this done. In one case the girl had a visibly sore and scarred head from the lice! It happens and if the infestation is too bad then it is the only way to control it.

formerbabe · 26/01/2019 08:43

The thing is, in some cultures, it's a common thing to do. In this instance, who knows why it's been done...there could be a very valid reason.

However, gratuitously shaving a child's head for no reason if the child does not want that is abusive. I can only imagine how traumatizing that would be and how different/vulnerable they would feel going into school after having it done.

I think we find it distressing and shocking to see due to a historical background of the holocaust...and because so often a lack of hair is associated with being seriously ill.

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 08:52

There could be a madical reason for the hair loss that the parents don’t want to be common knowledge and that the child may not yet be fully aware of. The school obviously know she has had her head shaved and will act if necessary. Nothing you need to do op other than ensure your child is kind about it.

Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 09:02

It is neglectful alaria when I found mine had them it was at night and I went straight to a late night chemist and bought the stuff and stayed up to silly o’clock treating them. I couldn’t bear to send them out with them the next day both for their own sake and other people’s, it’s rank.

brizzledrizzle · 26/01/2019 09:06

You don't need to do anything - the school will obviously know and they will have procedures for dealing with this is if not normal for the family culture and/or they suspect abuse.

Tuwu · 26/01/2019 09:11

Luckily"? Clearly you have never been in care

CP is an expert on foster care.

Maryjoyce · 26/01/2019 09:11

Most headlice treatments are expensive and useless however I found a fully effective treatment in Asia and they never have returned in 5 years now.
It’s very cheap and works and nothing as drastic as cutting hair off.
The powder is actually for treating animals like dogs cats poultry etc for mites and parasites but it works with one single treatment and they don’t return.
Yes embarrassing if they see the packet that it’s for animals but anything that works with no side effects is good and I tried on myself first.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:13

@helacells

Totally normal in many cultures.

Which ones? Name them,

Also, this doesn't change the fact it's NOT totally normal in many countries.

No matter how people try to flower it up, and say it's perfectly OK, it IS cruel - and borderline abusive to shave a little girl's head against her will. As I said, I simply cut my daughter's to shoulder length, (which she was happy with and it was not against her will.) No need to shave it all off at all.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:13

*Not totally normal in many CULTURES!

Mayrhofen · 26/01/2019 09:14

So sad. I spent many happy hours on an evening combing dds very long conditioned hair when she got lice. I was almost sorry when there wasn’t a single dried up nit egg left to hunt.

After that she went to school with tight plaits though!

Maryjoyce · 26/01/2019 09:15

As too the poster who’s ok if it’s cultural does that mean your happy about FGM and other sick things that are cultural too ?

Beachtimeyay · 26/01/2019 09:17

I don't see a problem. Its just hair, the child is obviously not distressed.

My dad used to cut my hair all the time in primary school. My dad is African so it's common for females to cut hair short.

MintyT · 26/01/2019 09:18

I've found this so upsetting I cannot read more than a few posts. I think it refers me to baby peter. One photo lovely blond hair then shave off.

HoppingPavlova · 26/01/2019 09:19

I definitely considered it after 3 years of constant infestation in the household. You can treat hair all you like but if other kids at school constantly have it then it becomes futile. Not sure about the UK but here a child can not be banned from school because they have lice. In the end I just aimed to minimise the lice burden given eradication proved impossible. It wasn’t until mine were in high school that they left our householdSad.

I have a friend who after years and years of fighting for a lice free household took extreme measures and shaved everyone’s head, girls as well as boys AND both parents. No one was happy but I understand it, certainly wouldn’t judge it and would never consider that abusive. They also found that as their youngest moved into high school they were finally able to eradicate it for good.

Alaria44 · 26/01/2019 09:19

Schmoobarb see, yes that was so inconvenient (I can imagine!) and annoying but what's the alternate? Leave your child with headlice? I don't understand why anyone would.
I've had to treat in the morning as the comb job clearly didn't cut it the night before so I phoned school and said she would come in when I had it treated, as like you said it's not just about our own children, it's also spreading it to others.
I'm itching now

GreenTulips · 26/01/2019 09:21

Do social services get involved if a boy's head is shaved?

That was my thought as well

I have DDs with long thick hair and sometimes thought it would be easier to cut their hair off - never did - but the thought was there

Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 09:22

As too the poster who’s ok if it’s cultural does that mean your happy about FGM and other sick things that are cultural too ?

This. Something is either abuse or it’s not. And if it is “culture” is no justification for it.

Beachtimeyay · 26/01/2019 09:24

Try using a bit comb through curly or kinky hair

evaperonspoodle · 26/01/2019 09:27

I have heard about this being flagged up as a CP issue before. It does seem to be a common solution to headlice in some cultures/ethnicities, where hair is often long, families large and parents maybe working 12 hours a day. Certainly not pleasant but in no way comparable to FGM Hmm

evaperonspoodle · 26/01/2019 09:28

Schoo in CP there are shades of grey in between what is abuse and what is not. If only it was that simple!