DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?

[MrsPeony]

Hi,

A friend of my DD (6yo) has had her hair shaved.... think grade one all over. She’s very fair so looks bald. It was previously beautiful, long and well looked after.
I don’t know her family but they have always looked normal at school pick up.

I asked DD about it and she said “because she had bugs in it, she hates it and was crying in school”.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out, and well, concerned for the little girl? Surely an extreme way of dealing with nits??

formerbabe, you missed the first half of my sentence. I wouldn't shave a child's head if they weren't okay with it, but I don't think sex comes into it. My 12 year old DS wouldn't want his head shaved, so I wouldn't do it. As a girl I would have been okay with it, and had it shaved myself in my teens. Yes, it attracts more attention as a girl, but I think it depends on the child and what they are comfortable with.

HellsBells - it's a peculiar thing to end up so traumatised by, really, but the memories of being walloped with a hairbrush, of all things, are very jarring. I'm sorry you endured similar. My mother judges a woman's worth on the length of her hair. When my daughter was 11 and about to start secondary school, my mother took her to the hairdressers and instructed them to give her short back and sides. I knew nothing about this until my crying daughter arrived back home. That was the first time I shaved my head. Now, my daughter cannot have her hair cut so that it's shoulder-length - because of that haircut (it led to her being homophobically bullied at the school, as she genuinely looked like she was male with it - I went bald in an effort to teach her that we are more than our hair!). My son's hair is below his chin, and every time my mother sees him it's "I'll tie it up with a pink ribbon!". She, herself, has straggly hair that's waist length now. Not plaited, mind, but Croydon Facelifted. The one thing that strikes me about my experiences? It was my mother's father who had my hair cut off... and how much happier I look with shorter hair in all of the photos of that summer/the next school photograph that autumn. I've been told that I had welts left from the hairbrush... yet no one did anything for at least 4 years, before my grandfather couldn't stomach my screaming twice a day, on the second day of the holidays.

That's abuse.

A little girl having her hair shaved off for reasons which the OP isn't actually privy to...?!!

We also had the nit nurse come in every 6 weeks to check everyone. That helped a lot!
The Nurses were employed by the NHS not the school, as some parents think, and it was found that termly check ups didn't help as infestations in between went unnoticed. That is why it was stopped.

I don't know why there seem to be more nowadays maybe we just weren't aware of them as children. I didn't know of anyone with head lice when I was at school in the 60s but there were plenty when I was teaching in the 80s and 90s and onwards. It is also said that the lice are resistant to the shampoos now and my Local Authority always recommended combing through with a nit comb and hair conditioner. I did this with my own hair every time I washed it although I never found any.

There was a family of boys in the last school I worked in who regularly had their hair shaved. It was supposedly due to nits. In a secondary school of 800 students they were the only family who did this. And yes, this particular family was most definitely on the radar by the school and SS due to abuse; neglect and other forms. Sadly all are now in care. They were boys, not girls and even so, their grade 1 all over hairstyles made them instantly stand out.

I’d be horrified at your DD’s friend’s hair. It would make me suspect abuse, certainly.

My dd used to get nits regularly. It’s very frustrating, drove me nuts!! I never even considered shaving her head. That’s just awful. You don’t need to use the treatments if your child can’t tolerate them, combing with a good nit Combe every 2 days for 2 or 3 weeks will do it. Poor girl!

I think plenty of little girls would be happy to have short hair if it weren't for cultural expectation. Anyone noticed how lots of year 7 girls cut their hair really short? And have often grown it back by year 8/9 because they can't be arsed with the constant comments. My girls would have been happy to have very short hair. Sadly, their father persuaded them not to because 'they'd look like boys'.

There’s a big difference between a short, cropped hairstyle and a shaved head though.

Zero issues with a short hairstyle on a girl. Shaved heads have dreadful connotations for me though.

Why do people keep saying it’s only a haircut or there’s nothing wrong with little girls having short hair? This isn’t a short hairstyle. She now has no hair at all. She looks totally bald. She apparently told the op’s child that she had bugs in her hair, the family are not from a different culture, the child was very upset at her hair being shaved off and it’s been shaved off to a number one so not fallen out for medical reasons. It’s easy to tell the difference between hair that’s been intentionally shaved off and hair that has fallen out. I’ve worked with children with cancer or who’ve had brain surgery and the family will usually be very sensitive to the child feeling different and encourage them to have fun with different scarves, hats and bandanas.

Boys are often banned from school for having shaved heads or shaved parts in their hairstyle. That’s seen as extreme. An upset little girl who has had all her hair shaved off? I work with children and this would raise red flags with me. I think the school will make enquiries as to what’s going on at home. Teaching staff won’t have failed to have notice it and no matter how posters on here are trying to minimise things, shaving a child’s head is not a usual or normal thing to do in the UK. Especially for nits.

I’ve felt like shaving my DDs head when she kept getting nits. We’d Check every week, get rid and then bang she’d get them again because some parents are just too lazy to deal with it. For 3 years she had nits pretty much constantly. It is soul destroying especially when our eldest wasn’t getting them at all. So I can see how shaving the hair to remove the source can seem like an easy option.
It is a drastic thing to do though!
To be honest There were times when I wanted to shave all the kids I the class!

As too the poster who’s ok if it’s cultural does that mean your happy about FGM and other sick things that are cultural too

This. Something is either abuse or it’s not. And if it is “culture” is no justification for it

Oh my. Did two posters just agree that a girl being given a very short haircut is in some way equivalent to FGM. That is massively, massively offensive. Short/long hair is entirely a social construct. FGM is VAWG. Don’t be such dicks.

Totally didn’t finish off my sentence about being able to tell the difference between hair that’s been shaved off and hair that’s fallen out. With chemo, all your hair falls out, brows, lashes, body hair. Certain forms of Alopecia also have a similar effect on brows and lashes. If remaining hair has been clippered off it would be patchy where hair had started falling out. Often before starting chemo or having surgery on the head, a child might have their hair cut shorter to minimise the trauma when it starts to fall out or need shaved. Then parents would be sensitive to the child’s needs, allowing them to cover their head if losing their hair has upset them (it doesn’t always).

The way this child’s parents have gone about it, no matter what the reasons, is humiliating for the child.

Thankyou to those who have been supportive of my post.
I appreciate it.

Dd 11 who has Asd and sensory issues, has to have her hair short and easy to manage, as she hates her hair being brushed, melts down at the slightest touch of a hairbrush. Even if she does it, it is not properly. She understands this.

Is she allowed to have a shaved head at school? Most have rules around minimum length don't they?

I agree that the expectations around girls and hair are sexist. Crowning glory and all that bollocks, that our worth is linked to our looks, being "pretty".

However this child is tiny and not making a strong feminist statement! In our culture it is not usual to shave little kids hair esp girls, in fact definitely not girls, so this action is unusual. And the girl was crying? I'd say there might be something up yes.

@Aeroflotgirl do you shave your daughter’s head? If not, it’s not really comparable at all. No one seems to have a problem with girls with short hair, especially if that’s what they want.

A visibly upset child who has been shaved bald and hates it is a totally different matter.

FGM is also a social condtruct but agree that drawing equivalence is ridiculous.

The post does remind me of that girl in the USA whose dad shaved all her hair off as a punishment >

Shaving girls hair has often been used as a threat / punishment BECAUSE we put such massive value on it in our (and similar) cultures.

A lot of religions eg are weird as all fuck about womens hair (and some about men). Yes hair is hair but you can't pretend that culturally and esp on women it is treated as much more.

FGM is also a social condtruct

It isn’t. Framing it as such gives it a measure of legitimacy. It’s VAWG.

When I say it's a social construct I mean that if preference for ling hair is a social construct then so is preference to mutilate girls genitals.

They are in no way equivalent though and it's ridiculous to suggest so. Hair grows back, damage is psychological if there is any. FGM is physical violence harm injury and can cause permanent pain and death.

God id have been devastated if my mum did this to me. I had bad lice and she would sit every night with the nit comb and conditioner for hours.

Most of us would be very upset to have our head shaved against our will as adults - why are some thinking it's okay just because she's a child?

And this is not a short hairstyle ffs - she's a skin head. No hair whatsoever. It's completely different.

Oh xposts

You cant' describe one as a social construct and one not.

They are both expectations around what girls will do / be / have because they are girls. They both come from a place of misogyny. They are both related to girls (women) as sex objects.

They are in no way equilvant though and I'm a bit boggled that someone upthread has drawn that comparison.

No I wouldn't shave it off, though my Armenian friend advised me too, when dd was 3 as it wod grow thicker, it is quite thin. No dd is happy with a graduated Bob, she does not do the whole girly thing anyway.

Child abuse? Wtaf. I’d rather shave my kids hair off than lose my job because of countless missed days of work because of repeated lice issues brought on by other parents not dealing with it. I’ve been there. Correlating shaving a kid’s hair and FGM is not only false equivalency, it’s foolish and offensively undermines the damage of FGM.

OP you commented that the girl seemed upset? Did your DC go into any more detail? If thats the case, then its obvious the little girl didn’t want it doing.
I am a hairdresser and head lice is very common. To not be able to get rid of them though is absolute BS, but prevention is better than cure. Always tie hair up for school (if length allows) use tea tree shampoo and conditioner, avoiding the eyes. These can be purchased at most pound stores, so need not be expensive. A light spray of hairspray all over the hair every morning can help too. Head lice do not jump! Think of them more crap like. They have pincers and only climb from head to head with contact. There are so many products that will get rid of them, just persevere. A shorter hair cut may help if hair is always tangled. Bedding and towels can harbour them for a short while, so boil wash them after one use if head lice still present.

Yes, I understand what you mean re FGM being a social construct - you’re right, but it’s a term that leads to people legitimising abusive situations, or being scared to challenge because they don’t want to be racist.

If we call it violence against females, or abuse, it is more likely to be challenged. Same with “ child marriage” - a social construct for sure, but more accurately described as being child sexual exploitation.

It helps smash this stuff if you separate it from “cultures”.