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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?

208 replies

MrsPeony · 25/01/2019 21:50

Hi,

A friend of my DD (6yo) has had her hair shaved.... think grade one all over. She’s very fair so looks bald. It was previously beautiful, long and well looked after.
I don’t know her family but they have always looked normal at school pick up.

I asked DD about it and she said “because she had bugs in it, she hates it and was crying in school”.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out, and well, concerned for the little girl? Surely an extreme way of dealing with nits??

OP posts:
Alaria44 · 26/01/2019 09:28

In our school (UK) it's now classed as discrimination to send a child home with headlice. I get it to a point, it's not fair a child's education should suffer because their responble adult won't treat their headlice but the teachers aren't even allowed to point out the infestation to the parent so if they go unchallenged, what will change? Why should other children have to suffer headlice and also parents suffer the cost associated.

Ironmanrocks · 26/01/2019 09:29

I haven't read the full thread...but....do you think the school haven't noticed? Her class teacher has probably flagged something up if it is necessary and will have spoken to the child. It's their job.

glamorousgrandmother · 26/01/2019 09:31

Sometimes with the families that always have head lice it's because they do treat the child concerned but not other members of the family - parents, grandparents etc. need to be included. Unfortunately, they don't always understand this and I have had parents accusing me, as the teacher, of giving their children headlice or telling me I have to treat it because they've had enough.

The reason it happens less in secondary school is probably because there is less head to head contact between children than at primary school. The lice literally walk from one head to another they don't jump. I have been told than adult males rarely get headlice because of the testosterone also that those with Afro hair are less likely to be affected because the hair products used put the lice off. As a teacher, I used to coat my hair liberally with hair spray and combined with trying to discourage Nursery/Reception aged children from laying their heads on my shoulders this prevented me from getting them (I was warned as a student that it is a bit of an occupational hazard).

Cantthinkofabloodyname · 26/01/2019 09:32

What if the child has got hold of the hair clippers and decided to give herself a "hair cut"? I know I did when I was little. I had not long had my hair cut at the hairdressers, when I decided to cut a chunk out of my fringe.
I have known other kids to attack their hair with clippers without thinking it through, as kids don't have the rationality of doing that.

TheQueef · 26/01/2019 09:33

I had mine shaved when I was seven. I adopted a thug persona at school to counter the bullying.
I still can't believe she did it decades later.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:34

@Maryjoyce

As to the poster who’s ok if it’s cultural does that mean your happy about FGM and other sick things that are cultural too?

Excellent point! Maybe the posters(s) saying that can answer that! Wink

should social services get involved if a boy's head is shaved too?

I can't believe someone actually asked this. There is no comparison. The two scenarios are not even remotely the same. Hmm

This is as daft and pointless as saying 'other cultures do it!'

So WHAT if other cultures do it?! Doesn't mean every culture should - or that it's OK to do it to one culture, because other cultures do it...

As a pp said, should we ALL copy what other cultures do.... FGM? Forced marriage? Women being classed as second rate citizens, girls being denied education....

Fact is - the fact that other cultures shave girls heads is utterly irrelevant.

Oblomov19 · 26/01/2019 09:35

I feel strongly about this, but MN doesn't agree with me. I don't think it's necessarily abusive.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:36

@Cantthinkofabloodyname

What if the child has got hold of the hair clippers and decided to give herself a "hair cut"? I know I did when I was little. I had not long had my hair cut at the hairdressers, when I decided to cut a chunk out of my fringe.

This is NOT what happened! FFS read the thread properly. Even reading the original post properly would have helped!!!!

The girl had it done against her will, and is very unhappy, and was crying about it at school!

datingconfusion · 26/01/2019 09:37

The school should explore this further and consider referral. The decision has harmed her emotional wellbeing.

snowbear66 · 26/01/2019 09:38

It was totally normal for my dad's generation in the UK in the 40's.
I have never seen this in any school my children went to, and there were plenty of outbreaks! Very odd in the light of modern treatments which work so well.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 09:40

@snowbear66

it was totally normal for my dad's generation in the 40's

Yeah for boys. Hmm

littlebillie · 26/01/2019 09:46

I can't believe some of you are saying it is just hair! You are a child and your identity has been changed and you have to deal with it. Very sad for the child!

Aenn · 26/01/2019 09:47

Hmmmmm
I’m not sure on this one.
My dd has been in a class full of girls with hair down to their bums. She kept catching nits over and over. We were combing and treating all the time, it was ridiculous. We managed to get rid over the summer holidays only for her to be infested 3 weeks into the new term. It’s expensive, frustrating and time consuming. It did cross my mind to get her a grade 2 shave of the whole lot! Not sure I could have gone through with it but the frustration of nits was never ending. I wouldn’t judge the mother who did this. And personally think as a society we are a bit hair obsessed.

Aventurine · 26/01/2019 09:48

@OkPedro Apparently it has antibacterial, antifungal, and anthelmintic properties. I don't know what anthelmintic is. I only knew about it because i watched the new version of Picnic at Hanging Rock over the summer and one of the girls said she'd had her head shaved and painted with gentian violet when she was in the orphanage. I have a feeling that was because she'd run away though

SkylightAndChandelier · 26/01/2019 09:50

I can't believe someone actually asked this. There is no comparison. The two scenarios are not even remotely the same. hmm

Rather depends on the boy - yes, if I gave DS1, who's always had various short styles a grade 3 no-one would think it that strange (including him), but if I did it to DS2, who's always had a long mop of curls it would be very odd - and extremely upsetting for him.

I honestly find the nit thing odd - my kids have been to school in 4 countries, and in each, kids were checked for nits, and not allowed back until clear - just like for vomitting etc. As a result, nits were very rare.

If a child is persistently missing school for any reason, or not getting needed medical treatment, various services will get involved - I don't actually see that nits should be any different to anything else there.

MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 26/01/2019 09:52

Slightly off topic, but why is it that so many children seem to get nits these days? When I was at school (3 different ones) nobody had them at all - well as far as I know - there was no noticeable scratching of heads, etc.

Becca19962014 · 26/01/2019 09:58

I think context is needed, but even then you might not get at the root of if you should be concerned. I can see how it would appear to be a minor thing, and yes if the child wanted it/did it themselves/is ill I understand people saying there's no issue.

BUT

One of the ways my parents punished me was to shave my head. I'd then be suspended from school for it being too short. No concerns were ever raised despite me being repeatedly suspended.

My parents did and still "look totally normal".

And yes, it did cause me emotional harm.

ShadyLady53 · 26/01/2019 10:00

When I was at primary in the 90s loads of us had nits. Usually it was the boys and also the girls with shorter hair as the longer hair girls wore theirs in plaits, buns or tied back and the nits found it harder to get to the scalp. We also had the nit nurse come in every 6 weeks to check everyone. That helped a lot! I got them once and my Mum was given a lot of advice including not to cut my hair short (according to her nits preferred short hair and she saw more nits in girls with bobs than any other style) and to plait it instead of putting it in ponytails. Once mum started plaiting my hair tight I never got nits again.

heartshapedknob · 26/01/2019 10:01

In our school it’s because the parents don’t deal with them properly - a proper comb through with a nit comb and conditioner until clear, repeated every three days, all bedding washed and everyone in the house treated.
Also most of the girls have long hair hatbis just put into a ponytail, I wish school would say long hair should be plaited and secured in a bun or similar so it wasn’t so easy for nits to spread.

heartshapedknob · 26/01/2019 10:02

that is, not hatbis obviously. DYAC.

NoonAim · 26/01/2019 10:17

I think it's disgusting that lice are so common in this day and age. And so accepted as normal!
When I was at school our heads were frequently checked by a nurse and if she found nits the child would be sent home with a letter - no re-admission to school until successfully treated.

cooldarkroom · 26/01/2019 10:25

There was a family in my kids school, they all had their hair shaved off, 3 children & the parents due inability to win the head lice battle.
To be fair they lived in a caravan, had limited hot water, possibly no hoover, & probably couldn't afford the treatment
Children not allowed in school with head lice where I live

Aventurine · 26/01/2019 10:27

@Becca19962014 Flowers

Lovestonap · 26/01/2019 10:28

I think some people would like to forget that humans are animals, and occasionally pick up parasites. It's not a moral failing. Refusing to treat our children for parasites is a failing but treatment can have varying levels of success and is an ongoing struggle. It astonishes me that people always blame other people for their own children getting nits, yes, that's how infection works and your child probably infected others before you picked up on it.
Same with the common cold.
And people who proudly say 'my child has never had nits' well great! I have never had thread worms but it doesn't mean that I have a better standard of hygiene necessarily than someone who has, just that I may not have been as exposed to them. I'm not a superior human for this.

Anyway.

OP I think if I were you I would mention it to the teacher, almost in a gossipy way, say something like 'can't believe it about x' s hair, wonder what went on there, I saw a programme once where shaving a head was a form of child abuse, hope its not that! '. OK, teacher might think you're an interfering busybody but if it puts the idea of potential abuse in their mind then they are more likely to be on the lookout for that child's welfare.
I can't see myself filing a report to SS or NSPCC based on such little knowledge, but nor can I see myself ignoring what could be a warning sign.

newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 10:29

One of the ways my parents punished me was to shave my head. I'd then be suspended from school for it being too short. No concerns were ever raised despite me being repeatedly suspended.

And yes it did cause me emotional harm!

Becca you poor thing. Sad

And yeah, it WILL cause emotional harm to do this to girls.

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