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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?

208 replies

MrsPeony · 25/01/2019 21:50

Hi,

A friend of my DD (6yo) has had her hair shaved.... think grade one all over. She’s very fair so looks bald. It was previously beautiful, long and well looked after.
I don’t know her family but they have always looked normal at school pick up.

I asked DD about it and she said “because she had bugs in it, she hates it and was crying in school”.

AIBU to be a bit freaked out, and well, concerned for the little girl? Surely an extreme way of dealing with nits??

OP posts:
newnameforthis7 · 26/01/2019 10:30

@NoonAim I don't think disgusting is the word I would use, as nearly every child gets them now! (Especially girls who always have longer hair!)

With the best will in the world, the most careful and clean people have kids with headlice!!!

It is odd that it's so rife now though, and especially in junior school! Maybe the headlice are just more resilient to the potions now!

Anyone else got a REALLY fucking itchy head right now by the way?! Confused

I can't stop riffing. Just thinking about headlice makes me riff!

DDs friend has had hair shaved off!! AIBU to be concerned?
ReaganSomerset · 26/01/2019 10:33

@MilkTrayLimeBarrel

Were you at school in the days of the nit nurse?

Notajourno · 26/01/2019 10:38

If she has the type of hair I do then not combing or even just brushing is incredibly painful due to how tangly my hair can get. As an adult I’ve shaved my head to make it manageable. Perhaps her mother didn’t want to inflict excruciating pain on her daughter to keep the nits at bay.

Schmoobarb · 26/01/2019 10:51

Anyone else got a REALLY fucking itchy head right now by the way?!

Yeah I’m eyeing up the nitty gritty and conditioner as we speak! Think I’ll give us all a going over! Grin

Flowerfae · 26/01/2019 11:02

If they were in a country where nit treatments were not available then it would be easier to understand. However they are not, it doesn't matter whether their families way down the line have shaved children's hair off if they had nits, there are plenty of nit treatments or just combing with conditioner which costs virtually nothing. She'll get nits again, so they'll keep shaving her hair off and it isn't fair on her.

MyHomeworkAteMyDog · 26/01/2019 11:06

If this upsets you watch the Jamelia Documentary about how they source hair extensions. Breaks my heart.

MaMisled · 26/01/2019 11:14

My mother shaved my head when I was 5. She always said it was because I had dandruff but I'm certain it must have been head lice. I had very long thick hair and, looking back at the cery few photos of me as a child, is shocking! She was born in the 20s, was of very low intelligence and had severe OCD.

carrotflinger · 26/01/2019 11:16

Nit nurses don't come into schools anymore. I think that helped when I was at school. Everyone was checked once per half-term and parents contacted if someone had headlice.I can remember standing in a long line and you had to take one plait or bunch out if you had two and they would check one side of your head.
Also when I was teaching (10 years ago now) in primary schools you weren't allowed to contact a parent to say you had noticed headlice in the child's hair even though some of the kids were crawling with them. A generic letter was sent out to all parents in the class saying there was a case of headlice and could everyone please check their kids' heads.

I do not think OP should contact NSPCC or Social Services about this child. The school will be well aware if there is a back story and if this is the first "incident" as such they will know what procedures to put in place.

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 11:20

I can’t believe some people on here are suggesting they may have to point out a possible safeguarding issue to the class teacher - who will be dealing with potential safeguarding issues day in day out and have up to date safeguarding training.
If a child has turned up at school with a shaved head and crying do you honestly think the teacher won’t have acted? This isn’t like a hidden bruise or something they might not be aware of. They will have spoken to the child and the parents and if necessary the safeguarding lead.
Maybe the class teacher is aware they are having treatment that leads to hair loss? Maybe the class teacher is aware of abuse and a referral to ss has been made. They won’t have done nothing!

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 11:24

I also imagine the head and/or other senior staff will have sought an explanation. It’s not exactly a typical sight in our culture.

Bluelady · 26/01/2019 11:30

@Noonaim, I thought exactly the same thing. Nobody had head lice when I was at primary school, same with my son's generation. I can't believe how common they seem to be now and how blasé parents are about them.

GreenTulips · 26/01/2019 11:34

I don’t think some parents are blasé about head lice - some parents are treating there kids weekly to no effect.

Some kids are crawling but yet it’s a community issue rather than a health issue

I know 2 girls moved school purely down to one child with head lice and they were in her groups so constant contact

It’s about time we lobbied the MPs to take up the issue - only the manufacturers of head lice treatment are winning

slappinthebass · 26/01/2019 11:41

I think it's the culture of expectation around long hair on young girls that's more abusive overall.

This with bells on. The horrendous sexism on this post is unreal. If it's not abusive for boys why on earth should it be for a girl? I know someone who shaved their 5 year old daughters hair when she had nits. The little girl loved it and was proud of it until other family members were raging about it in front of her. It's hair ffs. This kind of attitude sickens me.

ILoveDolly · 26/01/2019 11:42

Nits are rampant at my children's school. I comb, treat and monitor my children, endlessly, it feels like. Often do my own hair because cuddles... But we get them back sooooo often, even my son with grade 2 short hair! My oldest is now at high school and doesn't get them now so I am sure its the fault of the primary school cohort. I have three kids and usual busy life so I really get sick of it.
I would be lying if I haven't wished I could just shave everyone's head and be done with it.
However, unless the hair is totally shaved off, it is a pointless and traumatic thing to do to a child with previously long hair. The nits can still live in very short hair, and the children will feel branded/victimized.

ILoveDolly · 26/01/2019 11:46

I agree with the posters who are saying its sexist to assume cruelty "because little girls have long hair". Its cruel if the child doesn't want a shaved head, and therefore punishes them for something beyond their control. One of my girls had a nice practical short hair cut, she likes it, but the nits come anyway so... They could ALL have grade 1 army buzz cuts and nits. Treatment is whats needed

PorkPatrol · 26/01/2019 11:49

I think it does make a difference that a shaved head on a boy isn’t something that would attract attention in this country. Many little boys choose to have their heads shaved. I’ve never known a little girl to (though my cousin did as a young adult).
Yes it may be sexist that it isn’t seen to be an acceptable hairstyle for girls but that doesn’t change the fact that the child may well feel like she sticks out and be self conscious about it.

Rubusfruticosus · 26/01/2019 11:51

The horrendous sexism on this post is unreal. If it's not abusive for boys why on earth should it be for a girl? I know someone who shaved their 5 year old daughters hair when she had nits. The little girl loved it and was proud of it until other family members were raging about it in front of her. It's hair ffs. This kind of attitude sickens me.
I agree. My DS has long hair and gets idiotic comments about it. I would treat his hair if he got head lice, but he has had it all shaved off before. I wouldn't shave a child's head if they weren't okay with it, but I don't think sex comes into it.

contrary13 · 26/01/2019 11:51

When I was 6, I had waist length hair which was plaited twice a day - once in the morning, and once at night - by my mother. I was sent to stay with my grandparents - my mother's parents - for the summer holidays, that year. Six weeks later, when my mother returned to collect me, she found me with a short hairstyle (not quite short back and sides, looking at the photos, but not far off it). Why? Because on the second day of the holiday, my grandfather had endured enough of my screaming as soon as anyone waved a hairbrush in my line of sight, and taken me to the barbers to have it cut off (he had it saved, tied up with my satin hair ribbons, in a plastic bag for my mother, though). Why did I scream?

Because my mother used to beat me with the wooden hairbrush for "not sitting still", for "having tangles" (although as my hair was dragged back into the 1970s version of The Croydon Facelift twice a day, and never unplaited, I don't know how it tangled!), for crying...

That was abuse.

Many years later, I'm still grateful to my grandfather for what he did. And have never been able to stand my hair going past chin-length (at the moment, I'm actually bald because I shaved my hair off). It upset my father when he saw me, but simply made my mother angry - because she knew she'd lost one of the ways to torture me twice a day.

It is just hair. It will grow back. And perhaps, even though you're not privy to it, there was another reason other than nits which caused it to be shaved. I've been told I cried when my grandfather's barbar cut my plaits off - although that would have been because I was terrified of my mother's reaction! Maybe... just maybe... someone wanted to stop this girl with long hair from being whacked with a hairbrush every time she - as a 6 year old - naturally shifted through boredom, or the pain of her hair being brushed by someone that wasn't her?

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 26/01/2019 11:53

On the flip side of this, I was often nitty as a kid as my sister seemed to breed her own colonies of the dam things. I am also allergic to them and bits swell up into massive lumps, to this day I know if I have even one of the damn things on me as i feel that first bite. I was also horrendously head sore and with hair down to my bum....so Sunday nights ritual brush through and nit comb was horrific., I cried and screamed and would feel sick all day Sunday and traumatised all day Monday.

Mum threatened to have my hair cut short if I did not stop the dramatics and I begged her to shave it instead. I spent two years with very short hair and I loved it. My hair is short now. It's just hair. To suggest that every girl having their hair shaved is abuse is ridiculous. They are still girls without their hair and parents need raise them to understand their self worth is not attached to hair/clothing/labels. And sometimes little girls want short hair.

HellsBellsAndBatteredBananas · 26/01/2019 11:54

@contrary

I totally feel your pain. My mother was BRUTAL with a denman brush.

formerbabe · 26/01/2019 11:55

but I don't think sex comes into it

Of course it does, whether you agree with it or not. Culturally in this country, no one bats an eyelid at a boy or man with a shaved head but a woman with no hair would attract attention. Even if you disapprove of these gender stereotypes, we have to exist within society and help our children to live comfortably within it.

formerbabe · 26/01/2019 11:56

And sometimes little girls want short hair

There's a world of difference between a short hair style and a shaved head.

contrary13 · 26/01/2019 11:58

I should probably add, that when I shave my hair off (I do it maybe once every 2 or 3 years), I feel the same, instinctive fear that I used to feel as a child. I literally hide my head from my parents. My father, not so much, because I know that he loves me irregardless of whether I have hair or not. My mother... let's put it this way; I've worn a hat in her presence for the last 5 years. Even when I've had hair. The abusive behaviour I endured for those first few years of my life? I cannot bear her looking at my head anymore.

This little girl's hair will grow back. And her hair might have been shaved off for a multitude of reasons (my son, for example, had an allergic reaction to one of the nit treatments when my daughter returned from a camp with them). Perhaps her family want her to grow up not believing that her identity as a female is tied up with the length/condition/style of her hair, or maybe - as another poster suggested - she got glue or gum in it (freezing it doesn't always work!). Maybe she has a younger sibling who took scissors to it.

We shouldn't identify our own self-worth through our hair. And whilst I've never shaved my children's hair off... I've also never beaten them with a hairbrush for not sitting still whilst I brushed it.

dragonflyflew · 26/01/2019 12:00

My mum hacked off all my hair when I was 14 as I was ‘attracting too much attention from men’. I was devastated. It looked horrible, she did a terrible job, everyone was horrified and I kept being mistaken for a boy (1980s).

ShesABelter · 26/01/2019 12:03

Lyclear gets rid of them first time every time in our case. Absolutely lazy to just shave because they can't be arsed to treat properly. Then comb every day for 2-3 weeks and treat again if necessary if anything is found before the lice are adults.

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