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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
ContessaIsOnADietDammit · 23/01/2019 12:14

You're not an awful person. She needs to plan better and not just rely on you - her emergency is not your emergency (or at least it shouldn't be on a daily basis).

"I'm sorry, I really can't".

IsItThatTimeAgain · 23/01/2019 12:15

"She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?"

She's trying her luck with CF childcare instead.

RiverTam · 23/01/2019 12:16

You need to be upfront and say 'look, I'm happy to help out on occasion but you can't expect me to continually do childcare for you, so can you please stop asking.' And don't frame it as a question.

Tensixtysix · 23/01/2019 12:18

Sounds like she perceives you as a 'friend' because you can help out. She'll soon drop you like a hot stone and move onto someone else if you don't play her game.

Original poster
Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:18

I know what you're saying but she is so lovely that saying something so direct like that would embarrass her Sad

OP posts:
Givemestrengthorgin · 23/01/2019 12:19

Just nip it in the bud with a catch up response like, sorry we are often caught up doing bits and bobs after school and never sure what we will be up to one day to the next.

werideatdawn · 23/01/2019 12:19

Yep you're going to have to be frank otherwise you'll be doing this forever. See the other post where OP is basically parenting someone else's child. Nip it in the bud straight away!

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 12:22

Tell her how often you can help her if you are willing to . She must be desperate ,I would never leave my children with a friend I’d only known for a year .. I feel sorry for her .

A little prayer and hug for all the struggling parents out there ...

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 12:22

I know it’s not your problem
So you should say no if you can’t do it of course .

RiverTam · 23/01/2019 12:22

Elmo well, either you stand up for yourself or you don't - simple as that.

CallMeRachel · 23/01/2019 12:24

She's probably targeting you for free childcare, she's no friend.

Nip it in the bud now.

Reply "no sorry I have enough on my plate with mine at the moment, here's the list of childcare providers for our area..."

Boom, done.

MrsJayy · 23/01/2019 12:24

She is taking advantage you are not her babysitter just say no I can''t do that. She isn't lovely if she is leaving her kid 2 hours after arranged time how is that lovely?

Returnofthesmileybar · 23/01/2019 12:25

"Sorry Mary I really can't, as you know I work from home, I can't do that with other kids in the house, it's hard enough with my own to be honest, with work, homework, dinners etc I'm not in a position to collect other kids. Any day not just today , just so you know no for future days too, it won't be possible "

MrsJayy · 23/01/2019 12:26

Btw you don't owe her a reason a no I can't is enough.

ambereeree · 23/01/2019 12:28

She's lovely because she wants free childcare. Just say no and she won't be so lovely anymore.

Stuckforthefourthtime · 23/01/2019 12:29

Have you actually seen her much outside school pickup and dropoff? I'd be very sympathetic with an old friend needing help, but I've also met a number of mothers who are very good at finding the right people to latch onto for favours.

If she was a truly kind person and friend then she would have (a) come after an hour when she said (b) overwhelmed you with apologies for being 3 hours without letting you know and (c) tried to return the favour before she she asked for another one, let alone repeatedly asking for more.

NorthEndGal · 23/01/2019 12:30

You will need to be honest but gentle, or she will keep asking.
Let her know you already have your hands full, that you feel for her, but she needs to set up actual child care

Winterfellwonderland · 23/01/2019 12:30

I posted about very similar situation to this a few days ago. Best thing I was told on here is to be honest and upfront. X

Original poster
Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:31

Stuck She was extremely apologetic for being late. She also returned the favour by asking us all over for a playdate.

OP posts:
Smoggle · 23/01/2019 12:33

"sorry hun, I really can't do after school regularly - I struggle enough with my two! Happy to help out in an emergency but can't do every week"

Drogosnextwife · 23/01/2019 12:33

Just keep saying you can't do it your sorry. She will soon get the hint. Don't make up an excuse. You don't need to be rude just "really sorry I can't manage that". Don't day you don't mind helping out on occasions. Because she will keep trying her luck, just always say no.

DelphiniumBlue · 23/01/2019 12:34

She's not bothered about putting you on the spot, is she? And this after turning up 2 hours late when you were doing her a favour? If she did that the first time you helped her out, I think she'll get worse.
There's another thread where the OP was left looking after someone's kids for days at a time!
Next time she asks, ask her when she can reciprocate. I did sometimes ask friends for favours when mine were young, but always with the offer to return the favour, and agree a specific day to do it.
If she won't reciprocate, then you'll know exactly where you stand.

FuckingYuleLog · 23/01/2019 12:36

When she asks again I’d just say ‘I can’t sorry. I know I got her the other day but I usually work in the evenings and it’s hard enough keeping my 2 quiet without a friend over! Hope you can sort something x’

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 23/01/2019 12:39

What are her usual plans for pick up?
Does she work?

Iggity · 23/01/2019 12:40

15 mins is being late; 2 hrs is taking the mick. But there's a lot to be said for doing someone a favour without being taken advantage of.