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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
FuckingYuleLog · 23/01/2019 12:42

And if she keeps asking then I’d just keep saying ‘I can’t sorry I’ve got to work x’ until she gets the hint and books back into the after school club.

CanaryFish · 23/01/2019 12:43

“I’m working this afternoon sorry hun x”
Or
“I’m working every afternoon this week/for eternity “

How you manage your kids when your working is none of her business
If you want to keep her as a friend arrange a play date/coffee or whatever at the weekend

ReanimatedSGB · 23/01/2019 12:46

She's probably not using the after school club because she can't afford it. She might well be absolutely desperate (think: Universal credit sanctions, debt, being threatened with losing her job). OK, this isn't your problem and you don't have to provide her with unending free childcare, but if you consider her a friend, could you talk to her about it and make other suggestions?

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2019 12:47

Honestly I wouldn't even bother with these elaborate explanations.

Just a cheery "Sorry, no can do I'm afraid! Xx" is perfectly adequate.

Isleepinahedgefund · 23/01/2019 12:47

Nip it in the bud honestly. Or you’ll be posting on here in a year complaining about it!

Make it clear firmly but nicely that you can’t do it. You might already be her backup childcare plan - I bet there is another parent at school who used to be her backup and started saying no, so she’s moved on to you, there’s always one!

She probably doesn’t use the wrap around care because it’s too expensive for her - this is not your problem though and the answer for her is not to ask for favours like this.

MrsJayy · 23/01/2019 12:48

If she was upfront with you saying Im struggiling could you look after dd for a few hours a week then you could have a proper conversation about it but she is putting you on the spot and making it awkward if she knew upfront that you are busy after school she would find childcare .

Saracen · 23/01/2019 12:48

Would it help you out if she is able to return the favour? How about asking her if she wants to make a regular arrangement, say if you pick her child up every Wednesday afternoon and she has your two every Saturday morning?

I expect you wouldn't mind so much if you were getting something out of it, and also if it wasn't so haphazard and you could get into a routine.

StarJumpsandaHalf · 23/01/2019 12:49

Cutting her some slack the 2 hours lateness depends on why really. 2 hours gossiping with a friend or getting her hair done isn’t the same as a hospital appointment, work problem or major transport delay.

That said I’d make a blanket statement that I’m not free for child minding due to my own commitments.

MakeItAmazing · 23/01/2019 12:50

It's so obvious why she's not using the club. Can you really not see it? She's struggling for money, the club costs and therefore she's trying to manage things better by asking her friend to help her out. Could you consider being kind and offering to help once a week and she return the favour when she can ?

Waspnest · 23/01/2019 12:51

For me a few questions spring to mind....

Why was she 2 hrs late? (I'd have been going spare if I was looking after someone's child and imagining car crashes and allsorts)
Was the playdate for everyone including you or was she reciprocating the childcare and just having your children?

What does she do when you say no? Does the child then go to afterschool club? You say she's struggling financially so I assume she's doing it to save on the aftercare fees but she's not being honest or fair with you (maybe verging on CFery but not quite there yet?)

I'd go with what others have suggested. Explain you can't do it on a daily basis because of your work/the way it interferes with your evening routine but (assuming the girls are friends) sometimes invite the girl round after school for tea etc.

BrokenWing · 23/01/2019 12:51

2hrs late is taking the piss, I wouldn't be setting myself up for a repeat performance. Was the reason she was so late believable?

EarthboundMisfit · 23/01/2019 12:52

I got into this position with my actual best friend. In the end, I had to pull back because it was affecting me and my DCs so negatively.

In the case of a newish friendship - am I reading it correctly that you don't socialise apart from at the school gate? - I wouldn't hesistate to cut this habit off now. I am almost certain it will escalate.

I would just say 'I'm sorry, but I am too busy to collect another child as well as my own.'

FuckingYuleLog · 23/01/2019 12:52

Tbf we don’t know that she can’t afford the after school club. She may well just not want to pay for it if she thinks the op will do it for free.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 12:52

So did you have to go to this playdate, too, meaning it wasn't much of a favour returned?

I think she's showing you her true colours. I'd reply with one of the above messages saying you have to work from home and it's bad enough with your own kids there.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 23/01/2019 12:53

Just a cheery "Sorry, no can do I'm afraid! Xx" is perfectly adequate.

Exactly. No explanations required, just be unavailable.

whilethechiefputsshineonleith · 23/01/2019 12:54

why does she need you to collect what is her reason?

MrsJayy · 23/01/2019 12:55

Why was consider bolded MakeitAmazing the op shouldn't be manipulated to babysit another child if she isn't able or doesn't want to beingkind doesn't mean somebody should be a pushover.

ecuse · 23/01/2019 12:55

I think just a simple text: "I can do this as the occasional one off (if I happen to be free the day you need it) but I'm not going to be able to help regularly, so you'll need to make another plan if it's going to be a frequent thing"

Whatsnewpussyhat · 23/01/2019 12:55

If she had to take her child out of after school club for whatever reason she should have had a plan in place or at the very least be honest with her friend as to why she keeps asking.
It isn't the op's job to "be nice" ffs. If she keeps saying yes it will end up her stuck with this other child every day. So many mugs on here willing to sacrifice their own lives for cheeky fuckers.

ThatsWotSheSaid · 23/01/2019 12:56

Just say ‘I’m really sorry but I work from home so I generally can’t do play dates after school’.
Does your daughter actually want to have play dates with this girl?

DonCorleoneTheThird · 23/01/2019 12:57

MN tends to hate anyone doing favour, and the idea that someone will get something "for free", so you will have countless posts calling her a CF.

If she is really nice, I would just say "no" when asked - you can say between working from home and the kids you are far too busy at the moment. See how it goes, if you stay friends and she offers to babysit for you at the weekend or something, or if she disappear because you are not helping.
it's ok to give someone the benefit of the doubt.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/01/2019 12:57

I know what you're saying but she is so lovely that saying something so direct like that would embarrass her

No, she's not lovely, she's being a CF. You mean that saying that would embarrass you. Just grow a backbone and do it or you'll still be providing childcare for her this time next year.

Buglife · 23/01/2019 12:59

You don’t have to look after her child if you can’t, that’s fine. It could become something that she relies upon and it would put you on the spot and could end in resentment. But to everyone jumping straight in with a cheery “ooh she’s a cheeky fucker, get rid of her, she’s no friend at all, she’s only lovely because she wants something” are being harsh. So many threads on here when desperate single parents are saying they can’t afford childcare but need to work and what can they do and THEY are met with a chorus of “surely you have SOMEONE who can help, a neighbour or a friend” etc etc... so how do you win? What’s the level or friendship where you can ask for help? She might be having a hard time financially and maybe hoped her child could play at yours for an hour occasionally in an emergency, but if it doesn’t work for you and you can’t maintain it, then say so gently now. But if you like her as a person besides these two requests then try and give her the benefit of the doubt, or at least ask how she’s doing.

Original poster
Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 13:00

Argh, I've just messaged her and told her that I'm so busy with work Monday-Friday. Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

I feel awful and now worried about seeing her next. I would sort something out for childcare (me have her DD one day if she could have my DDs another day) but one of my DDs has special needs and wouldn't go anywhere without me so this isn't suitable. Sad

OP posts:
captainpantbeard · 23/01/2019 13:00

She also returned the favour by asking us all over for a playdate.

Including you? She'll probably go out while you mind the kids!

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