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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
blackteasplease · 23/01/2019 13:44

I think you were 100% right to say no and say that included all Mon - Fri. I'm not sure she's a classic c.f. because she admitted it was to avoid paying which isn't the classic pattern.

But seeing one of your kids has SEN it's extra thoughtless/ cheeky.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 23/01/2019 13:44

she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

She didn't that say she can't afford it.

Big difference.

CF!

OrdinarySnowflake · 23/01/2019 13:45

Wow, she's not even tried to pretend she's asking you as she's tried other options!

Don't tell her she needs to use the after school club or a childminder, don't tell her to find someone else, because doing that involves you in the finding the solution to her childcare problem. Big smiles and "sorry, I can't commit to regular childcare, hope you get it sorted soon." Don't get involved in offering solutions because it's not your job.

People like this if you help them a few times, they see you as being equally responsible for sorting out the care. Don't get dragged into conversations or offering solutions. Not your business.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 23/01/2019 13:47

Helping from time to time, when it's convenient for you, is totally different from committing to help on a regular basis.

I don't think you should get drawn into conversations about it. It's reasonable to say that you're willing to help from time to time, but not regularly. Or if you might contemplate a regular arrangement, would she be willing to return the favour e.g. she has your children over for a sleepover alternate Fridays?

bigKiteFlying · 23/01/2019 13:47

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

She's basicly admitted she's expecting you to provide childcare for free with no discussion with you. This is not your problem to solve for her - just say no it doesn't work for you.

ElspethFlashman · 23/01/2019 13:54

Don't text any more.

Cheeky creature. Do you have "afterschool" written outside your house? NO!

You can bet this "arrangement" was going to end up being constant and permanent. Fucks sake.

Sparklesocks · 23/01/2019 13:56

She sounds sneaky, if she asks you only a few days in advance regularly then she can essentially sneak in regular/long term childcare without having to have that conversation. There’s no end in sight that way!

Agree with PP, let her know you might help out occasionally if she’s really pushed, but you’re not about to provide childcare to her DC on a regular basis.

Michellebops · 23/01/2019 14:05

I have only scanned /glanced at some of the replies and disagree with the ones calling her a chancer.

Perhaps she is really struggling financially and needing some help to get back on her feet.

Plus asking a friend (regardless of how recent the friendship is) she sees a way of doing this and giving her daughter some friendliness after school rather than a club.

I'd be honoured if my friend trusted me to take care of their most precious child and I wouldn't see a friend struggle. Plus looking after 3 isn't any worse than 2 if they'll play together well or do homework etc.

By offering a play date she's trying to reciprocate the favour.

If you're not able to help then tell her upfront, and she can find alternative arrangements. If you are then tell her how or when you can help.

And let's hope she's not on Mumsnet seeing all the responses above as that would put an end to the friendship

SilverySurfer · 23/01/2019 14:06

Don't worry OP, she will have already started grooming the next potential mug friend.

YANBU at all.

Butterfly84 · 23/01/2019 14:12

she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

Ring ring, alarm bells. She's being a real CF.

Don't feel bad. Just tell her you're super busy with your own life/children and you can't help her out. Nip it in the bud now.

It would be different it was a one-off looking after in the evening, but it isn't.

DownstairsMixUp · 23/01/2019 14:13

People are this cheeky they just say "I didn't wanna pay" well neither does the rest of the world, get over it! Just tell her to get lost!

cstaff · 23/01/2019 14:17

She didn't even try to hide the fact that she was trying to get out of paying for after school care. Sorry but that is CFery at its best.

eddielizzard · 23/01/2019 14:18

You don't have a new friend, you have a user. Yes, she's lovely, but you can't become her unpaid childcare.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 23/01/2019 14:25

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

I feel awful and now worried about seeing her next.

Look, you need to let go of this guilt. You did the 'be nice' and 'kind' and 'favour' and she was 2 hours later with no explanation! C'mon! So if she's struggling and you're a friend you can at least tell the person who has your kids that you're running late!

She's admitted to you that she didn't even ask about the afterschool club so she wouldn't have to pay! C'mon to fuck. So she expects a new 'friend' with a child who has SN to provide her with free childcare? That's just fucking cheeky!

UC, sanctions, what have you, you can tell the school you're struggling rather than assume a new 'friend' will do it for free.

She targeted you.

You just keep saying 'NO' and don't feel any guilt. You've told her you're busy working, you are! She's seen you as soft. 'Are you sure you can't help?' No, I really can't. It's full on with work and having one child with SN. And repeat and repeat and repeat.

If she pulls the 'I thought we were friends,' card you just say, 'We are, but that doesn't extend to providing regular childcare.'

Because any inch you give her and she'll take a mile. She's already shown you that by being 2 hours late with no explanation the very first time she asked you to take her child.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 23/01/2019 14:32

I'd be honoured if my friend trusted me to take care of their most precious child and I wouldn't see a friend struggle. Plus looking after 3 isn't any worse than 2 if they'll play together well or do homework etc.

Why not go and offer yourself for free childcare locally then? Let the school know you're available and you're honoured to provide free childcare and homework supervision, snacks, etc. and they can just collect their precious child at any time, you just feel privileged to be there.

Isleepinahedgefund · 23/01/2019 14:35

There you go, pass her Michellebops details, she’s up for giving out free child care!

I think you have to be careful of the apparent struggling for money aspect. I was targeted by a CF last year who just is damned if she’s going to pay for childcare - they can afford it perfectly well but would plead poverty to all who would listen. And I know they can afford it, because they go abroad at least twice a year to flash places. If you can afford to ski, you can afford after school club. She even suggested MY mum might like to collect her kid as well as mine one day a week!

SilverySurfer · 23/01/2019 14:37

All the posters saying poor CF obviously needs help - PM your contact details to the OP, I'm sure she will pass them on to CF who will dump her children on you thankfully Hmm

No? I thought not.

RomanyRoots · 23/01/2019 14:38

Aw, I feel sorry for her she's obviously struggling. i think sp's deserve all the help anyone can offer.

I understand you can't do a regular free childcare service and I don't blame you, as your own kids come first and another into the equation is not just another dc it messes with your routine.

I'd offer help to cover in an emergency, but make it clear it would need to be an emergency.

hellsbellsmelons · 23/01/2019 14:43

And let's hope she's not on Mumsnet seeing all the responses
Let's hope she IS!
And is starting to realise what a CF she is being.
She didn't even ASK the OP if she wanted to or could.
Just went the CF route and tried it on.
Fuck that!

TowelNumber42 · 23/01/2019 14:59

You don't need to feel awful. She is being open now about wanting to use you for free childcare. She feels no shame so neither should you.

I'd get your perceived awkwardness out of the way with a response like someone else suggested. "Ha! I can barely manage my own children. I can assure you that in the unlikely scenario of me deciding to do childminding it wouldn't be for free, it'd be seriously expensive! Hope you get something sorted. See you soon x"

Then treat it like she was kind of making a CF joke. So very not serious - you can chill out about it.

Roussette · 23/01/2019 15:19

All those people who say they feel sorry for her and she's obviously struggling. How do you know that?

Unless I've missed something, I haven't seen anything from OP saying that.

PlumpSyrianHamster · 23/01/2019 15:21

She didn't even ASK the OP if she wanted to or could.
Just went the CF route and tried it on.

THIS!

Keep it simple. 'No, I'm not available for childcare.'

Been there, done that. I have a child with SN, too, and his routine is paramount. He's a struggle. That's life.

RiverTam · 23/01/2019 15:22

Just read you're update - well, I wouldn't spend a second feeling sorry for her, that is really really cheeky of her.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2019 15:32

You did her a favour and agreed to take her dd for an hour, and she took advantage and ended up being 3 hours, this is how it is going to be like. So start as you mean to go on, and nip this in the bud now. You have enough on your own plate, this is not a one off favour, but she will be expecting it regularly as she does not want to pay for childcare. CF belisha beacon is flashing really bright for you op.

Myheartbelongsto · 23/01/2019 15:37

I would sit down and chat to her over a cuppa and see if there was a way I could help her, talk through her options.

If I could help her with pick ups I wouldn't hesitate as long as she stuck to the plan. Maybe twice a week, keep child for an hour type thing. What's an hour, I waste that every day on you tube!

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