New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

[Elmoespanol]

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person

She's shot herself in the foot asking for one hour and taking three. You would have been a lot more willing to do repeat favours if she hadn't taken the piss like this. I looked after someone's kids for "the morning", they reappeared after 3pm having decided to do a supermarket shop first without even bothering to let me know.

Annoyingly I had cancelled a medical appointment I'd waited months for in order to accommodate them as they were desperate.

Unfortunately when people take advantage, you lose patience with them very rapidly. Your friend should have been thinking of the longer game. Tell her "No sorry I can't" Did she say why she couldn't pick up her dd, or why she was so glaringly late? Does she work herself, with hours that are impeding on pick up time?

I had a new friend that wanted school drop off and pick up favours. At first I didn't mind but then I realised we weren't doing stuff as friends like chatting, going for a coffee. It turned into text messages asking to pick up/drop off. So after a year I was getting nothing in return (I told her I had pulled my back and struggled to pick up the kids from school...she didnt offer to help me! So I started saying no to all of her requests. Ask her for a favour and see what she says.

I don't think mumsnetters hate favours at all, the woman isn't taking no for an answer how is that not cheeky ? She is chancing her arm trying to wear the op down by messaging her with a pleasepleasepleaaaasee the op doesn't want to be the last minute drop everything babysitter and that really is fine.

And also it’s no ones job to be nice, but sometimes people just are nice. It doesn’t make them mugs. If the OP wants to lay some boundaries she could say upfront “generally I can’t help regularly with this. Maybe once every couple of weeks or so we could have a quick play date after school” people are mugs if they aren’t upfront and end up doing something whilst fiercely resenting it and slagging the person off and making a huge deal of it. If you want to be honest upfront say what you would or wouldn’t like to do but you know, be a friend about it.

Lol at IsItThatTimeAgain's idea of CF childcare.
it does have a certain ring to it.

No, she's taking the piss. YOU are the lovely friend. Not her.

Open your eyes. If you want to be a true friend you need to address this so she can organise her life and stop commandeering yours. It's all too passive aggressive.

Firstly asking you for a play date is NOT returning the favour!! That's getting company for her child! Were you there for the playdate?

She's a pisstaker text her back "ah OK, no I'm definitely not available for childcare"

Just text "sorry no can do.....just had a new deadline come in" ....do that a few times and I'm sure she'll get the message and make better plans.

Personally I would offer to help her out regularly say once or twice a week just to help her out. She is obviously really struggling.

You don't need to get anything back from it. You could just do it to help out someone really struggling.

She also returned the favour by asking us all over for a playdate ha ha ha, that's not returning the favour is it?! Returning the favour would be her offering to collect your child from school and feed and entertain them at her house for several hours. These threads pop up regularly on here. It appears there's no shortage of CFs looking for free childcare. I've been in this situation and didn't nip it in the bud and ended up free childcare. Don't make the same mistake.

The thing is, whereas it's nice to help out, OP doesn't have to suddenly become this person's childcare just "to be nice". I would say yes when I could really do it and no when I can't or have too much on etc. But I wouldn't say yes too many times in a row because it creates a false sense of willingness which can turn into relying on somebody, and I don't think it fair on the friend or OP if OP goes into it and suddenly gets very fed up and pulls the rug after friend is led to believe it can be any and every time.

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

She's a cheeky mare.

Just reply 'I can't keep doing childcare for you, no.' No need for an apology or long-winded explanations.

Well done OP. Please don’t worry. I had the same with DS’s friend’s mum. We were friendly and I helped out a couple of times and then soon joined her roster of people to use for childcare (e.g. asking to have for an hour and it turning into a Friday night sleepover with drop off at noon the next day).

I said no three times (politely) after that and it was clear enough to stop her asking again.

We’re still friendly, I’m just able to get on with juggling my life without having to be responsible for someone else’s too.

I get it’s hard being a single mum that’s why I helped in the first place but no one likes being taken advantage of.

she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.
I feel awful and now worried about seeing her next.
Text her back and say 'my rates are twice theirs Seriously though, I've enough on with juggling mine and work so can't help out, hopefully after school club can fit you in' - that way you've been light-hearted, said why you can't help, made it clear it's a permanent decision, and suggested what she do instead. And if she takes the piss and brings it up again in person just repeat 'sorry, it's like I said in my text, I just can't do it, sorry'. Be strong & firm.

No no no! I don’t respond well to emotional blackmail.

She hasn’t checked after school club? Why not? Cause she’s thinks you’re her meal ticket. Sorry I’m out. She’s lined you up as childcare duties without even bothering to ask.

She doesn’t reciprocate (and couldn’t by the sounds of it) she’s relying on you being a nice person and not wanting to see her struggle. Just say it doesn’t work for you. You work from home so you’re busy.

I bet she soon finds another mum to befriend. Don’t worry.

She is being a bit cheeky but she probably really is struggling so if her DD is no trouble and it would only be for say an hour after school maybe you could agree to do it once a week?

No need to feel awful. I have done free childcare like this before to help out friends who are struggling and it quickly becomes a real burden when you’re forking out extra money yourself on snacks and food, when the other child isn’t behaving well or isn’t being nice to your children. After a while it is just taken for granted.
You’ve done nothing wrong - you’re working so you can’t regularly have her child so she’ll need to sort something else.

Your friend sounds naive rather than Machiavellian. I think you need to spell out to her than your home-work set up does not allow for after school play dates as it disrupts an already tight schedule. Be kind as you explain this, be detailed, but be firm.

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

Erm... isn't that something she should have discussed with you before giving up her after school club place!

Repeat what others have said, that you can help in an emergency but not every day as you have enough on with your own two and can't take on extra childcare.

Also returning the favour should surely be her having your dc for three hours while you get some free time. A playdate isn't quite the same thing!

Why do you feel bad?! She's a cheeky cow. I can't believe she just came out with it! Don't feel bad or worried or anything else. Madness.

You need to be really clear and say no.

I had similar, with another mother asking me to collect her son from same class as my son and drop him to his older sister at her school.

Didn't sound a big deal. But, the sister's school was not on my route home. First afternoon she came out of school nearly half an hour late. No-one was answering their phone (sister or the mother) and we had to stand there waiting.

I texted the mother that evening and said I couldn't do it again. Didn't give a reason and she didn't ask! (Probably asked some other poor sod)

Did the friendship begin with her seeing free childcare signs in your eyes I wonder?.
I was targeted I feel for free dc care. Gave a hell of a lot and she took the piss massively and unfortunately I ended the friendship.
Ask youself what you get from the friendship...

2 hours late sounds like a standard Universal Credit appointment.

It's remarkable how they happen to give all the compulsory appointments for single parents from 2.30pm onwards - it's as though they're trying to catch them out in order to sanction them for not really being available for work.

MN 'doesn't like favours' because there are plenty on here who know, often from personal experience, how women's boundaries are trampled over or eroded in the name of 'being nice'.

I think this is a bit different from your standard CF, as she may well be struggling and possibly ashamed of this, but trying to sneak in a regular thing by the back door isn't on. There are also people who believe that people in more fortunate situations owe them help - I had this from a former neighbour (no financial issues there, she worked odd hours on occasion) and it was a permanent struggle to maintain the boundaries.

OP, IIWY I would work out what you are happy to offer her as an act of solidarity and generosity (e.g. one pick-.up a week) and tell her this, sympathising with her situation but making it clear you won't offer more. Make it clear to the school that you only pick up on Wednesdays (or whatever) to make sure she doesn't take advantage of you being an authorised person to pick up. Ask (if your dc all get on) if she can have yours sometimes when you know she's not working. If she won't stick to the boundaries you have defined, end the arrangement.

Did the friendship begin with her seeing free childcare signs in your eyes I wonder?.

Alarm bells with me too here I'm afraid were when I read your thread OP with New friend and child care. Sorry.