New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

[Elmoespanol]

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person

Yup I would reply clearly with along the lines of 'oh, sorry I can't do childcare after school as I'm still working from home and barely manage with my two in the house. Maybe see if any of the childminders are cheaper than the afterschool club?'

She's trying her luck because she thinks you're at home and why shouldn't SHE use YOUR time?

This is good OP. You told her you weren’t available, she confirmed she was trying not to pay. This isn’t your problem!

Do you know for a fact that she is struggling, or is there an element of supposition on your part? I am a single parent and lots of people assume I am struggling financially when I am not.

I have also done free childcare and as someone has already said, it quickly turns into a nightmare. My arrangement was reciprocal but that didn’t make any difference to the way I felt about it in the end. Was so glad when it came to a natural end!

You said she is struggling financially. My guess is she is struggling to keep up with the payments of after school club and is trying to use you to reduce costs.

Yes this is cheeky (without an upfront conversation) but I’ve been there as a struggling single mum not knowing how I’m going to pay the next bill.

I’d ask her why does she need the care from you, could you get together and work out her expenditure so she can afford the club?

You don’t have to have her children, no - but I would try see why she is asking for your help more and more.

Just a cheery "Sorry, no can do I'm afraid! Xx" is perfectly adequate.

Thirded.

Well done OP. Far better to stop now and feel a bit guilty rather than later, when you could be annoyed and feeling taken advantage of.

I’m sure the friend will have told the op she is struggling whether she is or isn’t to guilt trip her.
She may seem nice op but she was just expecting you to do her this very big favour to the extent she hadn’t even enquired about other options.
Just text back ‘Sorry, I’d help if I could. Maybe ask at the school if they know of any childminders that pick up from there. They might be cheaper x’.

I don't know what to say!

^^

You say no.

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

^

But it's fine if it costs you? You can pay, but not her? Pay with your time, obviously. Because TIME IS MONEY!

she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay
WOW - how blatant - what a CF she is!
At least now you know she was hoping to USE you for free child care.
I'd tell her that having her DC after school was no problem.
Fee's are £4.00 per hour, per child, plus £1.50 per child for food each evening.
Assuming 2 hours per evening, £200 per month might come in handy!?

Stop feeling awful.
She was ready to use you for free childcare when you already have 2 and 1 has special needs and you work too!
Some women take the serious piss!

Having read your update, there is no way you should feel bad about this.
She has withdrawn her DD from after school club with no other plans than to try to shove the childcare onto you and/or someone else, without even asking first.
She has invited you over for a playdate - with you present - as though that somehow makes up for this. It isn't the same.
It perhaps wouldn't be so bad if she had asked in advance, and offered some kind of reciprocal arrangement.

This is incredibly rude. If you don't make yourself very clear now, it will be expected to be an ongoing thing - she has no plans for if you say no! It will be hard to say no now, because you are a nice person, but if you leave it it will get much, much harder.

Whether she wants a friendship if you don't provide this is up to her. I have a very close friend (mentioned upthread) who ended up relying on me for childcare more than I could manage. I had to cut it back - but thankfully she proved her colours and we are still just as close if not more so.

@MitziK
How can you possibly know why this woman was late.

Oh well, at least she was honest.

See how things go for a bit. If she’s still friendly and genuinely seems to want to be friends and us struggling financially maybe you could offer to have her DD a regular night a week or couple of days in the holidays IF you can. If your DD’s get on with her and she’s not too much trouble etc. It’s nice to help people when you can, but there’s no obligation.

Is she really a friend, so you do other things out with school drop off and pick ups?

Have I got this right, she has asked three times - once you did, (and she was two hours late - every right to be annoyed) the other you refused and he third one you have text her you are busy.

I get that you don't want to get into a habit but I can't help but feel for the woman. And I agree with poster above - favours equals pisstaking on mumsnet. She is single patent that is struggling financially - yeah, I know her situation is not the OPs responsibility but still ....... You don't say why she needs the time, perhaps you don't know, but if its extra paid work, I would offer to help her out for a month to build a pot for after school club fees. But be clear its tine limited and onky for energencies thereafter. Cash flow is a bitch if you are financially struggling. If its for her to have a jolly than no.

I also think people are being mean about inviting you all to the play date. I love the grown up chats whilst the children play. You said you have become more friendly this year, so there must be something you like about her - why not help her out before rushing to 'piss taker labels'

OP you've been drawn in. These people are very good at it and because they're so lovely, paint the difficult life it's easy to overlook that they are blatantly taking the piss.

Next time she asks say 'no, I won't be doing you any more favours'. There is no come back to that. If she does a pity me then just ignore it.

Honestly I've seen it more than once, usually you don't hear from them again while they move onto their next victim.

Personally I would offer to help her out regularly say once or twice a week just to help her out. She is obviously really struggling

Do NOT do this, she's really struggling because of her own choices and because she wants a free ride. This is not your problem.

IT sounds like this is a long term arrangement for her, not a one off. Just say no sorry we are very hectic after school, isent there after school clubs you coukd use?

Please don't fall for this emotional blackmail. Do your girls even like her DD?. My mother ended up being lumbered with a girl from my infant school - she never even asked if I liked her. I LOATHED her, she was a massive, aggressive bully who kept physically pulling me away from best friend and wouldn't let me play with her. A very spoilt, only* child. The arrangement only stopped when her parents moved. No recipcrol agreement, money or even gifts were involved, despite my mum having other child from about 3 - 7pm.

*Disclaimer - I known being an only child and having every whim indulged is not a given!

It's absolutely fine to just say no. Having said that I pick up one of my best friends children once a week. She's a school mum friend but we've become very close, she's a newly single mum and I know things are very tight financially for her, I think I save her £80 a month or so which is a huge amount for her. I'll also do ad hoc bits for her if she needs them.

We review it every half term or so to see if we're both still happy with it, and crucially I know she wouldn't mind if I couldn't do it anymore. She can't return the favour often as she has a full time, stressful job. Maybe I'm too nice, maybe she is a bit cheeky but I get a good feeling from helping people wherever I can.

Firstly, never apologise for not being available to mind her kids. Don't start a text with 'Sorry' I can't ... And don't say you can help out in emergencies as she'll always class her needs as an emergency from now on. You've only known her a short time so she could have form for latching on to people who she sees she can take advantage of. She needs a firm childcare arrangement and you are not it. It's unfortunate she's in this position but you are not responsible for sorting it out. So if she texts again you need to be firm in saying that you really are not in a position to mind any children after school - no further explanation needed.

My cf pushed me so far, she excluded my dc terribly one time and I realised she was using them also. Play dates became child care - free. Her dd didn't really like my dd's that much, she was coerced into the friendship to suit her dm. Became very clear near the end. Awful for my dc actually.

Oh my goodness she is a CF who does not want to pay for after school club, no wonder she is nice she has been grooming you for a year. No sorry I can't, you will have to use after school club. Than distance yourself. You have a child with SN who needs you.

I fell out with a friend because of a similar situation she just kept pushing her luck and sent a note into school saying I was picking her kids up she hadn't even asked me !

Well, sh's told you she expets free childcare from you son yo know how lovely she is.

What are you going to do?

You can say "oh all right then." You're not going to do that are you? she is, indee, a CF.

So, you can say you can't make that sort of commitment and are unable to be reliable and that she needs to find someone else
or
that she has really pissed you off and she can go to hell before you'll look after her child again, and then dump her.

I'd be tempted to go the nicer route and see if she dumps me.

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

I almost laughed out loud at this - talk about chuztpah! But, er, credit to her for being honest I suppose.

What would she be doing that she can't do pick ups herself - is she working?

The minute i read New Friend and childcare in the same sentence,i knew we would have a cf.

She is only lovely cause she is after something.