Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10

Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2019 15:41

Myheartbelongsto op did her a favour, and and 1 hour turned into 3 without any contact! She has also told op she does not want to pay for breakfast club, op should be saying no, op also has a child with SN to look after so does not need this added stress.

Valkyries · 23/01/2019 15:44

I know what you're saying but she is so lovely that saying something so direct like that would embarrass her

no, it really won't - if she was embarrassed she would not have taken the piss the first time you helped her out by turning up 2 hours late

LincolnOceanVictorEdward · 23/01/2019 15:44

OP time to grow a backbone. Don't feel bad about embarrassing her; it seems clear to me she is taking advantage of your friendship. She will have to either pay for after school care or find an alternative mug

PlumpSyrianHamster · 23/01/2019 15:52

Oh god the ol' 'chat with a cuppa'. The very first time the so-called friend asked the OP to look after her child she was 2 hours late without so much as a by-your-leave. She then discontinued the afterschool club with the assumption the OP would do the childcare for free so 'she wouldn't have to pay' without even consulting to OP, much less asking!

And you think she's going to stick to boundaries?

Don't you think that if the OP were placed to offer free childcare to the CF that she is intelligent enough to put that across rather than have it foisted on her?

You can't do nicey nice or chats or cuppas with people who do this.

She removed her child from childcare assuming the OP would fill in without even asking her, FFS.

And you're the one worried about embarrassing her, OP? Grow one.

IsItThatTimeAgain · 23/01/2019 16:06

"Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay."

So she was trying her luck with CF free childcare.

kazillionaire · 23/01/2019 16:14

Could it be that she owes money to the school club and can't use them until she pays it? You said that she struggles financially so it could be this, maybe say you can have her once a week if it is a genuine lack of resources and doesn't cause you too much disruption

Puzzledandpissedoff · 23/01/2019 16:49

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay

Well, that explains the apologies for lateness and the playdate ... CFs are often nice when trying to use you, but refuse and their attitudes tend to change

Saying no now will avoid a lot of awkwardness later, and since she's a new friend (wonder if she targeted you on purpose?) you won't have lost much if she strops off

PositivelyPERF · 23/01/2019 17:52

The handful of posters that are telling the OP she should be happy to help, did you actually read the bit where the OP said that she works from home? So you want the OP to look after someone else’s child when she’s trying to get her own work done? Would you ask the same off a man that was working from home, or is it the default to assume that a woman should be willing to juggle working from home and looking after her own children with looking after a stranger’s child?

My sympathy for the other mother went straight out of the window when she said she didn’t book the after school club in order to save money, while expecting the OP to use her valuable time looking after her child. Bollocks to that!

Erinaz · 23/01/2019 18:07

You need to say no unless its a emergency like she has to go to hospital. Its sad that she just want to take advantage ,be honest and tell her its enough with your own two and that you don't want her to ask you anymore. Don't be guilt tripped with the single mother thing and financial stuff she will use this to manipulate the situation.

MakeItAmazing · 23/01/2019 18:27

MrsJayy just for emphasise but what exactly I can't remember now. Not everyone is taking the piss and not everyone who helps is a pushover.

nos123 · 23/01/2019 18:47

It’s a dog-eat-dog world on Mumsnet.

A struggling single mother asked her friend for a favour and messed up by being late but tried to make up for it by offering a play date. She asked for help again because she’s desperate.

Of course, op is not obliged to help because she has her own children who need her time...but don’t make the friend out to be the devil incarnate. Sometimes people ask for unreasonable favours when they’re desperate.

AmICrazyorWhat2 · 23/01/2019 19:09

OP, IIWY I would work out what you are happy to offer her as an act of solidarity and generosity (e.g. one pick-.up a week) and tell her this, sympathising with her situation but making it clear you won't offer more

I would probably do the above as she may be struggling to pay for childcare, but it needs to be a concrete arrangement, no extra hours unless there's a true emergency.

I knew one of these "bff's when you're useful" people when mine were little- her childcare situation was somehow always worse than yours (she was married with a good income ) and the friendship seemed to be linked to favours. I ditched her in the end and she found another mug Mum to help her out.

We still text occasionally and things are STILL always worse with her than they are with me.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2019 19:12

OP nip it in the bud now, as it sounds as though you don't want to do it, and it has the potential to get out of hand.

Holidayshopping · 23/01/2019 19:27

Asked her if after school club was full and she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay.

Bloody hell-did she actually say that?!

What did you reply?

Whatever you think about how nice she is, surely you can see that is just really cheeky?

What is she doing herself when she is asking you to pick her kids up?

Who is collecting them when you say no? I can’t imagine she can get them into after school club at that late notice, so is she just getting them herself?

Consolidatedyourloins · 23/01/2019 19:29

michellebops

I'd be honoured if my friend trusted me to take care of their most precious child

As opposed to their least precious child?

By offering a play date she's trying to reciprocate the favour.

No, this is a classic gambit to make OP feel beholden to CF and to feel the arrangement is fair. It's not fair because OP doesn't need her childcare.

aethelgifu · 23/01/2019 20:10

A struggling single mother asked her friend for a favour and messed up by being late but tried to make up for it by offering a play date. She asked for help again because she’s desperate.

She didn't even bother to explain why she was late. And a play date is not making up for it because the OP is there during it. She then withdraws the child from afterschool care and *tells' her it's so she wouldn't have to pay for childcare.

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 20:10

She’s not a bad person . She’s just desperate .

Holidayshopping · 23/01/2019 20:21

She’s just desperate

Just because someone is struggling a bit financially, doesn’t mean their problems should all be sorted out by someone else at the school.

Handprints2018 · 23/01/2019 20:58

"I can't do childcare but if you fancy catching up for a playdate let me know."

Draws a firm line and if she stays lovely and a friend then you could decide if you wanted to want to offer to help.

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 21:55

God. I can see there is the milk of human kindness in abundance on this thread .

The poor woman needs life to give her a break ... she obviously struggling financially and firefighting .

No one knows how bad things are for her ....

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 21:55

If you want to say no OP say no .

But there is no need for everyone or anyone to put this woman down.

Villanellenovella · 23/01/2019 22:01

Tweety - as a one off it's fine, but 3 times is a pattern of behaviour. She needs to sort her shit out

HeebieJeebies456 · 23/01/2019 23:01

she said she hadn't asked and that she was asking me so she wouldn't have to pay
So she's telling you very clearly what her agenda is - free childcare!
Either she was previously using the after school club and took her dc out - in which she should have the decency to ASK you about being the replacement.
Or she was using other 'friends' like this and they've now put their foot down.
Either way she knows she needs to make other arrangements for ongoing childcare - and she's doing it by taking the piss and manipulating you into that indirectly.

She's manipulated you from the outset with dropping in the story about her 'financial difficulties' . Aiming straight for your best parts (that she sees as a weakness), and it seems to be working with you feeling worried and questioning yourself....

Sorry OP. This is not how good friends behave or how good friendships are built.

Tweety1981 · 23/01/2019 23:20

It’s good of her to be honest and say why she’s doing it. To be quite frank I think a lot of people are being harsh . Yes it’s uo to OP to say she doesn’t want to do it , but it’s really wrong for everyone to put this woman down . It’s clear she has money issues , she’s honest about why she is doing it .

gamerchick · 23/01/2019 23:24

Are you the friend Tweety?

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 8 9 10