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Original poster

New friend keeps asking for childcare favours

230 replies

Elmoespanol · 23/01/2019 12:12

I have a new friend, we met last year at school and have started chatting more this year at school drop off and pick ups and become friends. She is lovely but she is a single mother who is struggling financially with her DD.

She asked me last week, last minute, if i could collect DD along with my DDs and bring her to my house for an hour. This ended up being 3 hours and really disrupted our routine but I didn't mind as i was helping her out.

However, yesterday she asked me to collect her DD again. I said i had somewhere to be after school and was sorry but I couldn't. She messaged me again today to ask if I could collect DD tomorrow. I don't know what to say! I have two DDs of my own who need homework, dinner and baths, etc. I also work from home and so life is hectic.

I really like her as a friend but I feel mean that I can't be doing all these childcare favours for her. However, it seems almost a daily occurence. She used to use the after school club, so i don't know why she isn't doing that anymore?

How do i let her down gently or will i keep having to think of excuses all of the time. I feel like an awful person Sad

OP posts:
Motoko · 24/01/2019 20:51

All the people saying she's clearly struggling, how do you know? Unless you actually know her, you can't say anything with certainty.

Even the "financial difficulties" may be a lie, used just so she can guilt the OP into doing her childcare for nothing. She might actually be doing ok, but would rather spend the money on other things, than childcare. She didn't say to OP she couldn't afford to pay for after school club, she said she didn't want to pay.

Besides, OP works, so other than the occasional one off, emergency, she shouldn't be asking OP to look after her child while OP is supposed to be working, just because she doesn't want to pay for childcare.

OP, are you coming back to the thread? Has she said any more?

Roussette · 24/01/2019 20:54

I asked that question in your first para about 150 messages ago! Nowhere does the OP say she is really struggling. We don't know that I agree.

Teaandtoastie · 24/01/2019 20:54

perfectstorm I don’t disagree with what you’re saying, and my mistake it was 3 times, not twice. However she was apologetic for being late, she reciprocated with a play date, and OP has explained she couldn’t have reciprocated by looking after her DC as one has special needs.

I’m not saying at all that OP should help her, it’s just the immediate cries of “cheeky fucker”, “sob story” “What’s she doing while you’re looking after her DC” etc that make me annoyed. We don’t know the whole story. OP had already said she is lovely and she likes her.

I’m a great believer in reciprocal childcare, it’s the only way I get by sometimes as there are certain days my CM can’t do and there’s no after school club. So I will always do someone a favour when I can because I never know when I am going to need one. I know so many people who have grandparents etc on tap for childcare who really have no idea how lucky they are. The reality of trying to juggle it all on your own is a nightmare.

manicmij · 24/01/2019 21:38

Why has the after school club stopped being used, has she said. Think I would be asking that. You need to tell her you don't mind collecting her child occasionally but you have to have time to organise your own affairs in order to do so.

Handprints2018 · 24/01/2019 21:40

Is a playdate reciprocal? Only if you are reciprocating a playdate surely, it's not the same. Childcare back would be reciprocal.

I think the OP should refuse as she doesn't want to do it. If this woman is a real new friend she will stick around and then maybe OP might decide to be on hand for emergencies. If she does bugger off then she's not a friend but a user.

llizzie · 24/01/2019 21:50

op: Child minders have to be registered and if she is making a makeshift of you explain to her that as it happens so often you will have to be registered child minder with the Council (once in a while is not a problem). Just after registration came - in which was years ago - there was a case where two policewomen (could be any profession as that is not the point) babysat for each other to coincide with their rostas and they were reported and were told they would have to register each other. What became of that case I do not know, but if you google a question like 'do I have to be registered if someone keeps asking me to meet the children from school? and see what comes up. It may be in your favour and you can refuse with confidence.

Bumshkawahwah · 24/01/2019 21:53

To the posters who said she was being honest and straightforward - I don’t think she was, in the beginning. She asked for what seemed like a one off favour, then asked a couple more times and then only when the OP asked she about after school club did she she fess up.

It’s getting free childcare by stealth. Bring completelu honest would have been saying at the very beginning to the OP ‘I’d like you to look after my child because I don’t want to pay for after school club’

She may well be desperate or struggling...she may just be a CF. Either way, the OP has enough to be juggling herself.

greeneyedlulu · 24/01/2019 22:00

Nip this in the bud now and just keep saying no til she stops asking

nothinglikeadame · 24/01/2019 22:09

Yeah, she's targetted you and is being really nice to see if she can get free child care instead of paying for the after school club. Lets be honest about this.

Arrangements like this have to be reciprocal. If she doesn't want to do the same for you, or it just doesnt work for you, then say NO.

llizzie · 24/01/2019 23:06

I looked the registration up on google search and you have to be registered if you look after children in your own home for more than two hours IF YOU GET PAID, so it is possible that the friend in need is not necessarily after free child care but knows that the registration is so involved as to be unlikely to find someone in your area who is registered. The registration is very involved, rather like sitting A levels and your home is inspected as well as family history and background. It should be good enough reason for you to turn her request down. What is also relevant is the house insurance. If something happens to the child while in your care they would sue you. If the child damages something in your home it is your fault!! Actually that last point alone would make me think twice, especially in these days of everyone trying to get blood out of stones insurance wise.

Earthakitty · 25/01/2019 08:46

Look. She clearly doesn't give a monkeys about putting you on the spot, so be completely direct with her.
Tell her politely but firmly you will help out in an emergency but not otherwise. You have enough on your plate.
She's a total CF for persisting with this.
Do not let people take liberties with you.
Nip it in the bud now and you'll be glad you did.

MaybeDoctor · 25/01/2019 09:53

When my child was in Reception, we hosted a couple of playdates with another boy. His parents then invited us over for a cup of tea one Sunday afternoon. This was the first time of ever going to their house.

We sat in the (enormous) garden and she said something along the lines of 'Oh, isn't it a nuisance that summer club is closed in the last week of the holiday'. I agreed that it was difficult and she said that she was planning to see if friends could take her two children. I said that my DH and I were probably going to cover it by taking some annual leave around that time eg. have family time. Didn't think any more of the conversation.

I sent email invites for a return visit, but was brushed off. Over the next six months I noticed that she was gradually frostier and frostier with me until she would ignore what I was saying if we met face-to-face at a school event, even if I addressed her directly. I also noticed her shamelessly using other parents to take her children here, there and everywhere. To the extent that she was rarely seen with her own children.

In the end I put two and two together. It had been a calculated bid to sponge me for childcare and she was pissed-off that I hadn't fallen into line. Struggling mother? No, a highly paid City professional who also had an au-pair.

OP, you have carefully arranged your life to meet the needs of your family, including your child with SEND. I imagine you are probably taking a financial hit if you are working in such a way that you can pick up your children from school. That financial hit will have an impact on your lifetime earnings and your pension, but you have taken it in order to meet the needs of your family.

This isn't your sister, or a much loved friend - don't disrupt your carefully worked-out balance by doing favours for someone who won't be sending you a Christmas card in ten years time.

suzy2b · 25/01/2019 12:23

In my granddaughter's school if you get free school dinners you don't pay for after school clubs, she goes to 3 a week

JoroL · 25/01/2019 15:05

I wouldn’t mind as long as she is willing to return the favour, the children get on and she gives a bit of notice.

My Dsd has a huge room so sleepovers with her friends are usually at our house.

CallMeRachel · 25/01/2019 16:33

@Elmoespanol are you planning on returning to your thread??

Motoko · 25/01/2019 20:00

Doesn't look like it.

Tistheseason17 · 25/01/2019 20:30

Sounds like a CF

Original poster
Elmoespanol · 25/01/2019 21:07

Sorry, I didn't return sooner. Quick update - saw friend yesterday but it felt like something had changed. She wasn't her usual cheery self and it was awkward. I don't know if she was upset/disappointed in me but everything felt a bit flat.

In answer to everyone's questions - she is a single working mother who might be struggling, I don't know. However, she's been able to pay for after school club for the past couple of school years. I like to help people out but during the week I find it difficult to have disruption to our routine.

OP posts:
aethelgifu · 25/01/2019 21:12

Elmo, please do not feel guilty or offer up anything. You have a job and a child with SN, you cannot provide free childcare to her. You suggest any alternatives and she'll pounce. I'd just leave things for now, tbh. I think she was trying to use you for free childcare and now it's not forthcoming she's gone stale.

dustarr73 · 25/01/2019 22:31

Yes its gone flat with her,cause you're not giving her free childcare.

Leave her,shes the problem.At least you found out now,rather than waste 2 years minding her child.

BMW6 · 25/01/2019 22:42

Yeah, its flat because you are not her "Golden Goose". She tried to enlist you for free childcare, and is pissed off that it hasn't worked, so think no more about it.

Motoko · 25/01/2019 23:19

I agree, she's cooled off because she's not getting what she wants.

It sounds like friendship with her is conditional, and one sided.

cstaff · 25/01/2019 23:33

That speaks volumes OP. Nuff said

twilightcafe · 26/01/2019 20:33

Maybe she's read this thread Grin

aaaaargghhhhelpme · 26/01/2019 20:48

I had one mum go from literally following me around to blanking me in the street when it became apparent I wasn’t a source of free childcare for her (spoilt and violent) kid.

Embrace the freedom. She was only after you as free childcare. Least you find out now rather than years down the line of being used.

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